When I was in college I took a survey on romantic relationships and one question was: would you marry someone who you had no romantic feelings for? As a college student (who was always in love with one guy or another at any given time) I answered with a very strong no, as did most others polled.

Now that I have been married for about 5 years I have to wonder if I'd answer the same. When I married Jack I was madly in love with him, I thought that he was absolutely perfect, and I was extremely attracted to him. Even though we knew each other for a year and half before we married, I don't believe that I had a true view of who he was and I ended up disappointed and heartbroken. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in "being in love" I would have been able to see him and our relationship more clearly. I could have made a better decision--either to marry him, knowing the real him, or not to marry him. Many people, like me, get wrapped up in the in-loveness of a relationship and fail to see their love's flaws and little red flags that go, up which leads to the disappointment that I felt. Jack isn't an evil person, but I really hurt myself by pretending that he was perfect.

I think that if I were to find myself single and looking again I would probably have a list of qualities that the guy must have and a list of qualities that he must not have. I would go by the list and not be too concerned about "chemistry". Chemistry is not what makes a marriage last through the tough times. Committed love, shared beliefs and shared values do. I have many friends of middle eastern descent who came here to get away from their old countries. These friends have all had arranged marriages--most of them to people they had never met. Their spouses were picked out by their parents who chose the mate based on compatibility. These people in arranged marriages, who had no "chemistry" actually ended up having great marriages. They had to grow to love the other person, but they all did--and they have excellent marriages. They love each other, have strong marriages and happy kids.

PLEASE don't think that I am trying to promote arranged marriages! I am just using them as an example of how compatibility and similar values and morals lead to strong and happy marriages. In the US, where marriage is usually based on "chemistry" over 50% of marriages end in divorce. But my middle eastern friends who didn't choose their spouses are happily married and NONE have divorced--even though they live in the US and could if they wanted to. They aren't stuck in the system of their old country.

Also note that I am NOT saying that chemistry has no place in a marriage. I'm not saying that at all, either! Chemistry is great in marriage! It's a very enjoyable thing (no, I'm not just talking about the physical relationship). I'm just saying that it by itself is a poor reason to get married and that it won't pull a couple through tough times. It takes a committed love for that, a love that can be had even if chemistry isn't initially there. Most of my friends in arranged marriages eventually gained chemistry, only their chemistry came out of a committed love not the other way around. Perhaps that is the more healthy path to take. Many relationship experts agree that people who are friends before they are lovers have a much higher chance of a successful marriage.

Again...I am not promoting arranged marriages! I just think that shared values and beliefs should be the basis for a marriage and that chemistry come second. It is not unneccessary, just secondary. Chemistry won't hold a marriage together, that's not what it's meant for. It's meant for enjoyment, it comes and it goes. Biologists even say that our bodies physically cannot stay in that euphoric state for too long--we just aren't meant to stay that way all day every day.

I think that especially in stepfamilies committed love is most necessary. We have so many other outside factors that seem to be trying to tear apart our marriages that "nuclear" families do not have to deal with. Jack's ex-wife, although re-married long before Jack and I even met, would love nothing more than to see us break up. It drives her crazy to see him happy and she wants nothing more than for him to be completely miserable. I avoid all contact with her so that she has no chance to drive a wedge in between us. In the beginning of our marriage it seemed that my stepdaughter was trying to tear us apart, too! She did everything that she could to get in between us and keep us from spending time together when she was around. His parents were around us constantly in the beginning which also caused a lot of conflict.

All of that on top of just trying to get used to being married to each other was almost enough to drive us apart! I contemplated separation, but ended up choosing to take the high road of commitment and it has paid off. I decided that even though Jack was not the perfect man that I thought he was that he was still a valuable person who had the qualities that I originally fell in love with. I decided to try to love him with the faults that I did not think were part of the marriage agreement! I am committed to him and to our marriage and we often experience the joys of chemistry.

So, what is the key to marriage: chemistry or commitment? Both! You just have to understand that chemistry is not what will get you through the difficult times, but that committed love will. With the basis of committed love, chemistry is a very wonderful thing that gives marriage the fun factor!