The Blame Game
I’ve discovered one of the major killers of relationships—blame. Many people play the blame game, especially in step-situations. It’s easy to find someone else to blame for our problems: step-kids, your spouse, their ex, your parents, your in-laws, your boss, your neighbor, or anyone else around you. It’s so much easier to focus on the flaws of others rather than what we can actually do something about—our own flaws and shortcomings.
I spent years blaming other for how miserable I felt in my marriage. I blamed my husband for not focusing enough on my needs and desires. I blamed him for only caring about himself and his daughter. I blamed him for always giving his ex what she wanted, but never giving me what I wanted. I blamed his ex for being manipulative and jealous. I blamed her for trying to run the events in my household. I blamed her for stressing out and trying to control my husband. I blamed her for trying to take more than her share of my family’s income. I blamed her for brainwashing my stepdaughter and manipulating her. I blamed my stepdaughter for being so obnoxious and rude. I blamed my husband for not controller her behavior. I blamed both of them for me not having any children of my own. I blamed her for trying to turn my husband against me. I blamed her for being rotten to me when my husband had his back turned and then being an angel when he was looking.
I think that you get the point that I am trying to make. I had many reasons to blame those around me for my unhappiness—and believe me my list of blames could be A LOT longer than I made it! Did you notice the main theme in my blame list? It was me, me, and me! It was all about me and how I was wronged and how I was being victimized. I was stuck in the blame game, but I was not alone—all the people that I was blaming were also playing with me. My husband was blaming me for many, many things and he was blaming his ex for a lot of things as well. The ex was blaming us for all of her unhappiness, even though we had done nothing to cause it! We were all stuck in the game.
When you are stuck in the blame game, you don’t see how to get out. But, that makes perfect sense because when we are stuck there we are stuck because our focus is in the wrong place—on other people. We are angry at their actions and think that our situation will not improve until their actions improve. We are a helpless victim of other people, and the simple truth is that we can never make another person change. No matter how much we threaten, complain, be or try to manipulate we cannot change another person. We are setting ourselves up for much frustration until we realize this. People only change when they see that they have a problem and when they want to change. If you threaten, complain, bet or manipulate they will think that it is you who has the problem and they will not see the need for them to change.
If you focus on the one person that you can change, you will actually see a change! That is you! When I realized this truth, that was the beginning of good changes. What can you do to see the types of changes that I saw? First you need to decide to quit play the blame game. Yes, your spouse, the ex, your step-kids, and others may be doing a lot of things that make your life miserable, but you are not a prisoner to that. You can change yourself; you can change the way that you react to them and how you think about the situation. One way that I did that was to accept the fact that I cannot change many situations. I made a list of the things that I cannot change. Then I made a list of the things that I do have the power to change. I looked at my own behaviors and saw which ones were harmful and not doing me (or anyone else!) any good and I looked at how I was contributing to the situations that were causing me so much unhappiness. It is very hard to make changes when nobody around you is it’s easy to think—why should I? Or why me? Making those changes when nobody else is, is called taking the high road, doing what you know is right regardless of what those around you are doing. Do you know what happened after I did that? Those around me began to change, too! It was not immediate, it took a while, but it did happen because I persevered by continuing to do right.
Another thing that I’ve done which is critical to getting out of the blame games is to forgive. Forgive doesn’t mean that I condone or agree with their behavior, it means that I choose not to dwell on their behavior. I let go of my anger and bitterness, because if I don’t then I am a slave to them in my mind and heart! Forgiveness is a choice that we will have to make over and over. It is actually more for your benefit than for the person that you are forgiving. Many studies have shown how unforgiveness makes people prone to illness and can even clog our arteries and cause cancer to grow faster! It can even cause gray hair! Forgiveness frees us from the hold of the offender and from illness. If you are caught in the blame game you need to get out—for your own good!
Realize that you are not a victim and that you can change a lot—you can change you! You can also influence others through your changes because when you respond to them differently (better) they will have to respond differently to you because you are not giving them the same response that they are used to. You throw them off!
Make a list of the things that you cannot change and decide to stop trying to change them. You will feel more at peace if you can learn to accept those things as a part of your life and figure out how you can change to live with them.
Make a list of the things that you can change and work on those! Decide to forgive those that you have been blaming. Remember what forgiveness really is and that is not condoning their behavior, but that it is releasing you from bitterness and resentment, which only hurts you.
I spent years blaming other for how miserable I felt in my marriage. I blamed my husband for not focusing enough on my needs and desires. I blamed him for only caring about himself and his daughter. I blamed him for always giving his ex what she wanted, but never giving me what I wanted. I blamed his ex for being manipulative and jealous. I blamed her for trying to run the events in my household. I blamed her for stressing out and trying to control my husband. I blamed her for trying to take more than her share of my family’s income. I blamed her for brainwashing my stepdaughter and manipulating her. I blamed my stepdaughter for being so obnoxious and rude. I blamed my husband for not controller her behavior. I blamed both of them for me not having any children of my own. I blamed her for trying to turn my husband against me. I blamed her for being rotten to me when my husband had his back turned and then being an angel when he was looking.
I think that you get the point that I am trying to make. I had many reasons to blame those around me for my unhappiness—and believe me my list of blames could be A LOT longer than I made it! Did you notice the main theme in my blame list? It was me, me, and me! It was all about me and how I was wronged and how I was being victimized. I was stuck in the blame game, but I was not alone—all the people that I was blaming were also playing with me. My husband was blaming me for many, many things and he was blaming his ex for a lot of things as well. The ex was blaming us for all of her unhappiness, even though we had done nothing to cause it! We were all stuck in the game.
When you are stuck in the blame game, you don’t see how to get out. But, that makes perfect sense because when we are stuck there we are stuck because our focus is in the wrong place—on other people. We are angry at their actions and think that our situation will not improve until their actions improve. We are a helpless victim of other people, and the simple truth is that we can never make another person change. No matter how much we threaten, complain, be or try to manipulate we cannot change another person. We are setting ourselves up for much frustration until we realize this. People only change when they see that they have a problem and when they want to change. If you threaten, complain, bet or manipulate they will think that it is you who has the problem and they will not see the need for them to change.
If you focus on the one person that you can change, you will actually see a change! That is you! When I realized this truth, that was the beginning of good changes. What can you do to see the types of changes that I saw? First you need to decide to quit play the blame game. Yes, your spouse, the ex, your step-kids, and others may be doing a lot of things that make your life miserable, but you are not a prisoner to that. You can change yourself; you can change the way that you react to them and how you think about the situation. One way that I did that was to accept the fact that I cannot change many situations. I made a list of the things that I cannot change. Then I made a list of the things that I do have the power to change. I looked at my own behaviors and saw which ones were harmful and not doing me (or anyone else!) any good and I looked at how I was contributing to the situations that were causing me so much unhappiness. It is very hard to make changes when nobody around you is it’s easy to think—why should I? Or why me? Making those changes when nobody else is, is called taking the high road, doing what you know is right regardless of what those around you are doing. Do you know what happened after I did that? Those around me began to change, too! It was not immediate, it took a while, but it did happen because I persevered by continuing to do right.
Another thing that I’ve done which is critical to getting out of the blame games is to forgive. Forgive doesn’t mean that I condone or agree with their behavior, it means that I choose not to dwell on their behavior. I let go of my anger and bitterness, because if I don’t then I am a slave to them in my mind and heart! Forgiveness is a choice that we will have to make over and over. It is actually more for your benefit than for the person that you are forgiving. Many studies have shown how unforgiveness makes people prone to illness and can even clog our arteries and cause cancer to grow faster! It can even cause gray hair! Forgiveness frees us from the hold of the offender and from illness. If you are caught in the blame game you need to get out—for your own good!
Realize that you are not a victim and that you can change a lot—you can change you! You can also influence others through your changes because when you respond to them differently (better) they will have to respond differently to you because you are not giving them the same response that they are used to. You throw them off!
Make a list of the things that you cannot change and decide to stop trying to change them. You will feel more at peace if you can learn to accept those things as a part of your life and figure out how you can change to live with them.
Make a list of the things that you can change and work on those! Decide to forgive those that you have been blaming. Remember what forgiveness really is and that is not condoning their behavior, but that it is releasing you from bitterness and resentment, which only hurts you.
