My diary of thoughts and feelings of being a childless stepmom... These are my thoughts and feelings on being childless. They are not meant to make anyone feel bad or offended. They are simply my own feelings and I share them in case they may help someone else know that they are not alone if they feel similar.

Visit here again because I will be adding to this site! Last addition: 2/12/06

The entries are not dated, although they do appear in chronological order. They begin in 2002.

I really struggle with wanting a child of my own. Not a child that somebody else gave birth to and and who gets the title and respect of "mother". I want a child of my own, one that will call me mom (and not, "Mom...I mean, Cool Steppie") I want a child that is mine and my husband's, that we both have from day one. I want a child that I will not have to fight with for my husband's affection because this child will be ours and we will both love it the same. We will both be his or her parents.

But, he just doesn't understand how I feel. No matter what happens, he will ALWAYS AND FOREVER be a biological parent. Even if I am never am one. He will never understand the fact that my biggest dream has always been to be a mom. At the time, his daughter was a surprise and not a welcome one because he was messing around with a woman that he never wanted to marrry or have children with. She treated him really badly after having the baby and so he has all these fears that I will be like her. I WON'T!! I *want* children and will love them with all my heart and I won't leave my husband!

I am NOT his ex, but I am being punished for HER wrongs! I just want a baby of my own. I am so jealous when I see my husband & his daughter together. My husband--who I am supposed to be UNITED with--is living out MY dream right in front of me. Sometimes I feel like they are just flaunting it right in front of me. I have such a hard time with this, I have been crying a lot and praying a lot. I don't know what I would ever do if I couldn't be a mom.

Someone said that in the Bible says that a barren womb is never satisfied...whoever said the Bible isn't useful for today's standards?? I feel like I am constantly dissatisfied and sad because I am not a mom and I don't know if I ever will be. I never imagined that things would be like this. Never. When we were going through premarriage counseling the pastor asked many kids we wanted. I emphasized that I wanted two of MY OWN. The pastor asked him if that worked for him and he said that was fine. Shortly after we married, I started talking about babies. He freaked out on me so bad that to this day I am afraid to talk about babies. He claimed that he would NEVER have agreed to two more kids, he already has one!! Then later he claimed that he never said that he never agreed to it! Talk about messing with my head...and worse, my heart. Recently, I asked him if he wanted to have a baby with me because he always says, "IF we have kids together..." I started crying one day because if we weren't in a stupid blended family then he & I would be able to talk about "WHEN we have kids..."

My desire to have babies really seems to hit it's peaks during the holidays and other emotional (and hormonal!) times. My heart gets so heavy I feel like I have gained weight, my tears could fill a jar, and my anguished prayers could fill a book.

At times I feel like I just can't go on! This gets so hard, all that I can think about is a baby! I feel like I can't really talk to anybody about this because everyone is sick of hearing about my grief. I pray, trying to get surrendered and once I get surrendered I find myself overwhelmed with a heavy heart and many tears again.

I just want to have a child of my own. My husband doesn't understand at all. First off, he's a man and lacks the "maternal" instincts and ticking clock. Second, he already has a child so he feels no need since he is already a parent! Thirdly, his ex was so awful and he doesn't see his daughter as much as he wants to. I suspect that he is afraid that I will pull the same stunt (divorcing him and taking his child away, too.) I'm sure that he doesn't want to have more kids that he will hardly ever get to see. I don't blame him for feeling that way--but I wouldn't do that to him and before we married he promised me that we could have two kids together (ie: not counting his daughter). But, because our marriage was very difficult at the beginning, he uses that as an excuse as to why I am not mature enough to have kids. Or that because I am not a good enought mother to his daughter (who already has a mother!) that I won't be a good enough mother to my own children. Or whenever I lose my temper or do anything else that is less than perfect, he points out that whatever I just did is another reason why I am not ready to have children.

The only positive (and I guess it's actually a big positive) is that the last few times that I've gotten upset about not having children in front of him, he's actually been sympathetic towards me instead of getting down on me. But, I still don't feel like I can talk to him about this. I suppose I'll feel better some day...but never will I feel totally better unless I have a baby.

Some things really make my heart sad...

Seeing my husband be a parent and the special relationship that he shares with his daughter. When we are all driving and she sees something, she always says, "DADDY, look at that!" Or if she has a question, she'll ask daddy. More times than I can count has she hugged and kissed daddy goodbye while ignoring me while I was standing right next to my husband. Rarely does she seek me out first. My relationship with her is nothing like that which my husband experiences and has experienced bonding with her as a baby. How can he use my relationship with his daughter as an example of what I will be like as a mother? This relationship is nothing at all like being a mother! Mothers are loved and cherished, not left behind all the time.

Going shopping and passing baby stores. Not knowing if I will ever be able to shop for my own little one.

Mother's Day. I do everything that a mother does in my house when my stepdaughter is here, but some years I don't even get a card.

My stepdaughter's birthday. Watching my husband celebrate the birth of his daughter year after year. I don't resent her having a birthday or her being here. It is just very hard because my husband promised me before we married that I would have two of my own and he now says that I am not ready.

Hearing the announcement of another person's pregnancy or birth. I don't resent them, but it hurts not knowing if I will ever have that joy. It is especially hard when the pregnancy is unplanned or out of wedlock. I did everything "right" (not living together & not having "union" until after we were married) and it didn't do me any good. I just don't understand how drug addicts or people who don't even want kids are allowed kids, but I am not. I love children and live a decent life, always trying to do the right thing.

Watching my husband with other people's babies. He is so good with them, gentle and sweet. People go out of their way to tell me how good he is with babies and children. It's hard to keep the tears in.

Seeing happy families. Watching others who are able to live out my dream.

My husband talking about his plans for our future and for our house. None of them ever include a baby. We have an extra bedroom, but all he wants to do with it is to keep it an office. He has plans for the family, but they never include an additional family member.

Seeing my husband's ex living a life of luxury. She has all the kids that she wants and her selfishness is (a big part) of why my husband is scared to have more kids. She lied about her ability to conceive because she knew that he was the kind of guy who would pay child support on time. She never wanted to marry him, just have his child and his money. She has used their child against him since day one, threatening his visitation and so forth. She "turned" evil after she became pregnant so he is partly afraid that I will do the same. It sucks to be the one paying for her rottenness.

My in-laws announcing that they are transforming their play room into an office and getting rid of all their toys. Obviously they are not expecting any new grandchildren.

People rarely ask us anymore when we are going to have kids. People are starting to tell us how the "empty nest" isn't as bad as it's cracked up to, how it's actually a fun time. It won't be any fun for me if there was never anything in the nest to begin with.

It has been my dream since childhood to be a mom. I want to be a mom more than anything...and it is always so hard watching my husband be a parent. Being a stepparent is nothing at all like being a parent.

I am so sad that another childless Christmas has come and gone again. As far as I know, we are both fully capable of having children. But, my husband does not want to have children with me. Before we married, he agreed to having two more. I made it clear that if we were going to get married, I definitely wanted two of my own--and he agreed!

Now he says things like I am too immature to have kids. He says that I have not been a good enough "mother" to his daughter (who already has a mother who is very involved in her life and loves her very much). He also uses excuses about money and not enough insurance. Those would normally be valid, but he uses whatever excuse he can find.

His ex has used their daughter against him from day one. Threatening to leave him with the baby if he didn't treat her like she wanted. She's pulled every stunt in the book trying to take away his custody. But he has continued to prove himself a good father to the courts and they refuse to give him any less visitation. He admits that part of him is afraid that I will pull that stuff with him, but he says that mostly the problem is me: that I am not mature enough or a good enough mother to his daughter. I don't know what the real issue is.

I am still fairly young, but I have a family history of "female problems" which include VERY EARLY menopause. I am worried that I will hit menopause and it will be too late. I worry that he will never care. He's a father, so he has no idea what it is like to be a woman deeply desiring to be a mother.

Every day I have to give my heart's desires over to God. I know that he is ultimitely in control...but I worry so much that my husband's heart will never change!

I am so depressed. I just found out about even worse family fertility issues that I never knew about. One whole side of the family is a mess...I'm surprized that they've made it to my generation...that they haven't died off completely childless! I have no clue about my other side. My whole life and plans have all revolved around the assumption that I would have kids. If I don't have kids, I'm going to have to change everything!!

At least I have a B.A. and could go back to get my masters degree and do something fun with that! That at least gives me a little hope, something to look forward to. Oh, did I mention that when I told my husband about me finding out about even worse fertility issues, he said, "That's nothing to worry about." That's nothing to worry about!!!? Obviously I have NOT done a very good job at explaining to him that my biggest dream is to be a mother...unless THAT is unimportant...!

I wish that my stepdaughter and I had more of a mother/daughter relationship than what we do. Then maybe it wouldn't be heartbreaking to watch my husband get to be a parent while my biggest dream is to be one. When we were first married, she started to call me mom and I was excited and stupidly told my husband about it, thinking that he'd be excited that she was starting to accept me like that. No, he was not excited, he freaked out and started going off about how the paperwork says that she isn't supposed to call a stepparent "mom" or "dad" and blah, blah, blah. And THAT was supposed to encourage me to act like a mom to her? I don't think so!

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Finally, some happy words to share! Well, I guess that things seem to be turning in the right direction. My husband and I have had a number of talks recently on the issue of having kids together. He says that he does want to, and he wants to before he gets too old (he's got a decade on me!) and that he doesn't want to be using a walker at our kids' graduations. He says that he would never want to deny me my dreams of having kids, he says that he loves me and wants all my dreams to come true! We have financial and other issues to get through before we can start trying...and he doesn't want me to keep bugging him. He says that will just drive him away from wanting any.

I still hate waiting. I want to start trying NOW! I don't want to hit menopause early like my mom did, so I want to start soon. Ideally I want two kids because I was an only child and I remember being bored all the time and if I needed to fight with someone, I'd yell at the dogs! I don't want my kids to have to grow up that way. By the time that my kids are born, my stepdaughter will be a teenager and they won't really get the true sibling relationship experience with her because of the huge age gap. Although if I am blessed with just one child, I will pour my heart and soul into his or her life and be very happy with just one.

Another bit of good news is that some of my family fertility problems are not as bad as I was led to believe! So far all of the people in my generation of my family have been able to conceive (who have tried), so my outlook may not be as bleak as I thought!

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This is an issue that he has once again changed his mind on... He is now going back and forth between telling me that he wants us to have children SOMEDAY and that for one reason or another I will make a horrible mom. Oh, how this tears my heart apart!

Here's how "my" mother's day ended up going this year.

I woke up depressed over the fact that I was going through another mother's day childless and I was dreading going to church where they always make a huge deal about mother's day. They give a gift to the mom's when they arrive and then they have all the moms stand up and the most of the service revovles around moms and children. Before church, I tried on every article of clothing and looked terrible in all of it. I cried my eyes out about my clothes and about how I was dreading church. Then hubby was all hurt because I don't consider myself a mom since he says that I play such an important role in sd's life and that she looks up to me and etc. The only good thing was that we ended up late for church and I missed the part where they have moms stand up (and he always makes me stand) and everyone claps for the moms. The whole service was about people who had recently had babies and others who are adopting. By the time we were in the car I was in tears again, only this time he was lecturing me on how I was ruining the day and being selfish by thinking about poor me not having any babies. He said I needed to get over it because it was a day for being grateful and for being giving to our mothers. The whole day pretty much went on like that. It finally got better after spending some time at my mom's house.

So, to sum it up: my worst one yet...

Being a childless stepmom is the hardest thing that I have ever done. If you've read this far, you undoubtedly know why. My husband doesn't understand, he is truly stuck in his own pain and fears. He has been very adamant lately about not having kids, he has many excuses but that is all that they are: excuses. He has a couple reasons that I consider to be valid, but he is clinging to those and also anything else that he can get his hands on.

He says that if he lets me have a child there would be nothing keeping me from leaving him and messing him over like his ex did. Even though I am not her and he knows that she has serious mental issues that I do not have. He knows that she had those issues long before they ever had a child together. To him having a child is a very negative thing, he sees my dreams as silly girlish fantasies. He says that he is just looking at the world in a realistic standpoint because he has to protect himself. What about the vow to cherish and protect me? Gone with the wind...like all of my other dreams.

Being a childless stepmom entails so many things and it is even more complicated than the complicated issues of a stepmom who has children of her own! Stepmoms as a whole are largely misunderstood by the world that we live in. It is hard for someone who has not walked in our shoes to know how it feels to be treated badly by your husband's kids, his ex and your husband himself. We are pushed into corners, forced to fight for our basic rights such as privacy and sense of belonging. We get married thinking that we will be united with our partner and that he will back us up and expect his kids to treat us with respect. What we get is a load of mistreatment from his kids and his ex and he won't stand up to any of them for us. We are forced to disengage in order to save our sanity. Disengaging makes no logical sense until you have been so badly mistreated and taken advantage of by your "family" that you are backed into a corner and are forced to try disengaging before you kill someone or leave the marriage.

All of that is incredibly difficult and painful. It sends many women screaming from the man that they love. It's more than many of us can take. But when you throw into the mix wanting children so badly and being denied for whatever reason it makes everything so much more complicated and harder for the outsider to understand. Some women marry men who have already had the big "snip" done. Other women marry a man who has been so burned by the ex that they are scared to death to try that again (such as is my case). Other women have fertility issues. Other women come into it not wanting children but then decide that they want children with their husband. We all have our own story. Being a childless stepmom is a very painful thing if it was not part of our plan -- and let's be honest here being a stepmom was in NOBODY'S life plan...much less being a childless stepmom.

It is so incredibly painful from such a deep place in the heart to watch your husband have a relationship with his children while you do not have children of your own and you want them so desparately. Each time they have a birthday it stings because you are reminded of the children that you cannot have birthday parties for. Every Mother's Day is a dreaded and emotional day. Every time that you hear about the ex you are reminded with a painful sting that she shares something very special with your husband that you may never share with him. You feel as though something very big has been stolen from you. Sometimes all that it takes is your stepchild coming for a visit to throw you into a depression. You do everything in your power not to start crying or to go ballistic when people ask when you are going to have children together. That question hurts very deeply.

There is nothing that can make the pain go away. Nobody can give you a magic pill and make everything better. Once we pass childbearing age we will struggle with the loss all over again and everything that we missed: buying baby clothes, first birthday, first steps, first word, getting them ready for their first day of school, being a parent volunteer on their field trips, hosting sleep-overs, helping them get over the first broken heart, helping them get ready for dances, cheering them on at their little leagues and karate classes, graduation, crying when they leave for college, another graduation, first real job, first real place to live, engagement, and grandchildren. Sure we can share in many of these activities with our husbands but it just isn't the same. Our stepchildren have a mother already and we know that we are not her. We are quite aware of that and she surely does not let us forget.

We can love our stepchildren, but nothing will ever replace our own biological children in our hearts. I love my stepdaughter and am happy to help her out in any way that I can. I am glad to be a part of her life and I want to be able to give her many great things. But, I am not her mother and I long so deeply for a child of my own. She is an enhancement in my life, but not a replacement for my own children. I doubt my husband will ever understand.

I'm doing okay these days. I'm focusing on some other areas of my life and not trying to think too much about the whole baby thing. I'm hoping that as I focus on trying to better myself (and hopefully my marriage, too) that dh will change his mind about it. He's so stressed out about his job and about all the crap that bm is constantly pulling that I doubt that he will ever change his mind. He says that if he gives me a child there would be nothing stopping me from screwing him over like bm has (thanks for the vote of confidence!) and he says that he's so busy between work and always driving to pick up or drop off sd that he would never have any time to spend with a baby (which I guess tell you how often he sees me). He's also concerned because we have no health insurance and he doesn't want to change jobs to get one that would provide health insurance because he doesn't think that he would be able to have such flexible hours at another job. It would have been nice if he would have thought about this stuff before we married because before we married he promised me that we would have two together. I was afraid of being screwed out of having children of my own by marrying him and so far it looks like I was right. Any time that I bring it up he just gets mad. I swear he must have thought before we married that he would just be able to change my mind about the whole kid thing. He refuses to talk about it and says that if I ever bring it up again he's going to leave me.

I'm focusing on just hoping that I will someday be able to fulfill my dream of being a mom. All my friends and cousins are pregnant or have little babies...it's very hard for me. I keep hearing about how thinking positively will not only help your outlook on life but will actually help bring about better outcomes to your circumstances. I am trying hard to throw out my negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones and it does seem to help out. I am mostly happy and rarely depressed and as a result my husband and I have been fighting less! (Of course I haven't brought up the topic of children and that alone decreases the number of our fights!)

An example of replacing negative thoughts with positives ones is as follows. I hear of yet another person who is pregnant, the first thought that pops into my mind is, "I don't care. I'm never going to be a mom so I just don't care about other people fulfilling their dreams." If I was to continue along those lines of thought it would not take long at all for me to become very negative, bitter and angry. Then when my husband came home from work I would probably be very rude to him because in my heart I am angry at him for taking away my dream of having a baby. Then that would end up leading to a huge fight and further convincing my husband that having a baby with me would be a huge mistake.

Instead of allowing those negative thoughts to make their home in my mind lately I have been making the effort to replace my negative thoughts with positive ones. I tell myself, "No...I do care. I am going to be happy for this person and not be mad at them because they have something that I want. Just because I don't have a baby right now does not mean that I will never have one. I just need to give my husband time to change his mind. Right now is just not the time for me to have a baby. My time will come, but it will not come right now." It may sound hokey to be saying all that stuff, and it feels very strange at first. But it actually helps. I'm starting to believe that my husband will change his mind and that I will someday have a baby. It helps me to be positive and it helps my husband and I not to fight which in turn helps him to feel better about me and about our relationship, which in turn will someday help him to feel good about us having a baby!

As of late, my desires to have children have been very little. I don't think about it much and I'm not worried about it. The other day I was at an event for my sd and it hit me that I was not even thinking about how I would never have an event like this for my own children. Then I realized that the thought of that didn't even make me sad. Then I realized that I didn't feel sad about THAT. Then I just shrugged my shoulders and enjoyed the rest of the event.

One thing that has helped me out tremendously is that one of my nearest and dearest friends had a baby recently. I spent most of the day with her when she was in labor (before they'd let her come to the hospital) and my husband and I got to be the first non-family members to see the baby at the hospital. I fell deeply in love with the little newborn and I have been spending much time with the baby. I help to take care of this baby a lot when mom and dad can't. My friend (the baby's mom) says to her little baby about me, "she's your other mom!" I'm going to get to spend so much time with this baby and have such a hand in raising her that it will be like having one of my own.

And I'm actually happy about that. It brings me joy and happiness.

It is so much different than being a stepmom. This little baby I have known since the day of her birth and I get to start my relationship with her while she is little, sweet, innocent, an angel. We get the opportunity to bond long before she can even think about rolling over or crawling. That makes such a difference compared to an angry 5 year old who is being taught by her mother how to tick me off and get in between my husband and myself.

I am happy and at peace. I hope it lasts!

The happiest news yet! We are in the process of planning on getting pregnant! It's amazing how when you let go of what you really want is the time that you are finally ready to get what you want. Letting go is so hard. Less than 24 hours before my husband told me that he wanted to start planning on getting pregnant I had heard about yet ANOTHER pregnancy. I was tempted to feel sorry for myself, but instead I told myself that this pregnancy is not about me, but about them and that I needed to be happy for them.

I have been through a lot in my life and had a rough childhood. I never wanted to be the kind of parent that I had grown up with. I have done a lot of growing and healing from my past and I am confident that at this point in my life I will be the kind of mom that I want to be!

He got me some baby books for Christmas so I know that he is serious and not just saying it. He has put a lot of thought into this. We're even looking into getting insurance! This is really happening!

It took a few months for him to agree that it was finally time for me to stop taking the birth control pill and then my doctor told me that I needed to wait a bit to get the pill out of my system so that meant even more waiting...

Then came some health issues suddenly and I am currently waiting to find out if I am going to have to have surgery. If that is the case, then I may have another six months or more to wait before trying. It seems like the waiting may never end! I know that it will and I can't wait to start trying, so many people are pregnant and have little babies and it tugs at my heart reminding me of my dreams.

It is bearable to wait now because I have my husband on my side finally! We still don't always see everything eye to eye, but at least we are on the same page about WANTING to have a baby! Those 5+ years without his support on this were almost too much bear. If it was possible to die from a broken heart I surely wouldn't have made it out of those years.

I really hope to be pregnant by the end of the year......

My health issues are now all taken care of so now I can attempt to focus on getting pregnant, but the ex has started giving us a lot of grief again so unfortunately a lot of time and attention has to go to that issue right now. Sometimes it seems like if isn't one thing it's another!!

My main goal is to focus on my physical, emotional and spiritual health. I'm eating better, exercising again, getting counseling, making friendships grow.

Still trying to take better care of myself and trying to get pregnant. Every time that I get a negative pregnancy test it kills me. I get depressed and cry a lot. My cycle has been really off so I have had a lot of late and even skipped cycles. I'm still hoping to be pregnant by the end of the year...

If someone asked my honest advice wanting to know if they should get married to a man without kids and they had no kids of their own I would tell them if they want to have children of their own to run in the other direction. Even if he says that he wants to have kids with you he may just be saying that to keep you. Lots of women in our situation have been in my shoes: promised your own kids BEFORE marriage but then denied after marriage. It is the most painful thing that I have had to go through. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

Even though my husband says that he wants to have a child with me and I am off the pill it is not happening mostly because I can't get him to do the deed. He rarely wants to do so once a week -- and everything that I have read says that you need much more than once a week. He's so stressed out over his ex and his daughter that he doesn't have the energy for it. His ex and his daughter continue to be the reason that I don't have a child of my own. At first it was because of them for different reasons: he didn't want his daughter to feel abandoned if we had a child and he was afraid I would use our child against him just like his ex did. Now it's because of the stress that they are causing him. I don't know if this will ever end. It's going on seven years now.

I'm pregnant with my little miracle baby! I finally conceived and this is definitely my miracle baby, but what is even more of a miracle is that my husband is so excited about this baby that it feels to me like this a first baby for both of us. I was so worried that since he had been there, done that it wouldn't be as exciting for him and it would be kind of a let down for me. But that's not the case at all!! Also, my stepdaughter is very excited -- so this pregnancy is all around so much more than I ever hoped for. I can hardly believe how wonderful everything is going and that all my dreams and prayers are being realized right in front of my eyes! God works in amazing and miraculous ways!