Dealing with Your Anger Towards Your Husband's Ex
By the Moderators of Childless Stepmoms Chat
BM = biomom / husband's ex
SM = stepmom
DH = dear husband
Any marriage is difficult the first year. Both partners have to adjust to their new spouses and often times both are seeing previously unknown annoying habits in each other. Many people find that what was charming, intriguing, or even cute while dating is suddenly very irritating. It can be a time of fear, misunderstanding, and arguing. A lot of people are not equipped to deal with this which is why the divorce rate is so high in the early years of marriage.
Then you throw in stepchildren and their mother and things become far more than difficult! If the BM wants to work peaceably in the best interest of the children things should be fairly easy for the most part. Problems will still arise, but they will not be a constant thorn in the side of the marriage. Unfortunately, the BM may not interested in peace and can be very angry.
What is she so angry about? Perhaps she did not want the relationship with your DH to end. Maybe she is jealous of you—either for marrying DH or for being a parental figure in the children’s lives. She might feel out of control of her life and seek satisfaction by trying to control the lives of others. There are probably as many reasons for their anger as there are ex’s.
As a SM we can also have a great deal of anger and jealousy toward the BM. It's understandable to be jealous because this woman has a past with our man and she has also shared something with him that we have not if we are a CSM. It's also understandable to be angry as a result of the jealousy and also for the ways that she may be treating you personally or treating your DH or skids.
We can see why the SM-BM relationship can be so volatile. Jealousy and anger on both parts can be natural. The BM may be scared of losing her kids to you and doing whatever she can to maintain control in her own way. Maybe she's telling you how to wash their clothes, what foods to feed them, when to put them to bed, etc. It is frustrating to have someone telling you what to do, especially what to do in your own home.
The good news is that you don't have to give in to her demands. In your home you do things the way that you believe to be best, just as she does in her home. You may feel like you don't have any control, but you actually have more control than you think you do. You control everything that you do, think and feel. Yes, you do have control over your feelings, although it may take time to change the feelings.
You may have to remind yourself that hostility towards BM will not change her, it will only breed more negativity in you. So while she may do something that makes you very angry, dwelling on it for too long only continues your bad mood and has no effect on her at all. The sooner you can accept it as BM being herself, the sooner you can get past the incident and move on with making yourself happy.
Here are some tips on dealing with your anger toward the BM:
1.) Have a support system outside of your marriage (a counselor, pastor, or online support group cute wink ) where you can talk about the problems. Make sure whoever you choose is supportive of you, will keep a confidence, and will not be angry or hold a grudge against your DH or skids if you vent about them.
2.) Spend time talking with DH about how to deal with the BM. Usually it is good to do this after you have vented to your support. Some vindictive BMs have the goal of playing you and your DH against each other. Any fight or argument the two of you share about her is exactly what she is hoping for. Learning to cope and lean on each other, rather than dwelling on the injustice laid upon you, will strengthen your relationship and lessen her hold over it.
3.) Focus on the positive. This may sound like fluff, but focusing on the positive really does help—and you will find realistic solutions quicker that way! In other words: have an attitude of gratitude! Also, negativity begets negativity so the more you focus on the negative the more negative that you see and feel. Don't let her turn you into a negative person!
4.) Assume the best when it comes to motives. It probably feels like she is doing what she can just to ruin your life or make you miserable. That may not be the case, maybe she is simply being self-focused and is not even thinking about how it will affect you or your DH. Or perhaps she even thinks what she is doing is beneficial, but doesn't realise that it isn't. You never know what her motives are unless she tells you.
5.) As hard as it might be, try to put yourself in her shoes. You can probably see -- at least to a point -- why she is doing what she is doing. Is she afraid of losing her kids to you? Is she afraid that you are a better mom to them? Is she simply trying to get more time with her kids but is going about it all wrong? How would you honestly feel in her shoes?
6.) When dealing directly with the BM, focus on what is best for the children. Be willing to be flexible for the sake of the children, but walk away or hang up if the BM starts to harass or verbally abuse.
7.) Don't displace your anger at your DH onto the BM. The saying is true: we teach people how to treat us. If your DH continues to let himself be taken advantage of by BM, he's not an innocent victim. He's making a choice to give in to her constant demands...even if he claims to be victim! If this is your DH then you may need to help him grow a backbone and say no to BM, it would improve the situation a great deal. Help him out with courtesy and respect, if you yell at him and criticize him all the time he will just feel like both you and the BM are out to get him.
8.) Don't demand to know EVERYTHING. The problem with knowing everything is that you will get mad! You will be mad that DH gave in on something yet again, be mad at something BM said, be mad at something she did. No matter what it is, you can find a way to be mad about it! Ask yourself this: why do I always need to know everything if I'm just going to get mad about it anyway? You are screwing yourself! You are choosing to be stressed and angry. Feel free to tell your DH not to tell you anything related to BM unless it directly affects you. That takes BM out of your every day life, and puts her on the outskirts where she belongs. Soon you can hear her name, or can listen to what she said or did without flinching or getting that sinking "what does she want now" feeling.
9.) Don't take everything DH says as gospel. At some point you will discover some not so great things about DH that BM experienced and then some. DHs will always try to tell their truth, not the universal truth. People should realize that they enter into these relationships with their own "filters" so to speak. Just imagine how one of your ex-boyfriends might explain your past to a new girlfriend, you probably wouldn't come out in a good light, either!
If DH does nothing but badmouth BM and relate all the terrible things she did, you will automatically take his word as the truth, and it isn't always. Sometimes the DHs aren't always accurate as guides to what happened before. It's a good idea to try and head into it thinking positively as you can about BM (which will also help in not assuming or speculating about negative motives behind everything). Sometimes BM might just be contrary because DH ticks her off - not necessarily you. BM might get frustrated because she told DH something and he'd forget about it and then you might get mad because you think she didn't tell him but she did, he just forgot. Then she'd get mad because he didn't remember, and then you get mad that she got mad at him when all along it was DH's fault for forgetting in the first place!
BM = biomom / husband's ex
SM = stepmom
DH = dear husband
Any marriage is difficult the first year. Both partners have to adjust to their new spouses and often times both are seeing previously unknown annoying habits in each other. Many people find that what was charming, intriguing, or even cute while dating is suddenly very irritating. It can be a time of fear, misunderstanding, and arguing. A lot of people are not equipped to deal with this which is why the divorce rate is so high in the early years of marriage.
Then you throw in stepchildren and their mother and things become far more than difficult! If the BM wants to work peaceably in the best interest of the children things should be fairly easy for the most part. Problems will still arise, but they will not be a constant thorn in the side of the marriage. Unfortunately, the BM may not interested in peace and can be very angry.
What is she so angry about? Perhaps she did not want the relationship with your DH to end. Maybe she is jealous of you—either for marrying DH or for being a parental figure in the children’s lives. She might feel out of control of her life and seek satisfaction by trying to control the lives of others. There are probably as many reasons for their anger as there are ex’s.
As a SM we can also have a great deal of anger and jealousy toward the BM. It's understandable to be jealous because this woman has a past with our man and she has also shared something with him that we have not if we are a CSM. It's also understandable to be angry as a result of the jealousy and also for the ways that she may be treating you personally or treating your DH or skids.
We can see why the SM-BM relationship can be so volatile. Jealousy and anger on both parts can be natural. The BM may be scared of losing her kids to you and doing whatever she can to maintain control in her own way. Maybe she's telling you how to wash their clothes, what foods to feed them, when to put them to bed, etc. It is frustrating to have someone telling you what to do, especially what to do in your own home.
The good news is that you don't have to give in to her demands. In your home you do things the way that you believe to be best, just as she does in her home. You may feel like you don't have any control, but you actually have more control than you think you do. You control everything that you do, think and feel. Yes, you do have control over your feelings, although it may take time to change the feelings.
You may have to remind yourself that hostility towards BM will not change her, it will only breed more negativity in you. So while she may do something that makes you very angry, dwelling on it for too long only continues your bad mood and has no effect on her at all. The sooner you can accept it as BM being herself, the sooner you can get past the incident and move on with making yourself happy.
Here are some tips on dealing with your anger toward the BM:
1.) Have a support system outside of your marriage (a counselor, pastor, or online support group cute wink ) where you can talk about the problems. Make sure whoever you choose is supportive of you, will keep a confidence, and will not be angry or hold a grudge against your DH or skids if you vent about them.
2.) Spend time talking with DH about how to deal with the BM. Usually it is good to do this after you have vented to your support. Some vindictive BMs have the goal of playing you and your DH against each other. Any fight or argument the two of you share about her is exactly what she is hoping for. Learning to cope and lean on each other, rather than dwelling on the injustice laid upon you, will strengthen your relationship and lessen her hold over it.
3.) Focus on the positive. This may sound like fluff, but focusing on the positive really does help—and you will find realistic solutions quicker that way! In other words: have an attitude of gratitude! Also, negativity begets negativity so the more you focus on the negative the more negative that you see and feel. Don't let her turn you into a negative person!
4.) Assume the best when it comes to motives. It probably feels like she is doing what she can just to ruin your life or make you miserable. That may not be the case, maybe she is simply being self-focused and is not even thinking about how it will affect you or your DH. Or perhaps she even thinks what she is doing is beneficial, but doesn't realise that it isn't. You never know what her motives are unless she tells you.
5.) As hard as it might be, try to put yourself in her shoes. You can probably see -- at least to a point -- why she is doing what she is doing. Is she afraid of losing her kids to you? Is she afraid that you are a better mom to them? Is she simply trying to get more time with her kids but is going about it all wrong? How would you honestly feel in her shoes?
6.) When dealing directly with the BM, focus on what is best for the children. Be willing to be flexible for the sake of the children, but walk away or hang up if the BM starts to harass or verbally abuse.
7.) Don't displace your anger at your DH onto the BM. The saying is true: we teach people how to treat us. If your DH continues to let himself be taken advantage of by BM, he's not an innocent victim. He's making a choice to give in to her constant demands...even if he claims to be victim! If this is your DH then you may need to help him grow a backbone and say no to BM, it would improve the situation a great deal. Help him out with courtesy and respect, if you yell at him and criticize him all the time he will just feel like both you and the BM are out to get him.
8.) Don't demand to know EVERYTHING. The problem with knowing everything is that you will get mad! You will be mad that DH gave in on something yet again, be mad at something BM said, be mad at something she did. No matter what it is, you can find a way to be mad about it! Ask yourself this: why do I always need to know everything if I'm just going to get mad about it anyway? You are screwing yourself! You are choosing to be stressed and angry. Feel free to tell your DH not to tell you anything related to BM unless it directly affects you. That takes BM out of your every day life, and puts her on the outskirts where she belongs. Soon you can hear her name, or can listen to what she said or did without flinching or getting that sinking "what does she want now" feeling.
9.) Don't take everything DH says as gospel. At some point you will discover some not so great things about DH that BM experienced and then some. DHs will always try to tell their truth, not the universal truth. People should realize that they enter into these relationships with their own "filters" so to speak. Just imagine how one of your ex-boyfriends might explain your past to a new girlfriend, you probably wouldn't come out in a good light, either!
If DH does nothing but badmouth BM and relate all the terrible things she did, you will automatically take his word as the truth, and it isn't always. Sometimes the DHs aren't always accurate as guides to what happened before. It's a good idea to try and head into it thinking positively as you can about BM (which will also help in not assuming or speculating about negative motives behind everything). Sometimes BM might just be contrary because DH ticks her off - not necessarily you. BM might get frustrated because she told DH something and he'd forget about it and then you might get mad because you think she didn't tell him but she did, he just forgot. Then she'd get mad because he didn't remember, and then you get mad that she got mad at him when all along it was DH's fault for forgetting in the first place!
