Disengaging Made Easy
How was I able to change not only my husband's behavior, but also my stepdaughter's? How was I able to bring peace to my life and even the entire household? How did I ever get my stepdaughter's respect? I stopped parenting her and let my husband do the parenting as he saw fit...even though I really disagreed with much of his parenting and/or lack of it.
The key to quitting parenting is to be consistent! I didn't not parent her one day and then parent her the next. Once I made the decision, I quit parenting her (disengaging). Yes, there were many weekends where she went back to her mom's without bathing or brushing her teeth all weekend. You know what? It didn't kill her! She is still alive and healthy to this day--and amazingly has never had a cavity! Actually it got to the point where their lawyers had to draw up some paperwork to make it legally binding that she gets bathed each weekend that she is here! So, just because you stop parenting does not mean that your spouse will start parenting right away!
Here is a list of what I quit doing when I quit parenting my stepdaughter:
1. Making sure that she brushes her teeth and hair
2. Making sure that her underwear gets changed
3. Making sure that she gets bathed
4. Correcting her behavior
5. Telling my husband to correct her behavior
6. Making sure that she gets to bed at a reasonable hour
7. Making sure that we meet her mother on time (why should *I* be the one who stresses out over our being late to meet her??)
8. Making special meals for her ultra-picky tastes
9. Buying clothes for her when I'm out shopping
10. Taking her when I run errands
11. Anything else that fell under "parenting"
My husband was forced to step up to the plate and start parenting--which he did! Also both of them quit resenting me for being the evil person who enforced the rules that neither of them wanted in the first place! Remind yourself: not my kid, not my problem! Your actions will speak volumes that your words never will.
What...it sounds like shutting your mouth brought those results? Yes, and it has been one of the hardest things that I have done! I remember times thinking that I would physically explode any second because I was willing myself to keep my mouth shut! I wanted to shout at my stepdaughter's unruly, rude, and socially unacceptable behavior. I wanted to shout at my husband for letting it go on...and on and on and on...
First, let me explain something. Even though it doesn't seem like it: our husbands actually find relief when we parent their children! What? Relief? Am I crazy?? They yell at us and call us mean and act like they resent us--how is that relief? It's relief because they don't have to be the bad guy parenting their kids--we are being the bad guy--which makes them the good guy AND their kids' behavior is getting dealt with! What a great situation for them because they also get to call us mean and further glorify their good guy position. We have placed them exactly where the want to be--but would never admit it!
Once we stepmoms are no longer expecting their children to act like civilized human beings we throw them all off kilter. They start to see their kids for what they really are. Rude, messy, manipulative little brats. (I'm not saying all stepkids are this way, but if you're reading this, yours probably are.) And nobody is doing anything about it...what's going on? Their behavior is getting worse because nobody is doing anything about it and our husbands finally have to figure it out that they need to act like a parent or they will be miserable because of their kids.
But...IT WORKS!
My life today is like daytime whereas a year and a half ago it was like night. I don't know why I ever wasted my time and energy fighting with my stepdaughter to get her underwear changed, get her teeth brushed, her hair brushed, her pajamas on, into bed, eating healthy foods, whatever. I now have none of those fights or issues, my husband either takes care of those issues or he doesn't. I usually don't bother to pay attention. At this point in time (now that he has consistently parented my stepdaughter for a long time) if one of them asks me nicely to help her with something like that I am happy to help. But, if it becomes a fight, my husband can take care of it.
On another note that might encourage you: my relationship with my stepdaughter has improved SO MUCH since I quit parenting her. It didn't happen overnight (neither did my husband's parenting) but over time as I was no longer "critical" of my stepdaughter we were able to slowly form a relationship where we do enjoy each other now. The last time that we had her here, she and I actually had a blast together! That was really a fun, fun time for both of us.
What I have learned is that we stepparents can bond with our stepkids, but we need to let it come naturally. In a relationship with a biokid, the parent starts out bonding with the baby and then after the bond is built the parent disciplines the child as needed. For many stepparents, we find ourselves with these rude, screaming little kids who are far from the innocent babies that their parent's bonded with. Our first response is to discipline them because we have not yet bonded with them and their behavior is driving us nuts! Once the stepkids see that we are not out to get them (which because we lack the bonding is how they see our attempts at discipline) they will be more likely to open their hearts to us and allow time for bonding. Once bonding has taken place, they will actually listen to us when we try to guide or discipline them!
My stepdaughter now wants to spend time with me. She gives me hugs without me giving them to her first. She has recently started asking me permission to do stuff if my husband isn't right there! If I tell her not to do something, she actually listens to me most of the time (what kid listens ALL the time?) Like I said earlier, we've even grown to the point where we have had fun times together. A year and a half ago before I quit parenting her, I would have never dreamed that I could ever write this paragraph!
It's very, very hard. But, if you are patient and consistent in letting your husband parent his kids, I really believe that it will pay off in the end!
The key to quitting parenting is to be consistent! I didn't not parent her one day and then parent her the next. Once I made the decision, I quit parenting her (disengaging). Yes, there were many weekends where she went back to her mom's without bathing or brushing her teeth all weekend. You know what? It didn't kill her! She is still alive and healthy to this day--and amazingly has never had a cavity! Actually it got to the point where their lawyers had to draw up some paperwork to make it legally binding that she gets bathed each weekend that she is here! So, just because you stop parenting does not mean that your spouse will start parenting right away!
Here is a list of what I quit doing when I quit parenting my stepdaughter:
1. Making sure that she brushes her teeth and hair
2. Making sure that her underwear gets changed
3. Making sure that she gets bathed
4. Correcting her behavior
5. Telling my husband to correct her behavior
6. Making sure that she gets to bed at a reasonable hour
7. Making sure that we meet her mother on time (why should *I* be the one who stresses out over our being late to meet her??)
8. Making special meals for her ultra-picky tastes
9. Buying clothes for her when I'm out shopping
10. Taking her when I run errands
11. Anything else that fell under "parenting"
My husband was forced to step up to the plate and start parenting--which he did! Also both of them quit resenting me for being the evil person who enforced the rules that neither of them wanted in the first place! Remind yourself: not my kid, not my problem! Your actions will speak volumes that your words never will.
What...it sounds like shutting your mouth brought those results? Yes, and it has been one of the hardest things that I have done! I remember times thinking that I would physically explode any second because I was willing myself to keep my mouth shut! I wanted to shout at my stepdaughter's unruly, rude, and socially unacceptable behavior. I wanted to shout at my husband for letting it go on...and on and on and on...
First, let me explain something. Even though it doesn't seem like it: our husbands actually find relief when we parent their children! What? Relief? Am I crazy?? They yell at us and call us mean and act like they resent us--how is that relief? It's relief because they don't have to be the bad guy parenting their kids--we are being the bad guy--which makes them the good guy AND their kids' behavior is getting dealt with! What a great situation for them because they also get to call us mean and further glorify their good guy position. We have placed them exactly where the want to be--but would never admit it!
Once we stepmoms are no longer expecting their children to act like civilized human beings we throw them all off kilter. They start to see their kids for what they really are. Rude, messy, manipulative little brats. (I'm not saying all stepkids are this way, but if you're reading this, yours probably are.) And nobody is doing anything about it...what's going on? Their behavior is getting worse because nobody is doing anything about it and our husbands finally have to figure it out that they need to act like a parent or they will be miserable because of their kids.
But...IT WORKS!
My life today is like daytime whereas a year and a half ago it was like night. I don't know why I ever wasted my time and energy fighting with my stepdaughter to get her underwear changed, get her teeth brushed, her hair brushed, her pajamas on, into bed, eating healthy foods, whatever. I now have none of those fights or issues, my husband either takes care of those issues or he doesn't. I usually don't bother to pay attention. At this point in time (now that he has consistently parented my stepdaughter for a long time) if one of them asks me nicely to help her with something like that I am happy to help. But, if it becomes a fight, my husband can take care of it.
On another note that might encourage you: my relationship with my stepdaughter has improved SO MUCH since I quit parenting her. It didn't happen overnight (neither did my husband's parenting) but over time as I was no longer "critical" of my stepdaughter we were able to slowly form a relationship where we do enjoy each other now. The last time that we had her here, she and I actually had a blast together! That was really a fun, fun time for both of us.
What I have learned is that we stepparents can bond with our stepkids, but we need to let it come naturally. In a relationship with a biokid, the parent starts out bonding with the baby and then after the bond is built the parent disciplines the child as needed. For many stepparents, we find ourselves with these rude, screaming little kids who are far from the innocent babies that their parent's bonded with. Our first response is to discipline them because we have not yet bonded with them and their behavior is driving us nuts! Once the stepkids see that we are not out to get them (which because we lack the bonding is how they see our attempts at discipline) they will be more likely to open their hearts to us and allow time for bonding. Once bonding has taken place, they will actually listen to us when we try to guide or discipline them!
My stepdaughter now wants to spend time with me. She gives me hugs without me giving them to her first. She has recently started asking me permission to do stuff if my husband isn't right there! If I tell her not to do something, she actually listens to me most of the time (what kid listens ALL the time?) Like I said earlier, we've even grown to the point where we have had fun times together. A year and a half ago before I quit parenting her, I would have never dreamed that I could ever write this paragraph!
It's very, very hard. But, if you are patient and consistent in letting your husband parent his kids, I really believe that it will pay off in the end!
