Here I share my struggles being a childless stepmom dealing with my stepdaughter. Not all of this was written at the same time, that is why it doesn't all flow together.
dh = husband
sd = stepdaughter
bm = biological mother
Shortly after I was married I laid down the rules in no uncertain terms. It was great...for a while. Sd listened to me and there was finally some peace in the house when she was around. But then what happened is that I did turn into the bad guy. They both just saw me as being mean to sd because I was enforcing rules that neither one of them wanted. They both resented me and dh would give sd the whole "poor baby" routine when I disciplined. I was just so mean because I expected her to have table manners and be courteous to those around her. I finally quit parenting her at all. Yes, it was easily one of the hardest things that I did. I remember wanting to physically explode when she was throwing a fit in a store because she WANTED a toy or ordering her father around. It was all I could do to not kill the both of them with my bare hands. You know what eventually happened? Dh finally saw the light, he finally saw what a little spoiled brat he was raising. Why did he see that? Because nobody was doing anything about her behavior. When she started ordering grandma around and being extremely rude and demanding in public and in front of people who dh wants to impress he DID get it. It was then that he started parenting her and to this day he still does 99.9% of the parenting and she is a respectful and polite kid now. Men have a much higher tolerance for kids bad behavior in general (whether they are married to the kids biomom or stepmom) something to do with the maternal instinct, I guess. It just takes more for them to see the extent of the child's behavior than it does for us. That is partly why being a stepmom is so hard.
Remember that if you step back and WAIT for him to parent her--as much as it feels like it will kill you--you will find that he will eventually get it. My life has been so much better since I made that decision, even though it was very hard at the time the rewards have been far more wonderful.
Maybe these kids have entitlement issues. When we first moved into our house, sd told us that she wanted the mater bedroom with the walk in closet and bathroom. I didn't know whether to laugh at her or put her in her place. I didn't see her name on the mortgage payments! When dh explained that the master bedroom was for us, she started in on wanting the middle sized bedroom. I fought that one, too, because she's only here on the weekends. Luckily before we gotten our stuff in the house, my sister in law was over for a visit. Sd was telling her how she was going to get (translation: she really wanted) the middle sized bedroom. My SIL turned to me (dh was somewhere else) and asked point blank, "Why is she getting that bedroom? She's hardly ever here?" and I replied, "I have no idea. Nobody ever listens to me around here." Would you believe that sd did not ask about the middle bedroom after that?? Well, not until my SIL divorced dh's brother...then sd started asking again. Which is fine because I have since decided that I like the smallest bedroom better than the medium one and want to make that one into a nursery. I still win!
My sd will probably never know or understand all or even most of what my dh has given up for her. I've had to give up a lot, too, just because I married him. He has to fight bm every step of the way, but he just keeps on fighting. Bm continues to move farther and farther away, hoping that dh will give up some of his visitation. He just leaves work earlier to drive to see sd every midweek visit and Friday, thus he works later on the other days (less time w/me). He works at a job that he absolutely hates because it is the only job that he can find that will allow him to work flexible hours...and he has put up with a lot of grief from fellow co-workers who want to leave early the days that he leaves early (but you don't see them staying late the other days). He deals with bm harassing him, he fights off her PAS attempts all the time. He pays his support EARLY every month. We have to fix our cars a lot because of the wear and tear they get from that long drive to and from bm's twice every week.
I can't wait to have a child of my own...one that has no other mother. When dh was dead-set against it I was in so much inner turmoil and pain thinking that nobody would ever call me mommy.
Even now I still struggle with it. Over the holidays, sd was making cards and "love notes" for dh and it was really tearing at my heart. She made this very elaborate Christmas card for him that I was big enough to display with all of our other Christmas cards (dh didn't ask me to, I just did it). It hurt that the card said "DAD" really big on the front. Dh said he was sure that it was for me, too. Yeah right! My name wasn't anywhere on the card. Then she kept giving him little folded pieces of paper that said stuff like "I love you so much daddy!" etc. Nothing like a week of that to drive home the point as to why I want one of my own. Sd doesn't even know that dh & I are talking about having a baby, so I don't know what's up with this sudden love-fest she's giving him. What made it even harder was that I was the one taking care of her all day during the week (on my vacation!!) and dh was working late most days...which I guess just made her miss him or something.
A big part of the reason that I had to disengage was that dh was always acusing me of being mean to sd. After I disengaged I think he finally figured it out. I had to yell at her b/c she was out of control and nobody was doing anything about it. If I got mad enough she would behave. So once I stopped trying to tell sd what to do, dh had to face what she was really like b/c now nobody was doing anything about her rude behavior. I haven't been accused of being mean since I have disengaged. Of course I had to get used to a lot of bad, bad behavior for a while until it got so bad that dh actually did something about it.
In fact, we're kind of going through that whole routine again (except that I'm already disengaged) because sd is starting to act like she used to. Getting sassy, yelling at dh, boardering on fits. Dh is going to have to re-learn how to parent her because the last few years she has not caused any problems. Now it's starting up again with the hormones and all the fun stuff.
Sd's been getting sassy at dh lately and even yelling at him. More disengaging for me! Especially yesterday when sd yelled at dh and dh APOLOGIZED to her for what she was yelling at him about! Oh, how I wanted to get in there and deal with THAT situation! I know that bm yells most of the time at her house, so I'm sure that sd is used to the yelling, plus she's probably at "that" age now. What fun.
For some reason she is always polite and nice to me. Always responds to me in pleasant tone of voice. I am stumped as to why this is. She gets sassy to dh and dh's parents a lot, yet she is sweet as sugar to me. Best I can figure is that it is all these years of disengaging paying off! I don't parent her, therefore I don't get the sassy attitude that the others get. I'm not even sure how I'd respond if she got sassy to me. I'd be so surprised!
Is tummy aches something that these skids get together and plot? My sd used to get "stomach aches" all the time and I have heard other stepmoms say the same thing! Oh, it was so frustrating, and yes it totally felt like it was just a way to get more attention from daddy -- and even more importantly, to get his attention away from me! He would drop anything to comfort her and make sure that she was catered to. It seemed very fake to me. She will ocassionally do this nowadays, mostly it's car-sickness. Especially if we're listening to my music, then it's, "Daddy, I feel car sick. The music is too loud, can you turn it off? Ohhhh...my head!"
I don't get irriated by her too much when it's just the two of us. But when it's all three of us then she does start to get to me. If we go to grandma and grandpa's (my in-laws) then it's even worse. She gets snotty and won't listen when dh is around, but she gets 10x worse when we go to grandma and grandpa's. At times like that I would have a very difficult time thinking up warm fuzzy qualities. I just want to smack her, but then I think about boundaries and how she's not my kid and it's not me that she's being rude to and I try really hard to let it go.
What helps me out when I'm feeling this way is to go up to sd and be nice to her. When I feel that way, that is the last thing that I WANT to do but it does help. If I sit down and start asking her about what she is doing or how she is doing or if she wants to do something with me she usually responds well to that. If I just acted on my feelings I wouldn't go up to her and I would probably just be wallowing in my irritated feelings. But getting out there and doing opposite of what I feel like doing really seems to help. I hope that makes sense!
When I was first married my sd ran the home, no ifs ands or buts about it. She had way more say than I did about how the house was decorated, how we spent our time and money, etc. All because dh allowed it. If our dh'd don't step up and make some serious changes things are not only not going to get better, they are going to get worse! If she's like this at 5, picture her at 10 when she's a lot bigger and louder!
And, it really doesn't make you want to love a child when they intentionally do the wrong thing in front of you so that DH will yell at you for saying something instead of yelling at sd. So, they see that you have no control over them when Dad is there.
I used to be really jealous of the affections between dh and sd. I held off on saying that I thought anything was inappropriate until sd got a little older (ten or so) because I honestly believed that if sd was MY child I probably wouldn't have a problem with the affection. I think they went overboard on the affection at times and MY real problem was feeling displaced. I had had people comment to me (of course not him??) that they thought that he was ignoring me and paying way too much attention to her.
But I've been on sm boards for about four years or so now, and I have heard some crazy stories about dh's being way too affectionate with their daughters. One dh would let his teenage daughter shave his back and give him back rubs, and he would give her back rubs as well. This same teenage daughter would lounge around in revealing sleepwear. I've heard of other cases where the teenage daughter would cut the dh's hair, cuddle in bed, talk about very grown up things together, flirt with each other. So, I am certainly not promoting that you ignore it and hope it goes away. It could actually get WORSE as she gets older.
I am lucky now that my sd has her period. I have used that as an excuse in telling dh that something he is doing is inappropriate. Generally, he is fine, but sometimes he needs to have something pointed out to him. Like one time about a month ago, he was patting her on the knee while talking to her. But his hand stopped and stayed on her knee, I was sitting there watching his hand on her leg waiting very impatiently for him to remove his hand. After what felt like forever, he looked at me and asked what was wrong. I said, "It is extremely inappropriate for you to have your hand on her leg!" I don't know if he was embarrassed or what, but he got kind of upset at me, and he said that he didn't even realize that had his hand there. I said that he needed to be more aware of such things now that sd has her period. Maybe I over-reacted, maybe I didn't. But what he did was not appropriate to ME, his wife, and he needs to respect that.
When we first married, I didn't want to spend any time with sd at all -- much less be alone with her! She was spoiled rotten and got away with everything. She knew she didn't have to listen to me because any time that I tried to discipline her, daddy would tell me in front of her that I was wrong. She was even worse when he wasn't looking. It was okay for her to disrespect me, but I was not allowed to disrespect her. The whole situation was bad and that is why I did not want to spend any time alone with her. I did not trust her and I could not control her, she was wild and was prone to breaking things.
For some reason I have been stuck in the habit of taking my vacations the same time that I have always taken them since I was in school. I take a week around Christmas time and a week in the Summer. Old habits die hard, I guess. As you can imagine those vacations that I take coincide with the time that sd has off and guess how I spend most of my vacation time (since dh doesn't take vacations, he just takes off a day here and day there when sd has school field trips and such and that takes up all his vacation days...so obviously dh & I don't spend any of his vacation days together). It's like he figures that he doesn't need to take the time off if I'm going to be watching her. I don't mind spending time with her anymore. We get along and she's pretty responsible. But, that's not how I dream about spending my vacation time when I am working hard all the rest of the year. I think that it gives dh a sense that he's doing good for sd if she's here even if he only sees her a couple hours in the evenings and I'm with her all day. Dh's parents live nearby so I usually drop her off with them for a while and go do things so I don't start to feel resentful or anything. That seems to help a lot.
When I first got married I was blind-sided with everything revolving around sd and feeling like I didn't matter at all. Unfortunately I didn't have an online support group for the first couple of years of my marriage. I can tell you a lot of DON'Ts because I probably did everything wrong for the first two years. But I have also learned a lot of DOs over the years as well. I'll share some with you.
DON'T:
Resent your sd
Resent your dh
Resent the whole situation Expect your dh to understand your feelings
Keep all your feelings to yourself (work them out here and then share them with dh in a non-emotional way)
Allow yourself be disrespected by dh or sd
Scream and throw things when you are at the end of your rope (come and vent to us, that's what we're here for!)
Blame your dh for the hardships that come with being a sm
Blame your sd for the hardships
Keep a list of every way you have been hurt or sacrificed
Isolite yourself from friends and family
Be too hard on yourself -- being a sm is VERY hard!
Take things personally, your dh's & sd's problems are THEIR problems
Back away and feel sorry for yourself if you feel left out
Be jealous of their time together and/or affections shared (unless it is inappropriate)
Be jealous of the sd
Complain to dh about sd...it will only lead to dh resenting you
Badmouth bm or dh to/in front of sd
DO:
Focus on the good that is around you Focus on the good in the people around you
Spend time with your friends and family
Tell dh & sd what you appreciate about them
Try to be as patient as possible
Take lots of deep breaths
Make sure you eat well and exercise (it will help your outlook!)
Pick up some good books on stepfamilies and boundaries
Admit all your negative feelings because if you keep them bottled up they will only get worse
Keep a sense of humor
Keep a private journal (I like www.my-diary.org)
Remember that you can only control yourself: actions, thoughts, words, etc.
Remember his child, ultimately HIS responsibility
Consider counseling -- make sure it is someone who deals with stepfamilies regularly, nothing's worse than a counselor that says: well you KNEW he had a child when you married him!
Give them time to spend alone and make sure that you spend one-on-one time with both of them (might take a little while to happen in your case)
Make new traditions as a family
It's getting to the point where I am starting to purposefully make plans on the weekends so that I can get away. I posted somewhere else about how frustrated I was over something very similar. Basically I end up watching sd, helping her with her homework, cooking, etc. because dh is out working on the cars/yard/whatever most of the day on weekends. Then when he comes into the house he wants to spend family time and I am ready to get out and get some ALONE TIME. Then to top it off, much of the stuff (at least when I was feeling frustrated!) that we doing during family time were things that I didn't even want to do.
I ended up planning my weekend last weekend so full that I didn't have a spare moment. Wouldn't you know that would be the weekend that bm freaks out and dh ended up letting sd stay with her?? That's fine, I'm going to fill up up my weekends until dh starts to appreciate me. I never hear a "thank you" for all that I do for sd and how I am actually a good influence on her and a good friend to her. No, all he ever talks about is how *I* am personally screwing her up (never mind the fact that bm is a certified nut, verbally abusive and neglectful). I spend time with her, I talk to her, I listen to her, I play games with her and watch the tv shows that she likes, I take her shopping when she needs clothes, etc. etc. etc.
I don't want to act like a parent if I'm not getting any appreciation from dh for all that I do for HIS kid. I like her and I want to be a positive influence on her. But I won't do it without dh's support. If he says that I am screwing her up so badly then why does he leave me alone with her for the majority of the weekends?? He needs to get his story straight with his actions.
When dh and I first married sd was manipulating everything and getting away with everything. She was mean to me behind dh's back and then turned into this sweet "angel" when he was looking. He just could not see why I was "out to get his little angel."
Well, when she would get in trouble in school or by her stepdad I actually found some pleasure in that. It was nice to know that not EVERYBODY was going to bow down and kiss her feet and let her get away with whatever she wanted. It gave me hope that she might learn a lesson somehow and begin to change. Thank goodness she did eventually change!
I don't even know where to start! Somehow it's MY fault that sd doesn't live with us...not that she ever lived with him BEFORE I came into the picture! I make this place so miserable and I'm not nice to her at all and I don't consider her feelings, and OHHHHHHH how I messing her up! What about the psycho who he chose to have a child with?? He knew she was psycho, he never wanted to marry her (but unprotected sex was okay). She has exposed sd to so many bad things I couldn't possibly list them all here. Sd's been exposed to serious hard-core porn by bm's hands and apparently sd's sf puts that crap on the tv when the kids are right there, too. There's tons of verbal and emotional abuse going on over there. Bm is actively attempting to PAS sd against dh. I could go on, but I will stop here, you get the point. Her dh is loaded and they can afford the sleaziest laywers around and nothing ever happens to them. So when sd misbehaves dh can't discipline her BECAUSE SHE HAS LEARNED IT ALL FROM ME!! We should not be called stepmoms, we should be called SGs (scapegoats).
I remember the one time when bm had a bday party for sd (yes, it was only one time) and she invited dh and I to come. Oh, it was one of the most torturous 3 hours of my life! It was in bm's town and it was all her friends and their kids. Dh knew everybody already and everyone totally and completely ignored me...dh didn't even bother to introduce to me to anyone. The only time that anyone paid any bit of attention to me was when sd sat down with me for a minute, but bm was right there whining to sd trying to get her away, jealous that she sat with me for like 5 seconds. To top it all off I was totally depressed about not having any kids of my own, while watching dh cellebrate his child's birth, with bm there, and everyone ignoring me.
It irritated me to no end that sd was always messing with my stuff and had no regard for my things. It didn't help either that dh took her side always. He said I was just being selfish and that I needed to learn to share! Even when sd broke something valuable of mine (and lied about it...I was right there) he didn't even make her apologize to me! He told me that his daughter does not lie!
Just because you and I are stepmoms does not mean that we have signed away our right to privacy and our right to have a say as to who uses our stuff. I've been married 5 years and anything important or special to me is hidden away. Sad, isn't it? There's nothing wrong with wanting to have things that are "yours". Dh has his garage, sd has her bedroom...what's mine? Just the stuff that I have stored away...
Early into our marriage I remember dh complaining that I acted like I liked other kids better than my own sd. I remember thinking with a raised eyebrow: "Uh...hello? Those other kids don't treat me bad like sd does!" Of course dh would have gone through the roof if I'd said that! Sd used to do everything that she could to get under my skin and tick me off. She was so good at it that I'm sure that she had coaching (bm). Dh couldn't see any of it...mainly because she quickly turned into an angel when he was around. She would lie to me, about me to dh, she would argue with me and tattle on me to dh, she would refuse to do anything that I asked her to do, there was even a time when she would hit me any chance that she got! She would always get in between dh and I not allowing us to have any physical contact when she was around -- and dh allowed that and got mad at me for saying anything about it! ...and he wondered why I "acted" like I liked other kids better than her??? He said that I hurt her poor little feelings...poor little baby!
But, I do have to add that things have really gotten a lot better in recent times. Sd and I get along really well and she treats me with far more respect than she does dh! She talks to me about "girl things" now...she used to talk to dh about every thing. She asks me to do things with/for her and even asks my permission to do things if I'm right there...even if dh is home! So, take heart, it can better.
I know that after getting married I definitely felt like I was expected to compromise so that dh and sd could feel like everything was just the same as before. We went out to eat where THEY wanted, we spent 10 hours a day on every Saturday and Sunday (no exaggeration!) with dh's parents because sd was "so close" to them and she hardly knew my parents. Dh and sd would be mad at me if I suggested that we do anything else on the weekends besides go to dh's parents. I couldn't even decorate the house the way that I wanted to because once I did, sd would go and redecorate it and dh would get angry at me if I said anything. He wanted to make sure that she felt at home, so he wasn't going to tell her that she couldn't decorate the house!! (She was in early elementary school at that time.) Isn't that how all parents make their kids feel at home...let them decorate the house and have more of a say of how things go than their own spouse!
I honestly can't think of any way that either of them had to compromise for the sake of me. Although dh claims that he has done NOTHING but give up things because he married me. He has to pay attention to me when sd is here and he has to give to thought to what someone other than he & sd thinks and feels. I guess that was a HUGE compromise for him.
dh = husband
sd = stepdaughter
bm = biological mother
Shortly after I was married I laid down the rules in no uncertain terms. It was great...for a while. Sd listened to me and there was finally some peace in the house when she was around. But then what happened is that I did turn into the bad guy. They both just saw me as being mean to sd because I was enforcing rules that neither one of them wanted. They both resented me and dh would give sd the whole "poor baby" routine when I disciplined. I was just so mean because I expected her to have table manners and be courteous to those around her. I finally quit parenting her at all. Yes, it was easily one of the hardest things that I did. I remember wanting to physically explode when she was throwing a fit in a store because she WANTED a toy or ordering her father around. It was all I could do to not kill the both of them with my bare hands. You know what eventually happened? Dh finally saw the light, he finally saw what a little spoiled brat he was raising. Why did he see that? Because nobody was doing anything about her behavior. When she started ordering grandma around and being extremely rude and demanding in public and in front of people who dh wants to impress he DID get it. It was then that he started parenting her and to this day he still does 99.9% of the parenting and she is a respectful and polite kid now. Men have a much higher tolerance for kids bad behavior in general (whether they are married to the kids biomom or stepmom) something to do with the maternal instinct, I guess. It just takes more for them to see the extent of the child's behavior than it does for us. That is partly why being a stepmom is so hard.
Remember that if you step back and WAIT for him to parent her--as much as it feels like it will kill you--you will find that he will eventually get it. My life has been so much better since I made that decision, even though it was very hard at the time the rewards have been far more wonderful.
Maybe these kids have entitlement issues. When we first moved into our house, sd told us that she wanted the mater bedroom with the walk in closet and bathroom. I didn't know whether to laugh at her or put her in her place. I didn't see her name on the mortgage payments! When dh explained that the master bedroom was for us, she started in on wanting the middle sized bedroom. I fought that one, too, because she's only here on the weekends. Luckily before we gotten our stuff in the house, my sister in law was over for a visit. Sd was telling her how she was going to get (translation: she really wanted) the middle sized bedroom. My SIL turned to me (dh was somewhere else) and asked point blank, "Why is she getting that bedroom? She's hardly ever here?" and I replied, "I have no idea. Nobody ever listens to me around here." Would you believe that sd did not ask about the middle bedroom after that?? Well, not until my SIL divorced dh's brother...then sd started asking again. Which is fine because I have since decided that I like the smallest bedroom better than the medium one and want to make that one into a nursery. I still win!
My sd will probably never know or understand all or even most of what my dh has given up for her. I've had to give up a lot, too, just because I married him. He has to fight bm every step of the way, but he just keeps on fighting. Bm continues to move farther and farther away, hoping that dh will give up some of his visitation. He just leaves work earlier to drive to see sd every midweek visit and Friday, thus he works later on the other days (less time w/me). He works at a job that he absolutely hates because it is the only job that he can find that will allow him to work flexible hours...and he has put up with a lot of grief from fellow co-workers who want to leave early the days that he leaves early (but you don't see them staying late the other days). He deals with bm harassing him, he fights off her PAS attempts all the time. He pays his support EARLY every month. We have to fix our cars a lot because of the wear and tear they get from that long drive to and from bm's twice every week.
I can't wait to have a child of my own...one that has no other mother. When dh was dead-set against it I was in so much inner turmoil and pain thinking that nobody would ever call me mommy.
Even now I still struggle with it. Over the holidays, sd was making cards and "love notes" for dh and it was really tearing at my heart. She made this very elaborate Christmas card for him that I was big enough to display with all of our other Christmas cards (dh didn't ask me to, I just did it). It hurt that the card said "DAD" really big on the front. Dh said he was sure that it was for me, too. Yeah right! My name wasn't anywhere on the card. Then she kept giving him little folded pieces of paper that said stuff like "I love you so much daddy!" etc. Nothing like a week of that to drive home the point as to why I want one of my own. Sd doesn't even know that dh & I are talking about having a baby, so I don't know what's up with this sudden love-fest she's giving him. What made it even harder was that I was the one taking care of her all day during the week (on my vacation!!) and dh was working late most days...which I guess just made her miss him or something.
A big part of the reason that I had to disengage was that dh was always acusing me of being mean to sd. After I disengaged I think he finally figured it out. I had to yell at her b/c she was out of control and nobody was doing anything about it. If I got mad enough she would behave. So once I stopped trying to tell sd what to do, dh had to face what she was really like b/c now nobody was doing anything about her rude behavior. I haven't been accused of being mean since I have disengaged. Of course I had to get used to a lot of bad, bad behavior for a while until it got so bad that dh actually did something about it.
In fact, we're kind of going through that whole routine again (except that I'm already disengaged) because sd is starting to act like she used to. Getting sassy, yelling at dh, boardering on fits. Dh is going to have to re-learn how to parent her because the last few years she has not caused any problems. Now it's starting up again with the hormones and all the fun stuff.
Sd's been getting sassy at dh lately and even yelling at him. More disengaging for me! Especially yesterday when sd yelled at dh and dh APOLOGIZED to her for what she was yelling at him about! Oh, how I wanted to get in there and deal with THAT situation! I know that bm yells most of the time at her house, so I'm sure that sd is used to the yelling, plus she's probably at "that" age now. What fun.
For some reason she is always polite and nice to me. Always responds to me in pleasant tone of voice. I am stumped as to why this is. She gets sassy to dh and dh's parents a lot, yet she is sweet as sugar to me. Best I can figure is that it is all these years of disengaging paying off! I don't parent her, therefore I don't get the sassy attitude that the others get. I'm not even sure how I'd respond if she got sassy to me. I'd be so surprised!
Is tummy aches something that these skids get together and plot? My sd used to get "stomach aches" all the time and I have heard other stepmoms say the same thing! Oh, it was so frustrating, and yes it totally felt like it was just a way to get more attention from daddy -- and even more importantly, to get his attention away from me! He would drop anything to comfort her and make sure that she was catered to. It seemed very fake to me. She will ocassionally do this nowadays, mostly it's car-sickness. Especially if we're listening to my music, then it's, "Daddy, I feel car sick. The music is too loud, can you turn it off? Ohhhh...my head!"
I don't get irriated by her too much when it's just the two of us. But when it's all three of us then she does start to get to me. If we go to grandma and grandpa's (my in-laws) then it's even worse. She gets snotty and won't listen when dh is around, but she gets 10x worse when we go to grandma and grandpa's. At times like that I would have a very difficult time thinking up warm fuzzy qualities. I just want to smack her, but then I think about boundaries and how she's not my kid and it's not me that she's being rude to and I try really hard to let it go.
What helps me out when I'm feeling this way is to go up to sd and be nice to her. When I feel that way, that is the last thing that I WANT to do but it does help. If I sit down and start asking her about what she is doing or how she is doing or if she wants to do something with me she usually responds well to that. If I just acted on my feelings I wouldn't go up to her and I would probably just be wallowing in my irritated feelings. But getting out there and doing opposite of what I feel like doing really seems to help. I hope that makes sense!
When I was first married my sd ran the home, no ifs ands or buts about it. She had way more say than I did about how the house was decorated, how we spent our time and money, etc. All because dh allowed it. If our dh'd don't step up and make some serious changes things are not only not going to get better, they are going to get worse! If she's like this at 5, picture her at 10 when she's a lot bigger and louder!
And, it really doesn't make you want to love a child when they intentionally do the wrong thing in front of you so that DH will yell at you for saying something instead of yelling at sd. So, they see that you have no control over them when Dad is there.
I used to be really jealous of the affections between dh and sd. I held off on saying that I thought anything was inappropriate until sd got a little older (ten or so) because I honestly believed that if sd was MY child I probably wouldn't have a problem with the affection. I think they went overboard on the affection at times and MY real problem was feeling displaced. I had had people comment to me (of course not him??) that they thought that he was ignoring me and paying way too much attention to her.
But I've been on sm boards for about four years or so now, and I have heard some crazy stories about dh's being way too affectionate with their daughters. One dh would let his teenage daughter shave his back and give him back rubs, and he would give her back rubs as well. This same teenage daughter would lounge around in revealing sleepwear. I've heard of other cases where the teenage daughter would cut the dh's hair, cuddle in bed, talk about very grown up things together, flirt with each other. So, I am certainly not promoting that you ignore it and hope it goes away. It could actually get WORSE as she gets older.
I am lucky now that my sd has her period. I have used that as an excuse in telling dh that something he is doing is inappropriate. Generally, he is fine, but sometimes he needs to have something pointed out to him. Like one time about a month ago, he was patting her on the knee while talking to her. But his hand stopped and stayed on her knee, I was sitting there watching his hand on her leg waiting very impatiently for him to remove his hand. After what felt like forever, he looked at me and asked what was wrong. I said, "It is extremely inappropriate for you to have your hand on her leg!" I don't know if he was embarrassed or what, but he got kind of upset at me, and he said that he didn't even realize that had his hand there. I said that he needed to be more aware of such things now that sd has her period. Maybe I over-reacted, maybe I didn't. But what he did was not appropriate to ME, his wife, and he needs to respect that.
When we first married, I didn't want to spend any time with sd at all -- much less be alone with her! She was spoiled rotten and got away with everything. She knew she didn't have to listen to me because any time that I tried to discipline her, daddy would tell me in front of her that I was wrong. She was even worse when he wasn't looking. It was okay for her to disrespect me, but I was not allowed to disrespect her. The whole situation was bad and that is why I did not want to spend any time alone with her. I did not trust her and I could not control her, she was wild and was prone to breaking things.
For some reason I have been stuck in the habit of taking my vacations the same time that I have always taken them since I was in school. I take a week around Christmas time and a week in the Summer. Old habits die hard, I guess. As you can imagine those vacations that I take coincide with the time that sd has off and guess how I spend most of my vacation time (since dh doesn't take vacations, he just takes off a day here and day there when sd has school field trips and such and that takes up all his vacation days...so obviously dh & I don't spend any of his vacation days together). It's like he figures that he doesn't need to take the time off if I'm going to be watching her. I don't mind spending time with her anymore. We get along and she's pretty responsible. But, that's not how I dream about spending my vacation time when I am working hard all the rest of the year. I think that it gives dh a sense that he's doing good for sd if she's here even if he only sees her a couple hours in the evenings and I'm with her all day. Dh's parents live nearby so I usually drop her off with them for a while and go do things so I don't start to feel resentful or anything. That seems to help a lot.
When I first got married I was blind-sided with everything revolving around sd and feeling like I didn't matter at all. Unfortunately I didn't have an online support group for the first couple of years of my marriage. I can tell you a lot of DON'Ts because I probably did everything wrong for the first two years. But I have also learned a lot of DOs over the years as well. I'll share some with you.
DON'T:
Resent your sd
Resent your dh
Resent the whole situation Expect your dh to understand your feelings
Keep all your feelings to yourself (work them out here and then share them with dh in a non-emotional way)
Allow yourself be disrespected by dh or sd
Scream and throw things when you are at the end of your rope (come and vent to us, that's what we're here for!)
Blame your dh for the hardships that come with being a sm
Blame your sd for the hardships
Keep a list of every way you have been hurt or sacrificed
Isolite yourself from friends and family
Be too hard on yourself -- being a sm is VERY hard!
Take things personally, your dh's & sd's problems are THEIR problems
Back away and feel sorry for yourself if you feel left out
Be jealous of their time together and/or affections shared (unless it is inappropriate)
Be jealous of the sd
Complain to dh about sd...it will only lead to dh resenting you
Badmouth bm or dh to/in front of sd
DO:
Focus on the good that is around you Focus on the good in the people around you
Spend time with your friends and family
Tell dh & sd what you appreciate about them
Try to be as patient as possible
Take lots of deep breaths
Make sure you eat well and exercise (it will help your outlook!)
Pick up some good books on stepfamilies and boundaries
Admit all your negative feelings because if you keep them bottled up they will only get worse
Keep a sense of humor
Keep a private journal (I like www.my-diary.org)
Remember that you can only control yourself: actions, thoughts, words, etc.
Remember his child, ultimately HIS responsibility
Consider counseling -- make sure it is someone who deals with stepfamilies regularly, nothing's worse than a counselor that says: well you KNEW he had a child when you married him!
Give them time to spend alone and make sure that you spend one-on-one time with both of them (might take a little while to happen in your case)
Make new traditions as a family
It's getting to the point where I am starting to purposefully make plans on the weekends so that I can get away. I posted somewhere else about how frustrated I was over something very similar. Basically I end up watching sd, helping her with her homework, cooking, etc. because dh is out working on the cars/yard/whatever most of the day on weekends. Then when he comes into the house he wants to spend family time and I am ready to get out and get some ALONE TIME. Then to top it off, much of the stuff (at least when I was feeling frustrated!) that we doing during family time were things that I didn't even want to do.
I ended up planning my weekend last weekend so full that I didn't have a spare moment. Wouldn't you know that would be the weekend that bm freaks out and dh ended up letting sd stay with her?? That's fine, I'm going to fill up up my weekends until dh starts to appreciate me. I never hear a "thank you" for all that I do for sd and how I am actually a good influence on her and a good friend to her. No, all he ever talks about is how *I* am personally screwing her up (never mind the fact that bm is a certified nut, verbally abusive and neglectful). I spend time with her, I talk to her, I listen to her, I play games with her and watch the tv shows that she likes, I take her shopping when she needs clothes, etc. etc. etc.
I don't want to act like a parent if I'm not getting any appreciation from dh for all that I do for HIS kid. I like her and I want to be a positive influence on her. But I won't do it without dh's support. If he says that I am screwing her up so badly then why does he leave me alone with her for the majority of the weekends?? He needs to get his story straight with his actions.
When dh and I first married sd was manipulating everything and getting away with everything. She was mean to me behind dh's back and then turned into this sweet "angel" when he was looking. He just could not see why I was "out to get his little angel."
Well, when she would get in trouble in school or by her stepdad I actually found some pleasure in that. It was nice to know that not EVERYBODY was going to bow down and kiss her feet and let her get away with whatever she wanted. It gave me hope that she might learn a lesson somehow and begin to change. Thank goodness she did eventually change!
I don't even know where to start! Somehow it's MY fault that sd doesn't live with us...not that she ever lived with him BEFORE I came into the picture! I make this place so miserable and I'm not nice to her at all and I don't consider her feelings, and OHHHHHHH how I messing her up! What about the psycho who he chose to have a child with?? He knew she was psycho, he never wanted to marry her (but unprotected sex was okay). She has exposed sd to so many bad things I couldn't possibly list them all here. Sd's been exposed to serious hard-core porn by bm's hands and apparently sd's sf puts that crap on the tv when the kids are right there, too. There's tons of verbal and emotional abuse going on over there. Bm is actively attempting to PAS sd against dh. I could go on, but I will stop here, you get the point. Her dh is loaded and they can afford the sleaziest laywers around and nothing ever happens to them. So when sd misbehaves dh can't discipline her BECAUSE SHE HAS LEARNED IT ALL FROM ME!! We should not be called stepmoms, we should be called SGs (scapegoats).
I remember the one time when bm had a bday party for sd (yes, it was only one time) and she invited dh and I to come. Oh, it was one of the most torturous 3 hours of my life! It was in bm's town and it was all her friends and their kids. Dh knew everybody already and everyone totally and completely ignored me...dh didn't even bother to introduce to me to anyone. The only time that anyone paid any bit of attention to me was when sd sat down with me for a minute, but bm was right there whining to sd trying to get her away, jealous that she sat with me for like 5 seconds. To top it all off I was totally depressed about not having any kids of my own, while watching dh cellebrate his child's birth, with bm there, and everyone ignoring me.
It irritated me to no end that sd was always messing with my stuff and had no regard for my things. It didn't help either that dh took her side always. He said I was just being selfish and that I needed to learn to share! Even when sd broke something valuable of mine (and lied about it...I was right there) he didn't even make her apologize to me! He told me that his daughter does not lie!
Just because you and I are stepmoms does not mean that we have signed away our right to privacy and our right to have a say as to who uses our stuff. I've been married 5 years and anything important or special to me is hidden away. Sad, isn't it? There's nothing wrong with wanting to have things that are "yours". Dh has his garage, sd has her bedroom...what's mine? Just the stuff that I have stored away...
Early into our marriage I remember dh complaining that I acted like I liked other kids better than my own sd. I remember thinking with a raised eyebrow: "Uh...hello? Those other kids don't treat me bad like sd does!" Of course dh would have gone through the roof if I'd said that! Sd used to do everything that she could to get under my skin and tick me off. She was so good at it that I'm sure that she had coaching (bm). Dh couldn't see any of it...mainly because she quickly turned into an angel when he was around. She would lie to me, about me to dh, she would argue with me and tattle on me to dh, she would refuse to do anything that I asked her to do, there was even a time when she would hit me any chance that she got! She would always get in between dh and I not allowing us to have any physical contact when she was around -- and dh allowed that and got mad at me for saying anything about it! ...and he wondered why I "acted" like I liked other kids better than her??? He said that I hurt her poor little feelings...poor little baby!
But, I do have to add that things have really gotten a lot better in recent times. Sd and I get along really well and she treats me with far more respect than she does dh! She talks to me about "girl things" now...she used to talk to dh about every thing. She asks me to do things with/for her and even asks my permission to do things if I'm right there...even if dh is home! So, take heart, it can better.
I know that after getting married I definitely felt like I was expected to compromise so that dh and sd could feel like everything was just the same as before. We went out to eat where THEY wanted, we spent 10 hours a day on every Saturday and Sunday (no exaggeration!) with dh's parents because sd was "so close" to them and she hardly knew my parents. Dh and sd would be mad at me if I suggested that we do anything else on the weekends besides go to dh's parents. I couldn't even decorate the house the way that I wanted to because once I did, sd would go and redecorate it and dh would get angry at me if I said anything. He wanted to make sure that she felt at home, so he wasn't going to tell her that she couldn't decorate the house!! (She was in early elementary school at that time.) Isn't that how all parents make their kids feel at home...let them decorate the house and have more of a say of how things go than their own spouse!
I honestly can't think of any way that either of them had to compromise for the sake of me. Although dh claims that he has done NOTHING but give up things because he married me. He has to pay attention to me when sd is here and he has to give to thought to what someone other than he & sd thinks and feels. I guess that was a HUGE compromise for him.
