Dealing with an Angry Ex
Any marriage is difficult the first year. Both partners have to adjust to their new spouses and often times both are seeing previously unknown annoying habits in each other. Many people find that what was charming, intriguing, or even cute while dating is suddenly very irritating. It can be a time of fear, misunderstanding, and arguing. A lot of people are not equipped to deal with this which is why the divorce rate is so high in the early years of marriage.
Then you throw in children from previous relationships and things become far more than difficult! The children are usually jealous of their new stepparent and act out on that jealousy. They also test the limits to see how far they can go. They want to see how the stepparent will react and more importantly how the biological parent will react. Will the biological parent insist that the stepparent be respected or will s/he let the child get away with disrespecting the stepparent? The answer to this has a huge impact on how well the marriage will go. A marriage will not last long if the biological parent does not support and back up the stepparent.
All of this makes the marriage more difficult, but it becomes even more difficult and sticky when the stepchildren’s other biological parent enters the picture. If the other biological parent wants to work peaceably in the best interest of the children things should be fairly easy for the most part. Problems will still arise, but they will not be a constant thorn in the side of the marriage. Unfortunately, more often than not, the other biological parent is not interested in peace and usually they are very angry.
What are they so angry about? Some of them did not want the previous relationship to end and are angry about that. Others are jealous of the new stepparent—either for marrying their former partner or for being a parental figure in the children’s lives. Some feel out of control of their own lives and seek satisfaction by trying to control the lives of others. There are probably as many reasons for their anger as there are ex’s.
How is a marriage supposed to survive when an angry ex is trying to ruin it? Some ex’s try to keep the children away, others take the couple or other biological parent to court with false allegations, others use the children to get at the married couple. The list is endless.
There are number of things that the married couple can and should do if they want their marriage to survive an angry ex:
1.) Spend time together, just as a couple where you don’t talk about the ex, the children, in-laws, or any other problems.
2.) Have a support system outside of your marriage (a friend, counselor, relative, online support group) where you can vent about the problems. Make sure whoever you choose is supportive of you, will keep a confidence, and will not be angry or hold a grudge against your spouse if you vent about him.
3.) Spend time talking with each other about how to deal with the ex, children, in-laws, or whatever problems you may have. Usually it is good to do this after you have vented to your support.
4.) Focus on the positive. This may sound like fluff, but focusing on the positive really does help—and you will find realistic solutions quicker that way! In other words: have an attitude of gratitude!
5.) Assume the best when it comes to motives. Does it feel like your spouse is favoring his/her children or ex to you? First, assume that those are not his/her motives. Then ask—without accusing—about what they are doing. They may know their children and the ex better than you and may in fact be trying to make things easier for you! (Even if it does not fee like it.) You might be surprised at what you can find out by asking! Note that we are not saying to let your spouse put you last, we just ask that if you are going to assume anything assume good motives! If you find out that the motives are not good then you can deal with the issue once you know for certain. This also works well with stepchildren!
6.) When dealing directly with the ex, focus on what is best for the children. Be willing to be flexible for the sake of the children, but walk away or hang up if the ex starts to harass or verbally abuse. Protect yourself and the children as much as possible!
Then you throw in children from previous relationships and things become far more than difficult! The children are usually jealous of their new stepparent and act out on that jealousy. They also test the limits to see how far they can go. They want to see how the stepparent will react and more importantly how the biological parent will react. Will the biological parent insist that the stepparent be respected or will s/he let the child get away with disrespecting the stepparent? The answer to this has a huge impact on how well the marriage will go. A marriage will not last long if the biological parent does not support and back up the stepparent.
All of this makes the marriage more difficult, but it becomes even more difficult and sticky when the stepchildren’s other biological parent enters the picture. If the other biological parent wants to work peaceably in the best interest of the children things should be fairly easy for the most part. Problems will still arise, but they will not be a constant thorn in the side of the marriage. Unfortunately, more often than not, the other biological parent is not interested in peace and usually they are very angry.
What are they so angry about? Some of them did not want the previous relationship to end and are angry about that. Others are jealous of the new stepparent—either for marrying their former partner or for being a parental figure in the children’s lives. Some feel out of control of their own lives and seek satisfaction by trying to control the lives of others. There are probably as many reasons for their anger as there are ex’s.
How is a marriage supposed to survive when an angry ex is trying to ruin it? Some ex’s try to keep the children away, others take the couple or other biological parent to court with false allegations, others use the children to get at the married couple. The list is endless.
There are number of things that the married couple can and should do if they want their marriage to survive an angry ex:
1.) Spend time together, just as a couple where you don’t talk about the ex, the children, in-laws, or any other problems.
2.) Have a support system outside of your marriage (a friend, counselor, relative, online support group) where you can vent about the problems. Make sure whoever you choose is supportive of you, will keep a confidence, and will not be angry or hold a grudge against your spouse if you vent about him.
3.) Spend time talking with each other about how to deal with the ex, children, in-laws, or whatever problems you may have. Usually it is good to do this after you have vented to your support.
4.) Focus on the positive. This may sound like fluff, but focusing on the positive really does help—and you will find realistic solutions quicker that way! In other words: have an attitude of gratitude!
5.) Assume the best when it comes to motives. Does it feel like your spouse is favoring his/her children or ex to you? First, assume that those are not his/her motives. Then ask—without accusing—about what they are doing. They may know their children and the ex better than you and may in fact be trying to make things easier for you! (Even if it does not fee like it.) You might be surprised at what you can find out by asking! Note that we are not saying to let your spouse put you last, we just ask that if you are going to assume anything assume good motives! If you find out that the motives are not good then you can deal with the issue once you know for certain. This also works well with stepchildren!
6.) When dealing directly with the ex, focus on what is best for the children. Be willing to be flexible for the sake of the children, but walk away or hang up if the ex starts to harass or verbally abuse. Protect yourself and the children as much as possible!
