My Story at a Glance... I met my husband when I was still in college and he was a young single dad. He had been divorced for a few years and had a little girl that he was obviously very proud of. We both had big dreams of having a family and it seemed that our dreams were one and the same. I had always wanted to have some kids of my own and also adopt one. I thought that having a stepchild would be like adopting--and cheaper, too! I was wrong on both counts, but more about that later.
When I first met his daughter, she was very shy and didn't want to have much to do with me. It didn't take too long for her to warm up to me. Soon she was grabbing my hand and dragging me places, excited to have me along for the day. She loved it when I played with her and we took her to the park quite often. One day she even told us that she wanted us to get married. Things were great, what more could I ask for? I had heard so many horror stories of stepchildren hating their stepparents and this little girl couldn't get enough of me!
Then came the day that I had been waiting for: the day we got engaged. It seemed that everyone was so happy! A number of people expressed concern to me, but I ignored them. They just didn't see how happy we obviously were. Or maybe they could see beyond how happy we were. About half way through our engagement, his daughter started acting up. She would throw these fits that I couldn't believe. For no reason, she would just start screaming at the top of her lungs while crying and she wouldn't stop. I would ask my fiance why he wouldn't do anything about it and he said that he couldn't control her fits. By the time that our wedding day came I completely ignored her in the dressing room because she was just sitting there with this angry, pouty look on her face and I knew that she wouldn't let me do anything pretty with her hair. Her hair was down and messy for the wedding while the other flower girl had her hair up beautifully. Later I saw in the wedding video that she was making ugly faces during the whole ceremony.
The honeymoon came and went. It was nice, we had fun and the weather was great. We came back home and got into the routine of life. The very next weekend my new stepdaughter came to stay with us. She was rude to me the entire time. I was trying hard to be the good, happy stepmom. Anytime that I offered her something to eat or drink she would say that she wasn't hungry or thirsty. Then two seconds later, she would run to her father and ask him for the exact thing that I had just offered her. Whenever my husband's back was turned she was extremely rude to me and she magically turned into an angel when he was looking. If my husband and I were hugging or holding hands, she had to break us apart and hug him or hold his hand. If I was laying my head in his lap, she'd bat her little eyes and ask so sweetly if she could sit in daddy's lap.
Most every weekend that she came to visit us was the same story. She refused to do anything that I asked her or told her to do. She even broke something valuable of mine and lied about it. I was right there when she did it, but my husband told me that his daughter does not lie so I didn't even get an apology from her for breaking my valuable! She also started hitting me whenever she got the chance, she said that she was just playing but I didn't think that she was. One day she and I were playing a board game and she was cheating. I told her to stop and told her how to play the game the right way and she just started arguing with me and was in my face about it. I was about ready to get up and leave the room when my husband came in. I thought that he was going to tell her to stop it and be respectful of his wife, but what he did was scold me for "arguing with her" and basically told me that I was immature!
Things went like this for a long time. I was getting tired of trying so hard with a stepdaughter that was out to get me. I was getting tired of having my husband constantly defend and side with his daughter. I was tired of doing all the chores, all the cooking, everything that was tedious and boring while the two of them were watching tv, playing games, and doing other fun stuff. The typical schedule in the evening was for the two of them to sit in front of the tv while I went and cooked dinner. Then we'd all eat dinner and they would go back to the tv (without even clearing their plates) and I went to the kitchen cleaning up the mess from dinner listening to them laughing at the tv and each other. My husband even told me at one point that when she was with us that I had better not expect any affection from him because he was going to give it all to my stepdaughter. He said that if I wanted affection from him then I needed to be giving all my affection to her.
Needless to say, this was not my dream come true. My dream was that of a happy, loving family. I dreamed of a husband that delighted in me, not one who chose to ignore me when his daughter was around. My dream was that of the little girl who loved me when her dad and I were dating. My dream was to have my own children, not have my husband tell me that I was too immature to have children because he didn't think that I was a good enough mother to his daughter (who already has a mother who loves her). My dream was not for my husband to demand that I treat his daughter like a royal princess while he refused to see her treating me like a worthless servant. It seemed that my heart broke at every turn.
Somehow I had become the wicked stepmother. I found myself short-tempered, irritable, insanely jealous, angry, a ranting-raving-lunatic at times, and ready to give my stepdaughter in a one-way plane ticket for the middle of Antartica. I finally figured out why stepmothers have the reputation for being evil and wicked: their husbands and stepchildren turn them into wicked, evil stepmothers! When I got married, I had big dreams of us all being a happy family, but as each dream got crushed in my face I became the wicked stepmother of our household. Just seeing the two of them cuddling on couch together was enough to send me into a rage. I was insanely jealous of the fact that my husband would not treat me like a wife when she was around. How could he possibly expect good things to come from that decision? She was constantly "telling on me" and trying to get my husband to hate me. She was a devil-child to me but a complete angel to him. Because I couldn't control her or be a "good enough mother" to her I was told that I was too immature to have children of my own. I think that all of this would be enough to turn ANYONE into a wicked stepmother!!
Like I said at the beginning I am now a not-so-evil stepmother. My stepdaughter is respectful to me and usually likes to spend time with me. I am still somewhat evil and probably always will be. Stepmothers always represent a previous failed marriage and are a reminder that the children will never again be able to live in one house with both of their parents. I did not give birth to her nor did I have the chance to bond with her when she was an innocent little baby. I still have the hurts from when she was trying to tear my marriage apart because of her own insecurities. I realize now that all of her actions were pretty much normal and that she was fighting me not so much for me but for what I represented: never having her parents together again. Even though she was too young to remember them together, every child holds that dream. I also realize that she was as jealous of me as I became of her. She was jealous that she had to share her father with me and probably jealous that I was with him when she couldn't be. I was jealous that when she was around I had to back off and not get any affection from my own husband because he was giving all of his affection to this little child who was treating me like dirt. The relationship that I have with my stepdaughter is nothing like a parent-child relationship because no parent would have to deal with all of this. So, like I said earlier, this relationship is NOT like adopting a child. Being a stepparent is unlike anything else, there is no other relationship to compare it. It is also more expensive than adopting because child support costs are insane--more than 1/4 of my husband's entire income (pre-tax) goes to child support.
I have come a long way, even though I do admit to having a long way to go still. What you have just read is a very basic outline of my story. It is in no way the meat of the story. I have many stories to share about my experiences as a stepparent. I want to offer support and hope to other stepparents who are going through as much heartache and pain that I have gone through and still go through at times. My husband now says that he would like to have a child with me someday. This battle that we have had regarding having children together has been my biggest heartache and I will surely write much on that subject. I will also share my mistakes to be avoided and I will also share the things that I did right and my victories.
When I first met his daughter, she was very shy and didn't want to have much to do with me. It didn't take too long for her to warm up to me. Soon she was grabbing my hand and dragging me places, excited to have me along for the day. She loved it when I played with her and we took her to the park quite often. One day she even told us that she wanted us to get married. Things were great, what more could I ask for? I had heard so many horror stories of stepchildren hating their stepparents and this little girl couldn't get enough of me!
Then came the day that I had been waiting for: the day we got engaged. It seemed that everyone was so happy! A number of people expressed concern to me, but I ignored them. They just didn't see how happy we obviously were. Or maybe they could see beyond how happy we were. About half way through our engagement, his daughter started acting up. She would throw these fits that I couldn't believe. For no reason, she would just start screaming at the top of her lungs while crying and she wouldn't stop. I would ask my fiance why he wouldn't do anything about it and he said that he couldn't control her fits. By the time that our wedding day came I completely ignored her in the dressing room because she was just sitting there with this angry, pouty look on her face and I knew that she wouldn't let me do anything pretty with her hair. Her hair was down and messy for the wedding while the other flower girl had her hair up beautifully. Later I saw in the wedding video that she was making ugly faces during the whole ceremony.
The honeymoon came and went. It was nice, we had fun and the weather was great. We came back home and got into the routine of life. The very next weekend my new stepdaughter came to stay with us. She was rude to me the entire time. I was trying hard to be the good, happy stepmom. Anytime that I offered her something to eat or drink she would say that she wasn't hungry or thirsty. Then two seconds later, she would run to her father and ask him for the exact thing that I had just offered her. Whenever my husband's back was turned she was extremely rude to me and she magically turned into an angel when he was looking. If my husband and I were hugging or holding hands, she had to break us apart and hug him or hold his hand. If I was laying my head in his lap, she'd bat her little eyes and ask so sweetly if she could sit in daddy's lap.
Most every weekend that she came to visit us was the same story. She refused to do anything that I asked her or told her to do. She even broke something valuable of mine and lied about it. I was right there when she did it, but my husband told me that his daughter does not lie so I didn't even get an apology from her for breaking my valuable! She also started hitting me whenever she got the chance, she said that she was just playing but I didn't think that she was. One day she and I were playing a board game and she was cheating. I told her to stop and told her how to play the game the right way and she just started arguing with me and was in my face about it. I was about ready to get up and leave the room when my husband came in. I thought that he was going to tell her to stop it and be respectful of his wife, but what he did was scold me for "arguing with her" and basically told me that I was immature!
Things went like this for a long time. I was getting tired of trying so hard with a stepdaughter that was out to get me. I was getting tired of having my husband constantly defend and side with his daughter. I was tired of doing all the chores, all the cooking, everything that was tedious and boring while the two of them were watching tv, playing games, and doing other fun stuff. The typical schedule in the evening was for the two of them to sit in front of the tv while I went and cooked dinner. Then we'd all eat dinner and they would go back to the tv (without even clearing their plates) and I went to the kitchen cleaning up the mess from dinner listening to them laughing at the tv and each other. My husband even told me at one point that when she was with us that I had better not expect any affection from him because he was going to give it all to my stepdaughter. He said that if I wanted affection from him then I needed to be giving all my affection to her.
Needless to say, this was not my dream come true. My dream was that of a happy, loving family. I dreamed of a husband that delighted in me, not one who chose to ignore me when his daughter was around. My dream was that of the little girl who loved me when her dad and I were dating. My dream was to have my own children, not have my husband tell me that I was too immature to have children because he didn't think that I was a good enough mother to his daughter (who already has a mother who loves her). My dream was not for my husband to demand that I treat his daughter like a royal princess while he refused to see her treating me like a worthless servant. It seemed that my heart broke at every turn.
Somehow I had become the wicked stepmother. I found myself short-tempered, irritable, insanely jealous, angry, a ranting-raving-lunatic at times, and ready to give my stepdaughter in a one-way plane ticket for the middle of Antartica. I finally figured out why stepmothers have the reputation for being evil and wicked: their husbands and stepchildren turn them into wicked, evil stepmothers! When I got married, I had big dreams of us all being a happy family, but as each dream got crushed in my face I became the wicked stepmother of our household. Just seeing the two of them cuddling on couch together was enough to send me into a rage. I was insanely jealous of the fact that my husband would not treat me like a wife when she was around. How could he possibly expect good things to come from that decision? She was constantly "telling on me" and trying to get my husband to hate me. She was a devil-child to me but a complete angel to him. Because I couldn't control her or be a "good enough mother" to her I was told that I was too immature to have children of my own. I think that all of this would be enough to turn ANYONE into a wicked stepmother!!
Like I said at the beginning I am now a not-so-evil stepmother. My stepdaughter is respectful to me and usually likes to spend time with me. I am still somewhat evil and probably always will be. Stepmothers always represent a previous failed marriage and are a reminder that the children will never again be able to live in one house with both of their parents. I did not give birth to her nor did I have the chance to bond with her when she was an innocent little baby. I still have the hurts from when she was trying to tear my marriage apart because of her own insecurities. I realize now that all of her actions were pretty much normal and that she was fighting me not so much for me but for what I represented: never having her parents together again. Even though she was too young to remember them together, every child holds that dream. I also realize that she was as jealous of me as I became of her. She was jealous that she had to share her father with me and probably jealous that I was with him when she couldn't be. I was jealous that when she was around I had to back off and not get any affection from my own husband because he was giving all of his affection to this little child who was treating me like dirt. The relationship that I have with my stepdaughter is nothing like a parent-child relationship because no parent would have to deal with all of this. So, like I said earlier, this relationship is NOT like adopting a child. Being a stepparent is unlike anything else, there is no other relationship to compare it. It is also more expensive than adopting because child support costs are insane--more than 1/4 of my husband's entire income (pre-tax) goes to child support.
I have come a long way, even though I do admit to having a long way to go still. What you have just read is a very basic outline of my story. It is in no way the meat of the story. I have many stories to share about my experiences as a stepparent. I want to offer support and hope to other stepparents who are going through as much heartache and pain that I have gone through and still go through at times. My husband now says that he would like to have a child with me someday. This battle that we have had regarding having children together has been my biggest heartache and I will surely write much on that subject. I will also share my mistakes to be avoided and I will also share the things that I did right and my victories.
