Can an Ex-Wife and Stepmom be Friends?
Can a stepmom and ex-wife be friends? That's a loaded question because when you think about it the two are probably the most natural born enemies on the planet -- arguably more so than cats and dogs! They can be threatened by each other, they can be afraid of what the other will do to her life, they may hate each other, they surely wish the other wasn't there. Granted, this isn't always the case but it seems to be the nature of the beast.
One stepmom shares how she feels about the ex-wife in her life: At first I was intrigued by her, I was very curious about this woman that my (then) fiance had married and had a child with. I wanted her to be fat and ugly, I didn't want her to be any kind of a threat. She was very nice to me and certainly acted like she was a fabulous mother to her children in front of me. I thought that we could be friends and I even wanted her to like me. As soon as my husband and I got married his ex started making all these threats (like he wouldn't see his children if he allowed them to spend time with me) and demanding far more money than he is required to pay by the courts. I soon was feeling resentment and hatred for this woman, I felt like she was trying to ruin my life and my marriage. She would call our house at all hours of the day and night and have long conversations with my husband -- all "for the kids" and he was a good dad so he went along with it "for the kids". I was jealous of her monopolizing his time, taking OUR money, changing the schedule so that we could never make plans. Basically I hated her because of the control that she had over my life and my family. What she said went and she had more say in so many things than I did. She criticized everything that I did: the kids laundry, the way that I talked to the kids, the way that I cooked, you name it. I was also jealous of the bond that she shares with my husband that I don't: the long history, being parents together, etc. I wanted her out my life, I wished her to come to an early end, I hated her. She was definitely my enemy, no doubt about that.
One ex-wife shares how she feels about the stepmom of her kids: I felt mixed emotions when I found out that my ex was dating again. I was relieved that he was finally moving on since I was already remarried, but I was also a little jealous that someone else was in his life. He hadn't dated anyone since our breakup and although I had moved on with my life it definitely stung a little. I wanted to put on my best face when I first met her, I was nervous I didn't know what to expect. It's not every day that you're introduced to your former love's new love. She seemed nice, we were polite to each other and got along. As things started to get more seroius between the two of them I started to have concerns, I wanted to know more about this person who was spending so much time with my kids. I asked a lot of questions to my kids and to my ex and I even asked her a lot of questions to find out more about her. I was starting to like her less, I didn't like the way that she dressed I was afraid that my daughter would want to dress like her. The kids said that she was a good cook and I felt hurt as if her being a good cook made me a bad one. I didn't want her to try to replace me in their lives, they are MY kids not hers and I told them often that she isn't their mom. My protective mothering instincts had fully kicked in and I was going to protect my children from that woman if it cost me my life. It ripped me apart to see my kids going with her on the weekends and holidays, I felt out of control and scared. She started to turn into the enemy, I resented her being my kids lives and acting like a mom when they were with her. What made everything even worse is that my ex and I had a schedule and a way of doing things that was working great for us and the kids, but suddenly he was demanding more time and wouldn't pay for a lot of things that he agreed to beforehand. I could even hear her telling him what to tell me when I was on the phone with him. How dare she get involved with this, everything was going so smoothly and all she wanted to do was cause trouble for me. I hated her for interfering with my kids and I wasn't going to give into her without a major fight!
Recently a group of stepmoms were asked if they get along with their husband's ex:
34% said not at all or rarely
27% said that they don't even communicate with her
19% said sometimes or most of the time
20% said they put on nice faces for their husband and/or stepchildren
1 person said that she is friends with the ex-wife
Those stories are lived out every day by thousands of women. Women who are threatened, afraid, jealous, angry, resentful of having each other in their lives. But it doesn't have to be that way, there have been some stepmom and ex-wives out there who have managed to put aside their differences and fears and actually become FRIENDS with their natural enemy. Let's read about it...
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By Tonya DeCourval
In October 1994, I met a neighbor of mine and she and I became friends. She and her husband were talking about divorce. As a child of divorce and a divorcee myself, I could see both sides-parents and childs. What I NEVER ecpected was to fall in love with her husband. Larry and I began dating when they filed for divorce. I didn't meet him until December and he didn't know she had agreed to the divorce until the night we met....Let me take you there....
I was suppose to go on a date and the guy had a family emergency. I went to a mutual friends to play cards. Pat introduced me to everyone and when Larry came in she said, "This is Larry, Audra's husband." Audra said,"Nope, we are divorcing. You can have him." Much to all our suprise, Larry and I will be married 10 years on Feb. 5, 2006. Even though Larry and Audra both wanted the divorce, it was NASTY. All they could agree on was wanting the divorce. I won't bore you with all the details but Larry and I agreed to move to MI from TN in Sept 1996 because he couldn't be in the same area as Audra and the kids. I was pregnant with our daughter and leaving the only home I had ever known. We spent the next 8 years between MI and TN. Larry didn't see the kids for 9 1/2 years until one day in Wal-Mart he ran into Audra. She told him the kids wanted to see him. At least Alex did. He is now 13. We agreed to meet with Alex the following Saturday and expected him to tell us to jump in the lake. Much to everyone's suprise, Alex wants us to be involved in his life. Tory tells Audra she wants to see us the next week. Larry and I are both unsure of seeing her as we hadn't seen her since she was about 6 months old. Audra and I began talking and clearing up some details that were blown of of proportion during the divorce and some misunderstandings. Hannah and Lance meet Tory before Larry does. THe girls are 2 peas in a pod. Audra and I continue to talk daily. Normally several times daily. She and I have become friends against all odds. Actually, she and I are best friends. It wasn't easy and there was some jealousy on my part but Larry has helped me see how secure our marriage is and has reminded me they are no good married but as friends they are ok. They grew up together so it is a part of his life I have no part of. I no longer see Audra as "the ex", She is Alex and Tory's mom-just like any of my other friends, my best friend. How many friends do you have that really LOVE your husband?!?!? As I said it is odd at best but it works for all of us and especially the kids, I am "other mom" that is what they call me and Audra knows I won't treat them any different than I do my kids. I NEVER refer to them as my step-kids. That makes it sound as if I love them less than I do the ones I gave birth to. I don't. They are MY kids too.
She and I were talking one day about how hard it is to blend families. That is where we came up with the idea of [email protected] We figured no one's story was any stranger than ours. It wasn't easy for us to become friends but it has been worth it. It didn't happen overnight either. It took 10 years.
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Tonya and Audra aren't the only stepmom and ex-wife team that has become friends! There is an organization called CoMamas by a stepmom and ex-wife who are friends and they work together to help other people in their position. They call this relationship "stepwives" which may be offensive to stepmoms and ex-wives who don't get along, but is a treasured term for those who are friends.
They describe the stages of conflict in the "stepwife" relationship: Stages of Conflict
One stepmom shares how she feels about the ex-wife in her life: At first I was intrigued by her, I was very curious about this woman that my (then) fiance had married and had a child with. I wanted her to be fat and ugly, I didn't want her to be any kind of a threat. She was very nice to me and certainly acted like she was a fabulous mother to her children in front of me. I thought that we could be friends and I even wanted her to like me. As soon as my husband and I got married his ex started making all these threats (like he wouldn't see his children if he allowed them to spend time with me) and demanding far more money than he is required to pay by the courts. I soon was feeling resentment and hatred for this woman, I felt like she was trying to ruin my life and my marriage. She would call our house at all hours of the day and night and have long conversations with my husband -- all "for the kids" and he was a good dad so he went along with it "for the kids". I was jealous of her monopolizing his time, taking OUR money, changing the schedule so that we could never make plans. Basically I hated her because of the control that she had over my life and my family. What she said went and she had more say in so many things than I did. She criticized everything that I did: the kids laundry, the way that I talked to the kids, the way that I cooked, you name it. I was also jealous of the bond that she shares with my husband that I don't: the long history, being parents together, etc. I wanted her out my life, I wished her to come to an early end, I hated her. She was definitely my enemy, no doubt about that.
One ex-wife shares how she feels about the stepmom of her kids: I felt mixed emotions when I found out that my ex was dating again. I was relieved that he was finally moving on since I was already remarried, but I was also a little jealous that someone else was in his life. He hadn't dated anyone since our breakup and although I had moved on with my life it definitely stung a little. I wanted to put on my best face when I first met her, I was nervous I didn't know what to expect. It's not every day that you're introduced to your former love's new love. She seemed nice, we were polite to each other and got along. As things started to get more seroius between the two of them I started to have concerns, I wanted to know more about this person who was spending so much time with my kids. I asked a lot of questions to my kids and to my ex and I even asked her a lot of questions to find out more about her. I was starting to like her less, I didn't like the way that she dressed I was afraid that my daughter would want to dress like her. The kids said that she was a good cook and I felt hurt as if her being a good cook made me a bad one. I didn't want her to try to replace me in their lives, they are MY kids not hers and I told them often that she isn't their mom. My protective mothering instincts had fully kicked in and I was going to protect my children from that woman if it cost me my life. It ripped me apart to see my kids going with her on the weekends and holidays, I felt out of control and scared. She started to turn into the enemy, I resented her being my kids lives and acting like a mom when they were with her. What made everything even worse is that my ex and I had a schedule and a way of doing things that was working great for us and the kids, but suddenly he was demanding more time and wouldn't pay for a lot of things that he agreed to beforehand. I could even hear her telling him what to tell me when I was on the phone with him. How dare she get involved with this, everything was going so smoothly and all she wanted to do was cause trouble for me. I hated her for interfering with my kids and I wasn't going to give into her without a major fight!
Recently a group of stepmoms were asked if they get along with their husband's ex:
34% said not at all or rarely
27% said that they don't even communicate with her
19% said sometimes or most of the time
20% said they put on nice faces for their husband and/or stepchildren
1 person said that she is friends with the ex-wife
Those stories are lived out every day by thousands of women. Women who are threatened, afraid, jealous, angry, resentful of having each other in their lives. But it doesn't have to be that way, there have been some stepmom and ex-wives out there who have managed to put aside their differences and fears and actually become FRIENDS with their natural enemy. Let's read about it...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By Tonya DeCourval
In October 1994, I met a neighbor of mine and she and I became friends. She and her husband were talking about divorce. As a child of divorce and a divorcee myself, I could see both sides-parents and childs. What I NEVER ecpected was to fall in love with her husband. Larry and I began dating when they filed for divorce. I didn't meet him until December and he didn't know she had agreed to the divorce until the night we met....Let me take you there....
I was suppose to go on a date and the guy had a family emergency. I went to a mutual friends to play cards. Pat introduced me to everyone and when Larry came in she said, "This is Larry, Audra's husband." Audra said,"Nope, we are divorcing. You can have him." Much to all our suprise, Larry and I will be married 10 years on Feb. 5, 2006. Even though Larry and Audra both wanted the divorce, it was NASTY. All they could agree on was wanting the divorce. I won't bore you with all the details but Larry and I agreed to move to MI from TN in Sept 1996 because he couldn't be in the same area as Audra and the kids. I was pregnant with our daughter and leaving the only home I had ever known. We spent the next 8 years between MI and TN. Larry didn't see the kids for 9 1/2 years until one day in Wal-Mart he ran into Audra. She told him the kids wanted to see him. At least Alex did. He is now 13. We agreed to meet with Alex the following Saturday and expected him to tell us to jump in the lake. Much to everyone's suprise, Alex wants us to be involved in his life. Tory tells Audra she wants to see us the next week. Larry and I are both unsure of seeing her as we hadn't seen her since she was about 6 months old. Audra and I began talking and clearing up some details that were blown of of proportion during the divorce and some misunderstandings. Hannah and Lance meet Tory before Larry does. THe girls are 2 peas in a pod. Audra and I continue to talk daily. Normally several times daily. She and I have become friends against all odds. Actually, she and I are best friends. It wasn't easy and there was some jealousy on my part but Larry has helped me see how secure our marriage is and has reminded me they are no good married but as friends they are ok. They grew up together so it is a part of his life I have no part of. I no longer see Audra as "the ex", She is Alex and Tory's mom-just like any of my other friends, my best friend. How many friends do you have that really LOVE your husband?!?!? As I said it is odd at best but it works for all of us and especially the kids, I am "other mom" that is what they call me and Audra knows I won't treat them any different than I do my kids. I NEVER refer to them as my step-kids. That makes it sound as if I love them less than I do the ones I gave birth to. I don't. They are MY kids too.
She and I were talking one day about how hard it is to blend families. That is where we came up with the idea of [email protected] We figured no one's story was any stranger than ours. It wasn't easy for us to become friends but it has been worth it. It didn't happen overnight either. It took 10 years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tonya and Audra aren't the only stepmom and ex-wife team that has become friends! There is an organization called CoMamas by a stepmom and ex-wife who are friends and they work together to help other people in their position. They call this relationship "stepwives" which may be offensive to stepmoms and ex-wives who don't get along, but is a treasured term for those who are friends.
They describe the stages of conflict in the "stepwife" relationship: Stages of Conflict
