Starting a step-relationship is often difficult at best and the cause of divorce at worst. It is unlike any other relationship and often the expectations are enormous. The biological parent is likely very anxious for his or her most loved people to love each other. Most parents want their children to bond to their new stepsiblings. The new stepparent may be anxious to show his or her new spouse how quickly and well he or she can bond with the stepchildren.

Step-relationships are difficult because you are immediately given a close family relationship (parent, child, and sibling) to someone who you may not know or like, or who may not like you. You are dealing with someone who does things differently than you are used to—sometimes VERY differently! There are often many conflicts, misunderstandings and jealousies.

There ARE things that you can do to help build good step-relationships in your family! These tips will work well for any step-relationship (parent, child, and sibling) and will work best if the biological parents support the people trying to follow these tips. These tips were not created arbitrarily by someone who has never been in a stepfamily. They have been tried and found to work by many stepparents, stepchildren, and stepsiblings!

1. Don’t force the relationship; in other words let the relationship happen naturally. Give it time! Get to know the person and try to appreciate them for who they are. Don’t fall under real or perceived pressure to make the relationship happen faster than it is meant to. Some step-relationships will take more time than others will and that’s okay.

2. Assume good motives. Your step-relative was raised differently from you and does a lot of things differently than you. Ask friendly questions instead of assuming that you know what their motives are. Even if it seems obvious to you that they are doing something just to get to you, they most likely are not. They probably have a good reason for doing what they are doing that you are not aware of. Ask, ask, ask! Assumptions are relationship killers!

3. Build the relationship BEFORE setting a bunch of rules! This can apply to children and adults alike; children often set unspoken rules of how the new step-relation can treat them whereas adults usually set spoken rules. People are far more likely to respect rules after a relationship has been established! Love goes a lot farther than punishment.

4. Set your own personal boundaries. For example, if you do not want to be yelled at, tell your step-relation that you do not allow people to yell at you. Explain that you are going to a different part of the house (or neighborhood or whatever) and that when they are ready to talk with you respectfully and calmly, you will be happy to discuss the issue. If time away from the person is needed temporarily, that is okay. Start working on the relationship when it is safe.

5. Thicken your skin! In step-situations people are often insecure and will test the new step-relations by being mean, rude and insensitive. If you can keep from taking everything personally, you will be well on your way to building a good relationship!

6. Try to put yourself into the other person’s shoes. Try to figure out why they are acting the way that they are. Maybe they are tired, stressed, or insecure. People often act out irrationally when they are feeling these things. Many children who go between households, it is stressful on them and they usually have an adjustment period after arriving at the household. They may also have a “gearing up” period before they leave especially if the other household is a stressful one. Sometimes children will do annoying things like throw a fit or hide their jacket when it is time to switch households. What they are saying is that they want to stay with you!

7. Treat them how you would like to be treated. Most people want to be treated with respect, understanding and patience. Maybe they have never had anyone treat him or her like that before and they will experience it from you! Another thing to remember is that nobody can ignore good treatment for long, if you are consistently good to them they will eventually respond. One thing to remember is that kids (and adults!) who have gone through their parents’ divorce often have a harder time trusting people. You can do a lot to build their trust and self-esteem. Kids can even do this for adults--although in a healthy relationship adults should never rely on children for their self-esteem--but kids can help to build up other people’s self-esteem!

8. Get involved in what your step-relation is interested in. If they like to draw, draw with them; if they like to play tennis, go hit the ball with them. On the flip side, you can introduce them to what you are interested in!

It might seem like you have to do all the work in the relationship (and you might have to for a while) but it will all pay off. Once you have a good relationship, you will be grateful the work that you put into it. You will also probably be surprised when they start to respond to your kindness with kindness!

On a sad note, we must add that there are times when a step-relationship cannot be made. If the other person is destructive toward you, then long-term space from that person may be necessary. We never advise anyone staying in a truly abusive situation! But, more often than not, this is not the case and a good step-relationship can be built!