If you are a stepparent to a stepchild the same gender as you, you know the struggles of getting your stepchild to accept the fact that he or she is not the man or woman of the house anymore. You are dealing with a child who is used to being the man or woman of the house and who is NOT excited about handing that position over to you. In fact the chances are good that this child is fighting you for not only that role but for the primary love and affection of your spouse. One stepmom referred to this as "dethroning the queen" and I had to laugh when I heard that because I had never heard it defined so well! That is exactly what we are doing when we find ourselves in that position. This is nothing new to families. Freud had observed this behavior in little boys and girls towards their own biological parents many years ago. He called it the "Oedipus Complex" and the "Electra Complex" referring to ancient stories of a young man killing his father and marrying his mother and a similar story of a young woman. If children fight their own biological parents how much more do they fight their stepparents who they have no biological or emotional ties to!

It is extremely disheartning to the stepparent who finds themselves with a stepchild who is doing everything in his or her power to bring down the stepparent. I personally did not see it coming and had no idea what was going on or why. Before I married my husband his little girl adored me and constantly asked us when we were going to get married. But as soon as we did get married everything changed! She tested me to find out what my hot buttons were and she pushed those hot buttons every chance that she got. She would not do anything that I said and she was very rude and mean to me. Then when my husband was looking she turned into a little angel.

These kids are very good at hiding what they are doing from their biological parents. They are trying to win the approval, love and affection of your spouse while trying to get rid of you. My husband could not understand why I had so many complaints about his little angel, he honestly thought that *I* was out to get *her*! This of course only made things easier for my stepdaughter and made her try even harder since she was having such success. The harder I tried to show my husband what was really going on, the harder she tried at acting the part of the innocent little angel. It just made me look like a jerk, my husband did not understand why I, an adult, was acting so immature and was "jealous" of a child.

I did everything wrong. I can't think of a thing that I did right back then regarding this step-electra-complex that I was dealing with. I yelled at her...which only made her go running to daddy saying, "She's yelling at me! She's so mean! I didn't do anything, daddy, honest! [Tears start to well up.] Why does she hate me, daddy?" I demanded that my husband punish her for being rude to me/for not listening to me/for whatever. He hadn't seen any of it, all he had seen was his daughter acting like a little angel and kissing his patootie. How could he punish her when she hadn't done anything wrong? I got so frustrated and angry that I actually threw fits over the whole situation, which did nothing to show my husband that I in fact was not the one with the problem. I even got sucked into her stupid little games and started acting at her level. It's embarrassing, but it's the truth. I've talked to many other stepparents who have gone through this and most of them admit to much of what I have just admitted.

It's amazing how we allow these *children* to influence us so much! How they can take a rational adult and turn us into a screaming lunatic. But honestly, they only have that power over us because we allow it. For some reason we feel that because we are not a biological parent we have no power to put a stop to any of this. But if any of us had a neice or nephew in our home acting like that we would not even think twice about putting them in their place. There is something about being a stepparent that makes most of us insecure in ways that we never imagined.

We don't have the power to change another person, but we do have the power to change our circumstances to some degree and we definitely have the power to change ourselves! We do not have to allow ourselves to be ruled by the little king or queen. We *can* dethrone them. We can do it without being mean and harsh. We can do it and have a rewarding relationship with the king or queen and our spouse. I was able to do it and so can you. Here are some ideas to get you started...

1.) Remember that you are the adult and your stepchild is the child. Even if your spouse does not yet support you in disciplining your stepchild you can still do a lot to protect yourself from going crazy. When your stepchild does things that start to push your buttons, say something like: I do not let people treat me this way. If you keep this up, you will need to go play in your room by yourself until you calm down and/or I will need to go spend some time by myself until you can calm down.

2.) Your stepchild is sure to want some things from you. Maybe he needs you to drive him somewhere. Perhaps she wants you take her shopping for a new pair of shoes that she needs. You can tell him or her that you would be happy to do those things for them, but that you need to be respected first. Give examples of what they have been doing and tell them what you need them to do to feel respected.

3.) When you talk to your spouse about what is going on make sure that you are of sound mind. If you start whining or yelling or crying he will likely believe that you are overreacting to the situation and you won't get the help or understanding that you want. You may need to talk with a friend or counselor before talking with your spouse so that you can sort your feelings (vent to them, not your spouse) and they can help you find the best way to say what you need to say to your spouse. You will also want to say positive things about your stepchild so that your spouse doesn't feel like you are attacking his or her child. If your spouse thinks you are attacking his child he won't hear what you have to say and they will go into protection mode.

4.) When your stepchild is acting out towards you, tell them that you love their father/mother very much and that you are not going to be leaving. Tell them that your spouse has enough love in his or her heart to love the both of you and that there is no need to fight for his love and affection. Tell them that you would rather be friends (with your stepchild) than to be enemies. Reassure them that you are not the enemy but that you are there as an extra person in his or her life to love them if they will let you.

5.) Give it some time. Your stepchild has been the king or queen for quite some time and has probably grown to like that position! If you can be patient and understanding of what your stepchild is going through it will honestly make the process a lot easier on everyone. I know that it is hard on you, but it is also an adjustment for your stepchild. I'm not saying to let them get away with murder but to give them time to adjust. You will be the king or queen of your home in time, but it's up to you if the process is easier or harder.

6.) This one may be the most important point: Don't take everything personally! It's so important that I want to repeat myself: don't take everything personally! What your stepchild is doing is not in response to you as a person. The child is mourning some losses...mourning not having daddy all to herself, mourning the loss of being queen. It's an adjustment and kids aren't able to sit down and say to themselves, "I am feeling sad because I have to share daddy," or "I am angry that I can't be the man of the house anymore." They just act out on feelings that they don't understand. If you can truly understand that then the way that you respond to the little king or queen will actually diffuse the situation instead of making it worse.

It is very hard to be in this situation. It is very hard to be the adult in such a situation, but it is really the only way to make the situation better. I can't guarantee that all of my suggestions will make all of your problems go away because they probably won't. But they will make the situation smoother and make things better in the short and long run. Understanding that it's not about you as a person will make a huge difference in how you react. How you react will make a huge difference in how the stepchild acts toward you in the future. How you react will also make a huge difference in how your spouse sees the situation. If he sees you acting in a mature manner and doesn't think that you are out to get his kids he will be far more likely to listen to what you have to say and support you in dethroning the king or queen to the rightful position of prince or princess.

I have been on both sides: reacting immaturely and reacting maturely. Reacting maturely is much more difficult but the benefits are beyond words. Some call it taking the high road. Call it whatever you would like, just give it a try and see if it doesn't help your situation!