Memoirs of a Disney Widow
You have heard of the term "golf widow" or "football widow" referring to a wife who gets ignored by her husband during the season of his favorite sport. Well my husband is not much into sports like that but he has left me as a different kind of "widow" -- a Disney Widow! No, he doesn't run off to Disney Land without me or watch movies for hours on end. He is what is called a "Disney Dad" meaning that when his child (my stepdaughter) is around he wants to turn our home into Disney Land for her. He wants it be nothing but fun, fun, fun...everything needs to revolve around her happiness as far as he is concerned. He has even gone as far as to say, "We are going to turn this house into Disney Land!" on quite a few occasions. So when she is visiting us that is "stepdaughter season" and I become the Disney Widow. It wasn't this way when we were dating. When we were dating he saw even less of me than he did his daughter. He paid special attention to me and actually disciplined her when she acted up. But, after we were married I discovered that he disciplined her only when other people were around and then when those people left, he apologized to her for disciplining her. I've seen it happen many times. I was appalled and outraged to find this out after we were married. I felt like I had been lied to. When we were dating I should have been more alarmed at the fact that he would not leave her with a sitter or his parents even once when we had a "date" -- most of our dates included his daughter since he has her almost every single weekend. I wish I would have known that it was a small indication of things to come. If you are not married yet, know that what you do while dating is setting the groundwork for what marriage will be like.
After we got married, everything ended up revolving around my stepdaughter and what she wanted and what she was feeling and what she said. If she and I ever had a disagreement, or she was disrespectful of me my husband always sided with her and never once expected her to be respectful of me. Whenever we were all out together, whether it be a movie, a sporting event, or dinner out she ALWAYS had to sit by him. So, if we were sitting at a movie or a game, she was in between us instead of me on one side of him and her on the other. If we were out to dinner it was the two of them sitting side by side and me sitting opposite them. Every single time. He would get very angry at me if I suggested that she wasn't in the center. She would never let him and I walk holding hands, she'd break our hands apart and hold his hand...and he would let her get away with it. He'd get mad at me for saying anything, because I was just trying to separate the two of them! She was always manipulating things to make me look bad, I never saw it coming and I always looked like the bad guy to him whenever she was concocting something. He fell for it every time, hook line and sinker. Anything to make her happy and "secure". Even putting our marriage on the line.
It didn't take long at all to feel resentment at being pushed to the back burner when she came around -- every weekend. He told me that the most important thing was that she was happy and that we would only focus on her having fun when she was around. He would get mad at me for having needs and bringing them up on the weekends. He didn't think that I should be resentful of being dropped from wife to servant while his little princess had full rule of the house during the weekends. What she said went, no questions asked. I can remember numerous times that we made plans to go out and do something fun (like go to the zoo or see a certain movie, for example) and then when we told her about she said that she didn't want to do it. I was looking forward to going, but he said that we would not go because she didn't want to go.
A lot of the time it felt like he was flaunting how well he was treating her while he was treating me so poorly. I wished he would love me and to treat me as well as he would want to be treated or as well as he treats his daughter. If he ever got upset with her he is always quick to apologize and if she ever cried he would hug her and reassure her of his love for her! So many times when I would start crying when his daughter was with us he would yell at me and accuse me of trying to take his time away from her. I really wanted for us to be like a family and not to always feel like I was getting the short end of the stick whenever she was with us.
I was tired of doing all the chores, all the cooking, everything that was tedious and boring while the two of them were watching TV, playing games, and doing other fun stuff. Doesn't that sound like Disney Land, having fun while the "workers" do all the work! The typical schedule in the evenings were for the two of them to sit in front of the TV while I cooked dinner. Then we'd all eat dinner and they would go back to the TV (without even clearing their plates) and I went to the kitchen cleaning up the mess from dinner listening to them laughing at the TV and each other.
My husband even told me at one point that when she was with us that I had better not expect any affection from him because he was going to give it all to my stepdaughter. He said that if I wanted affection from him then I needed to be giving all my affection to her and that after that he might give me affection.
I found myself short-tempered, irritable, insanely jealous, angry, a ranting-raving-lunatic at times. When I got married, I had big dreams of us all being a happy family. After dealing with the disney parenting, just seeing the two of them cuddling on couch together was enough to send me into a rage. I was insanely jealous of the fact that my husband would not treat me like a wife when she was around. She was constantly "telling on me" and trying to get my husband to hate me. She was rude to me but a complete angel when he was watching. Because I couldn't control her or be a "good enough mother" to her I was told that I was too immature to have children of my own. I always felt like he didn't love me and he was certainly always putting his daughter before the marriage or the entire family unit and then throwing it in my face that he loved her more than me.
I was insecure to begin with just being in a blended family but then you throw in all the disney parenting and I was about as insecure as a person could get. I needed his love and affection desperately...but he had nothing left to give. He was so worn out from giving it all to his daughter on the weekends. I was so often the one ignored, the one having to fight for my rights, getting forgotten, expected to bow at every wish and whim of his child.
My entire life felt out of control, anyone who's life is being run by a young child would feel out of control. Children are too immature to understand what is best for them, much less what is best for a family. Which is why parents are supposed to be there to guide their children, children are self-focused and live only for the moment. They see only what is in front of them and nothing else. My husband obviously didn't have a problem living this way, he actually seemed to enjoy it -- and why not? Everything that he did made his daughter happy with him and every day he became her hero more and more. All the while I was doing all the cooking and cleaning -- not to mention the disciplining. He got to console her after I was "mean" and made her brush her teeth or take a bath. It wasn't just Disney Land for her, it was also Disney Land for him as well!
I was going crazy and wasn't sure that my marriage could survive this -- I wasn't sure that I could survive this! It was just too much to bear and it really wasn't fair for my husband to be treating me this way. I wanted to get help and I tried many things including counseling, reading books on stepparenting and even counseling. None of those helped me out and he didn't want to listen to anything that any counselor had to say. He was convinced that all the problems were really my problems because other than having to deal with my "attitudes" he and my stepdaughter were quite happy. I eventually found some support online and learned about disengaging -- in other words setting boundaries for myself so that I would no longer be taken advantage of in my family.
Things have improved dramatically over time and I can deal with the disney parenting when it comes without losing my cool. I learned how to stop taking everything personally, that he was not intentionally ignoring my needs during stepdaughter season. I have had to set my own boundaries in order to make sure that I was not being taken advantage of. I would not cook and clean after them while they did nothing, I stopped cooking and cleaning until the house was a complete disaster. We had a huge discussion about that and he did start to help out. I stopped hanging around the two of them every weekend, I started making plans with friends and getting my needs met that way. Eventually they started to miss me and if they wanted me around they needed let me be a part of things. I started spending more time with them as they started giving me respect as an equal member of the family. I bought as many books on Boundaries as I could and read the disengaging essay many times so that I could set the appropriate boundaries.
If you are a Disney Widow as I was, there is hope. You can help to change things and get the respect that you deserve. You probably won't be able to stop your spouse completely from being a disney parent, but you can stop him or her from turning you into a Disney Widow. Start setting boundaries for yourself and stop letting everyone walk all over you, people will only treat you as badly as you let them. That was a hard lesson for me to learn, but it has helped me out so much!
After we got married, everything ended up revolving around my stepdaughter and what she wanted and what she was feeling and what she said. If she and I ever had a disagreement, or she was disrespectful of me my husband always sided with her and never once expected her to be respectful of me. Whenever we were all out together, whether it be a movie, a sporting event, or dinner out she ALWAYS had to sit by him. So, if we were sitting at a movie or a game, she was in between us instead of me on one side of him and her on the other. If we were out to dinner it was the two of them sitting side by side and me sitting opposite them. Every single time. He would get very angry at me if I suggested that she wasn't in the center. She would never let him and I walk holding hands, she'd break our hands apart and hold his hand...and he would let her get away with it. He'd get mad at me for saying anything, because I was just trying to separate the two of them! She was always manipulating things to make me look bad, I never saw it coming and I always looked like the bad guy to him whenever she was concocting something. He fell for it every time, hook line and sinker. Anything to make her happy and "secure". Even putting our marriage on the line.
It didn't take long at all to feel resentment at being pushed to the back burner when she came around -- every weekend. He told me that the most important thing was that she was happy and that we would only focus on her having fun when she was around. He would get mad at me for having needs and bringing them up on the weekends. He didn't think that I should be resentful of being dropped from wife to servant while his little princess had full rule of the house during the weekends. What she said went, no questions asked. I can remember numerous times that we made plans to go out and do something fun (like go to the zoo or see a certain movie, for example) and then when we told her about she said that she didn't want to do it. I was looking forward to going, but he said that we would not go because she didn't want to go.
A lot of the time it felt like he was flaunting how well he was treating her while he was treating me so poorly. I wished he would love me and to treat me as well as he would want to be treated or as well as he treats his daughter. If he ever got upset with her he is always quick to apologize and if she ever cried he would hug her and reassure her of his love for her! So many times when I would start crying when his daughter was with us he would yell at me and accuse me of trying to take his time away from her. I really wanted for us to be like a family and not to always feel like I was getting the short end of the stick whenever she was with us.
I was tired of doing all the chores, all the cooking, everything that was tedious and boring while the two of them were watching TV, playing games, and doing other fun stuff. Doesn't that sound like Disney Land, having fun while the "workers" do all the work! The typical schedule in the evenings were for the two of them to sit in front of the TV while I cooked dinner. Then we'd all eat dinner and they would go back to the TV (without even clearing their plates) and I went to the kitchen cleaning up the mess from dinner listening to them laughing at the TV and each other.
My husband even told me at one point that when she was with us that I had better not expect any affection from him because he was going to give it all to my stepdaughter. He said that if I wanted affection from him then I needed to be giving all my affection to her and that after that he might give me affection.
I found myself short-tempered, irritable, insanely jealous, angry, a ranting-raving-lunatic at times. When I got married, I had big dreams of us all being a happy family. After dealing with the disney parenting, just seeing the two of them cuddling on couch together was enough to send me into a rage. I was insanely jealous of the fact that my husband would not treat me like a wife when she was around. She was constantly "telling on me" and trying to get my husband to hate me. She was rude to me but a complete angel when he was watching. Because I couldn't control her or be a "good enough mother" to her I was told that I was too immature to have children of my own. I always felt like he didn't love me and he was certainly always putting his daughter before the marriage or the entire family unit and then throwing it in my face that he loved her more than me.
I was insecure to begin with just being in a blended family but then you throw in all the disney parenting and I was about as insecure as a person could get. I needed his love and affection desperately...but he had nothing left to give. He was so worn out from giving it all to his daughter on the weekends. I was so often the one ignored, the one having to fight for my rights, getting forgotten, expected to bow at every wish and whim of his child.
My entire life felt out of control, anyone who's life is being run by a young child would feel out of control. Children are too immature to understand what is best for them, much less what is best for a family. Which is why parents are supposed to be there to guide their children, children are self-focused and live only for the moment. They see only what is in front of them and nothing else. My husband obviously didn't have a problem living this way, he actually seemed to enjoy it -- and why not? Everything that he did made his daughter happy with him and every day he became her hero more and more. All the while I was doing all the cooking and cleaning -- not to mention the disciplining. He got to console her after I was "mean" and made her brush her teeth or take a bath. It wasn't just Disney Land for her, it was also Disney Land for him as well!
I was going crazy and wasn't sure that my marriage could survive this -- I wasn't sure that I could survive this! It was just too much to bear and it really wasn't fair for my husband to be treating me this way. I wanted to get help and I tried many things including counseling, reading books on stepparenting and even counseling. None of those helped me out and he didn't want to listen to anything that any counselor had to say. He was convinced that all the problems were really my problems because other than having to deal with my "attitudes" he and my stepdaughter were quite happy. I eventually found some support online and learned about disengaging -- in other words setting boundaries for myself so that I would no longer be taken advantage of in my family.
Things have improved dramatically over time and I can deal with the disney parenting when it comes without losing my cool. I learned how to stop taking everything personally, that he was not intentionally ignoring my needs during stepdaughter season. I have had to set my own boundaries in order to make sure that I was not being taken advantage of. I would not cook and clean after them while they did nothing, I stopped cooking and cleaning until the house was a complete disaster. We had a huge discussion about that and he did start to help out. I stopped hanging around the two of them every weekend, I started making plans with friends and getting my needs met that way. Eventually they started to miss me and if they wanted me around they needed let me be a part of things. I started spending more time with them as they started giving me respect as an equal member of the family. I bought as many books on Boundaries as I could and read the disengaging essay many times so that I could set the appropriate boundaries.
If you are a Disney Widow as I was, there is hope. You can help to change things and get the respect that you deserve. You probably won't be able to stop your spouse completely from being a disney parent, but you can stop him or her from turning you into a Disney Widow. Start setting boundaries for yourself and stop letting everyone walk all over you, people will only treat you as badly as you let them. That was a hard lesson for me to learn, but it has helped me out so much!
