Boundaries are so important in so many different ways. People who don't have boundaries either walk all over the people in their lives or they get walked on by others -- or they may do both in different situations. A person with poor boundaries is one who doesn't know how to set limits on him/herself or others. A person with strong boundaries knows their limits and when they need to say no and they can say no without any guilt. People who don't have boundaries may try to make that person feel guilty for setting boundaries. Consider this: you can't truly say yes until you are free to say no.

Boundaries are so important in stepfamilies because it seems that from everyone's perspective that everyone else is trying to take advantage of them or their loved ones. It can be extremely aggrivating watching your spouse be run over by his or her ex. How many new stepmoms have been frustrated with the following situation? She and her husband are enjoying a quiet Saturday when the phone rings and it's his ex-wife, she is frantic and upset because her car or washing machine has broken down and she needs him to rush over immediately and fix it so that she can drive the kids somewhere or wash their clothes. If he has no boundaries then he is used to fixing things for his ex and he feels guilty because she needs him to fix it for the kids. He rushes over there immediately to fix the problem and save the day, meanwhile his wife is hurt and angry. If he does have boundaries then he will tell his ex that he is sorry to hear that it broke down but he is no longer her husband and it is not his responsibility to fix those things any more. If she was really insistent he might give her the number of a professional but he would not give in and fix her problem even though she uses the kids as a guilt trip.

How many stepfamilies have experienced this scenario? The husband and the wife have made plans for the family to go to the zoo on Sunday afternoon, they planned out everything from a home-made picnic lunch to how much money they would spend at the gift shop. They are excited about it and are sure that the kids will be just as excited. They were half right, his two kids thought that was a fabulous idea and threw in their ideas of what would be fun. But her two kids didn't want to go to the zoo, their dad had just taken them there the previous weekend and they said it was "boring". The stepdad doesn't let that get him down, he says, "But we will have fun, you will see! We're going to make a picnic lunch, fly kites and go to a kids concert!" Her kids still don't want to go and her daughter even starts to tear up, "Mommy, please don't make me go!" If she doesn't have any boundaries the wife will immediately give into her kids fickle emotions and disappoint her husband and back out of her promise of a fun family outing at the zoo. She will use the excuse of not wanting to make her children unhappy. If she does have boundaries she will tell her kids, "I'm sorry that you don't feel like going, but I know that you will have fun. We have lots of fun things planned and once we get there you will have fun. We are going as a family, and if that makes you unhappy right now I am sorry."

Boundaries are needed so that we can keep our priorities in order. People will try to manipulate us in many ways to do what they want us to do. It seems like everyone wants something from us and if we give in to all the requests and demands we will find that we are angry and have no energy or time left for what we need to do. As seen in the previous examples ex's and children can easily try to get us to give up our boundaries but they are not alone. The list is endless: employers, parents, siblings, friends, acquaintances, in-laws, telemarketers...

In order to have healthy boundaries we have to realize some truths. One major truth is that we are responsible for our feelings and emotions and others are responsible for THEIRS. We cannot MAKE someone else feel anything, if they are angry or disappointed that we turned down their request to spend the afternoon with them when we needed to buy a costume for our stepson's play it is not our responsibility. We do not own their feelings, they do and they need to deal with their disappointment instead of trying to make us feel guilty. That's not to say that we have to be cold-hearted, we can express to them that we are truly sorry that they are hurt and that we would love to get together with them another time when we have time. Once we understand the truth as to who owns who's emotions and feelings we will be free to say no when we need to and not get sucked into manipulations.

Another truth that we have to accept in order to have healthy boundaries is that we have limits. We can't give everyone everything that they want and still have energy and happiness. We have to figure out what our limits are and then stick to them. We can be flexible and help and friend who is truly in need, but we need to respect our own limits and not push ourselves too far. If we stretch ourselves too thin we can become irritable and even sick as it will decrease our ability to fight off illnesses!