What Stepparents Have Given Up
We have asked a group of stepparents what they have given up because of marrying a man or woman who has children. We asked for them to share things that they have given up not because of normal marriage issues but because their spouse has children and an ex-spouse who is also a parent of his or her children.
It is important to note that not all of the stepparents said that they resent or regret giving these things up. Quite a few said that they had received much more in return for what they had given up. But, there were stepparents who did resent and/or regret some or even all of what they have given up.
The purpose of this poll is to help future stepparents become more informed on what they will likely be giving up since marrying a person with children has far more factors than marrying someone without children. Only you, as a future stepparent, can decide for yourself if this is the road that you want to take and if giving up certain things in your life is worth it. We want you to make the best informed decision as possible. Too many stepparents feel blind-sided after getting married because they don't understand what they are going to have to give up.
Here is the list. It is not in any kind of order and we have not taken out repeated answers. If you see the same answer over and over again that is because many stepparents have said they have had to give it up. Replies have only been edited for grammatical purposes and readability, not for content.
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I have given up being able to live where I want to live. Not only can I not take a job in another state, I was "coerced" into moving to a place where I am very unhappy so that my 15 year old stepson would not have to change schools when we got custody of him. Two and a half more years and counting...
That is the biggie for me. Other smaller things I have given up... privacy (OK - probably pretty big, too), the comfortable knowledge that things will be wherever I left them, private time with the man I love. I miss sitting outside and having a few cigarettes at the end of a tough day - I think that this would not be a good example to set for my stepson. I miss being able to walk around the house in whatever I want and not having to worry about it being too revealing.
Now that I have mentioned all the things I have given up, I think it is important to talk about the things I have gotten. I admit that I have gotten a lot out of this marriage and my relationship with my husband. But, for the life of me I cannot think of one single positive thing that I have gotten out of being a StepMother. Maybe patience...
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I KNOWINGLY gave up:
-My weekends alone with hubby--we have my stepdaughter nine out of ten weekends.
-The “honeymoon” period…the time to adjust to marriage without kids around.
-All those firsts: first wife, first wedding, first child…
I UNKOWNINGLY gave up:
(Not all of these are still issues, but they are all things that I have had to give up at one time or another.)
-Being able to purchase a larger house.
-Becoming a mommy. When we were engaged, he agreed to have two kids with me, but after we were married he said that he didn't want to have two more kids because he already had one. He said he couldn't remember agreeing to having two more kids!
-A husband that would actually want to have kids with me--because his ex is such a witch and made his life miserable by using their daughter against him at every turn (he’s afraid that will happen to him again). He refuses to even talk about having kids with me!
-A say as to what goes on in my house because a CHILD has more say as to what goes on in my house than I do.
-Peaceful Sundays, we have to drop my stepdaughter off with her mother every Sunday, which is ALWAYS a stressful event that seems to hang over us all day.
-An easy-going first year of marriage because of hubby's ex trying to ruin our marriage for the entire first year, even though she had already been re-married for four years!! She's jealous that I am with hubby, she thinks that if SHE can't have him, nobody should--and she's the one who left him! She's also jealous that I have a relationship with her daughter and she knows that her temper makes her an emotionally and verbally abusive mother.
-Lots of money: hubby told me when we were engaged that his child support was “not much” but in fact is over ¼ of his entire income; his ex won’t follow the parenting plan so we have had to take her to court over that and we are in debt for it, etc.
-My stepdaughter turning against me after the wedding (she absolutely couldn’t WAIT for us to marry when hubby and I were dating!) But to her credit, she did finally come around and we get along really well now after over two years of misery. She was always trying to come between hubby and I, trying to get him to prove to her that she was more important to him than I was.
-My stepdaughter's mother being able to manipulate my husband: he’ll be happy and then all she has to do is say, “I’m going to raise the child support!” or, “I’m going to move our daughter out of the state!” and then hubby is depressed or angry for days and it ruins our time together. She just does it to try to control him. And it makes me so mad!!
-Time with my family: because my stepdaughter is so close to hubby's parents we spend time with them each weekend, but we rarely see my family who also live close by.
-Being treated like a wife when my stepdaughter is around. Hubby guilt parents a lot and tends to shower her with affection, attention and love when she is around and at the same time he is irritable towards me. And he expects that I should want her to live here full-time! Not a chance, why would I want to be ignored ALL of the time?
-Private bedroom time when my stepdaughter is around. It's like he forgets that sex even exists when she is with us. Another reason why I don't wouldn't want her living her all the time!
-A husband who appreciates having me around. He is so focused on how he "never" gets to see his daughter (even though she is with us nine out of ten weekends) so he just takes it for granted that I am always here for him. Every day that she is with us, he tells her at least ten times that he is so glad that she is here. When does he ever tell me that he is glad that I am here? I am the one who is through everything, putting up with a lot from him, his ex, and their child! There is no appreciation. I am just expected to be here and put up with everything and enjoy it.
-Continuing my education (getting my masters degree) because of child support payments and saving for my stepdaughter to go to college.
-Enjoying my weekends. Long gone are the relaxing days of sleeping in past 9:00 and just lounging around the house on Saturdays. Long gone are my 2 hour naps on Sundays. We have to keep busy all of the time so that my stepdaughter doesn't feel bored and wouldn't want to come visit us.
-Privacy. Time alone. Solitude. Peace. Time to sit down and read a good book. Quiet.
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Dreams.
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I gave up being the only one to decide rules/consequences/priviledges.
I give up some Saturdays to watch my stepdaughter while hubby works.
I gave up some freedom of scheduling vacation days to accomodate SD's visitation schedule.
I gave up my cat (found him a good home)...because my stepdaughter is highly allergic.
But I have to say honestly...that anything I gave up was by choice, and I don't really feel like I've given anything up...well, except for the cat....because I get so much in return.
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The biggest thing for me was I gave up having my own kids. Hubby has two and told me right from the start he didn't want any more. Even if we did have an "ours" I wouldn't be able to share that awe of having your first child with him simply because he has already been there, done that.
I gave up having school events be a happy and/or fun time. I go because the stepkids want me there and I try to put on a good face for them, but their mother's presence always has me looking over my shoulder to make sure I am not overstepping my bounds with her.
But I also know I gained a lot more. I have a wonderful Hubby that appreciates me even more because he knows how horrible marriage can be with the wrong person. I get the joy of two stepkids that love me no matter what their mother says or does. And every other weekend I have DH all to myself.
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I had to give up moving down south.
I had to give up the best years of relationship with my own kids while trying to deal with stepkids and their irrational mother.
I had to give up my job as the stress of it all was too much.
But, I have gained a loving hubby.
I have gained the respect of the adult children.
I have learned how to let go of a lot of bitterness and ill feelings through it all, and am a much better and stronger person.
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I came into this marriage with children of my own and an ex who lives nearby. So, hubby and I have brought similar set-ups to the marriage...except my ex is basically absent, his is psycho! Yes, I just complained to someone else about having to pick up my stepdaughter from daycare/school even when I don't want to...yes, that is a sacrifice of sorts, it is also just something parents do...I complain about having to make special trips for my biological daughter...I hate going to her school too because of traffic.
I just don't think about it in terms of "giving something up" because I have gained so much by marrying hubby. I have gained a partner in life, a partner in parenting. I have gained a child to love unconditionally and one who loves me unconditionally back. I have gained all those moments when kids say the darnedest things and you belly laugh at the innocence of a child. I have gained wonderful in-laws who wholeheartedly accepted me into the family.
If I think about what I have given up, I would tend to wallow in the bitterness of things and I can't do that. Actually, I have done it and it was making me miserable. I gave up a life free of dealing with my stepdaughter's mother. I hated the fact that I have to have her in my life. But I can't dwell on that anymore. I want to focus on the positives in my life. Besides, laughing at her is way more fun than being upset with her or viewing her as something negative I have to endure to have hubby and my stepdaughter in my life.
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Let's start with a positive thing:
I gained the most loving, sweet man I have ever known. We get closer every day. I can't imagaine my life w/o him in it.
Hmmmmmm, what I've lost:
*freedom ~ can't move away
*my privacy
*a baby for a few yrs
*a hatefree life
*a wedding
*a baby with someone who is just as excited to have a baby for the first time (he's done it four times now)
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I am going to be the second one when I say that I, too, have gained absolutely nothing positive FOR ME in becoming a stepparent. I dislike my stepkids. I do not enjoy being a stepmom at all. Had I known I would feel this way, I would have waited to marry until they were out on their own, out of my house. The positive? My marriage to my best friend, best lover, best man I have ever met in my life- I am just having the hardest time reconciling that with the fact that I do not like being stepmom to his kids (who, by the way, are nothing like him at all) with the exception of his youngest son. You can have the other two. I would be pleased if I never had to deal with them again. No hatred, just vast indifference........
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I gave up:
- privacy
- control over huge portions of my life
- peace of mind
- quiet time
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Since you've only asked for things that I have given up, I'll only list those things:
Freedom to move
Will never have my own children
My cats (one of my stepkids is "allergic")
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I initially gave up freedom and a honeymoon period with no kids, but because of work schedules, I got those shortly after we married. After I got them, I didn't think they were as big of a deal as I made them out to be in my mind.
I gave up living relatively stress free. Eventually, that changed as well, after my stepson moved out. I wouldn't call my life stress free with three little kids, but it's nothing compared to the chaos of living with a troubled kid who didn't want to be helped.
What did I get? Well, besides a good relationship with hubby, I got great insight into raising kids before mine came along. The actual step relationship I could take or leave, since my stepson isn't an interactive or giving kid, and we don't really get along.
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This one is hard for me! I went into my marriage believeing that a parent (which I threw myself into that role) gives up things, puts childrens needs ahead of their own... I still believe that, and I wouldnt change a thing... Sure I have made sacrifices, but isnt that part of being a parent?
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I UNKNOWINGLY gave up:
*The ability to take a family vacation.
*Any flexibility in our schedule.
*A peaceful life with my stepkids mother.
*The ability to be myself around the girls.
*Financial contentment due to legal fees.
I KNOWINGLY gave up:
*Having a child with a first time dad. (This was much more difficult than I ever imagined.)
*Personal space.
*Having more than one child and a baby girl of my own.
*The ability to move far away (we could but I knew hubby wouldn't)
Although, with all I gave up, I gained a wonderful husband and father to my son which makes up for all of it.
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I, too, dislike being a stepmom. I gave up having my wonderful husband to myself (without ever really having him, since his son and ex-wife came before I did). I gave up many peaceful weekends. I gave up my spare room. I gave up feeling like my church was "my" place now that my stepson goes to Sunday School. And due to recent events, I have now given up peace of mind -- I feel that everything my husband and I do is scrutinized and criticized by his ex, and complained about by his son -- so no vacations, no spending money and/or time on ourselves. NO CONTROL over when the kid is at our house or not -- so I gave up privacy.
I want it to get better, but he's barely 13 years old.
One thing I have reclaimed, however: I had given up drinking alcohol in front of him when he was younger, but now I enjoy a glass of wine at home once in a while. But he's expressed quite an interest in drinking that worries me, so I might have to give this up again.
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Basically I have not given anything up to marry a man who already has children. Age is another factor... did you marry before or after childbearing age. For me getting all hot and bothered because things I do with my husband are not the "first" just don't exist. If that's the type of person you are then just don't marry a man with children.
gosh sorry I'm going off on a tangent here.........
the only thing I cannot do is run around the house in my underware. I almost had an empty nest but then my teenage stepson moved in.....
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I've given up:
- The ability to say that I was my husband's first wife. (But I can say I'm my husband's first LASTING marriage)
- The ability to say that I had a child with him first.
Those two hurt the most.
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I gave up a peaceful, child-free newlywed year but then again I also had to give that up because my brother-in-law lived with us, but that's another story!
I gave up being the first to give hubby a child.
That's really the only two things I gave up to be with hubby. We both want to wait before having another child, so that wasn't an issue. I do give up a lot of self-control over my own life because we have to deal with his ex and her being a control freak - even more of one than I am! LOL
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*I have given up a tremendous amount of independence.
*I have given up the opportunity to be a top priority in my mate's life
*I have given up a tremendous amount of privacy
*I have given up a tremendous amount of solitude
*Most importantly, I have given up a lot of my self-esteem
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I gave up my entire way of life (serenely independent!), the city of my birth, physical proximity to a wide range of friends and support groups to move 500 miles away to a city where the only person I knew was SO.
HE is worth this life-change.
The only positive thing I have gained from his daughters - I found a great group of stepmom friends!!!!!
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I don't even consider myself a stepmom -- I'm nothing to those boys.
But I don't like the step-situation. If this were to ever become a 24/7 kind of thing, he and I would have to separate. I wouldn't do this on a daily basis.
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*I gave up having that "honeymoon" time with hubby....being married with no kids.
*I gave up the flexibility to transfer for my career (if hubby moves out of a two county area, he forfeits custody according to the divorce agreement).
*I gave up the chance to give hubby his first child.
*I gave up peaceful Sunday evenings....that's when we do the exchange, and even though things are for the most part sane, interaction with hubby's ex isn't my favorite thing.
I give up an hours sleep every morning on weeks with the stepkids to get them ready and to daycare before I go to work (ok, maybe this one just seems bad because it's Monday).
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time, scheduling flexibility, emotional wellbeing at times, the ability to parent all children in my house equally, privacy (via hubby's ex and the stepkids), money, space in my home (i.e. a smaller mortgage), time with my husband....
now i don't exactly MIND some of these things, but i have given them up....
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Not much except some privacy and intimacy from time-to-time when stepkids were living with us temporarily.
I was very ready to not be single any longer when I first asked my wife out. I was also very ready to stay single if that's what occurred. One requirement, however, if I was going to get involved in a committed relationship was that whatever woman it was with have no children at home.
Being an empty nester was something I was not going to give up on any long-term basis.
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*I have given up many long, lonely nights.
*I have given up the fact that I'll never have children to raise and inspire and love.
*I have given up a large empty home to one full of love and laughter and the occasional broken something-or-other.
*I have given up being selfish.
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I have given up the ability to move and accept a position in my field. I worked on my degree for 9 years, so it hurts to give that up. I've also given up the ability to go to grad school, with child support, there is no way we could afford it. I have given up respect from other people, because it seems as soon as someone finds out you're a stepmother, they "assume the worst" about you.
Knowing what I know now would I do it again? In a heartbeat. I may occasionally mourn for what I've given up, but I've received so much more from my DH that its worth it.
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i left my family to move closer to ss so that hubby didn't have to worry about when the next time he got to see him again would be. so i guess i gave up my family in some sense.
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I have given up my privacy, and some of my sanity. My 12 year old stepdaughter is very snoopy and we catch her listening her father and I are talking, or she will stop on the stairs when she hears me pick up the phone, it drives me nuts! Her mother is pretty much the same way, except the mother has a screw loose. My boyfriend's brother caught my boyfriend's ex peeking in my windows one day! Now if I want to have a conversation, I lock myself in my room, I can't even talk in my own house!!!
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(In reply to the above): I deal with that, too. Only I have to watch what I say because hubby is deathly afraid of his ex finding out any detail of our lives. I understand that his ex doesn't need to know everything (nor do I want her to!) but sometimes I feel like I can't talk about anything when my stepdaughter is around. Hubby has this list of stuff that he doesn't want her to know about. Not that any of these things are bad, he just doesn't want it getting back to his ex. It's irritating always having to think so much about what I'm going to say. I have to think about whether my stepdaughter is in earshot and I have to think about if this topic is okay or not.
And my stepdaughter isn't even (usually) a nosey girl! She's not a blabber mouth or a gossip. The thing is that she *knows* how her mom is and I know that she wouldn't go blabbing all of our personal stuff to her mom. Oh, well. If it makes hubby feel better...
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I usually try not to think about what I've given up - it makes me sad. And I know that hubby is worth it all - he is truly my soulmate and the man I want to spend my life with. Having said that, I know in my heart that I've given up so much:
Having raised 3 biological kids, I've given up the peace of not having demands from children at home. Instead I gained eight more years of sacrificing what I want and need, to raise a child, only this time the child is not mine and was not raised with my values.
I've given up the right to live with only those I love. I do not love my stepdaughter. I find her irritating and stressful to live with. I'm pretty sure that will not ever change.
I've given up expressing my feelings in reaction to my stepdaughter. Instead, I try to be kind and thoughtful to someone who is immature and attention seeking most of the time. Is this making me a better person? I don't know. I find it very stressful and difficult.
One thing I have not given up is the hope that one day she will move out, and I will be able to enjoy my life with hubby so much more, without the constant demands of his daughter. We will be able to go where we please, when we please, and do WHATEVER we please, in our own home.
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i've given up:
*time- to get all the work, notes, etc of keeping track of hubby's ex and her crap for my husband's money-attorneys, etc
*my ability to be a stay at home mom
*but i have gained a wonderful hubby, a new baby girl, a father for my son, a new home..the positives way out weight the negs
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1st: Most if not all my furnishings. My DH had a fully furnish home and so did I. Since I moved into his home I sold most of my stuff. We did keep my big screen TV.
2nd: My Truck. It was only a few years old in beautiful shape but simply non functional when it cam to driving the family around.
3rd: My dream home. As a result of BM's sabotage and down right mischief they lost everything and had to file bankrupcy. The only home "I" could afford for the family is not my first choice.
4th: as a result of # 3 we could not afford a vasectomy reversal to have our own children and I am getting close to the dangerous age.
5th: We cannot move to a more affordable area.
6th: Piece of mind. I now have an uncontrollable variable in my life that affects me and my family regularly (BM).
Despite all the above: I got a terrific husband and two amazing boys.
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Oh my gosh! I can't think of even one thing! Hey, that's great!
But I came into this relationship with the intent to NEVER be resentful about anything... So whenever I'm upset about something, I'm brutally honest with him. He's the same way back, so nothing is left to fester. Even with my stepdaugher and her issues... I don't feel that I've given anything up...I wouldn't have a relationship with her anyway, so nothing is lost.
And I've gained so very, very, very much with hubby... without having to change myself at all. We're honest to each other and we compromise everyday. As long as we do that, we'll never be giving-up more than we intended.
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I gave up my personal space, peaceful living existence, my car, my gas, my extra money, my weekends of travel and enjoyment in exchange for looking at a bm with a nasty attitude, my mental health, my serenity, my healthy outlook on marriage ( I detest the thought of it), my sex life, my bed, my favorite tv, my favorite movies, dating, singlehood, exercise, movies, dinner with friends, telephone conversations with good old friends unless I take a day off from work to catch up with everybody, days of solitude, being able to use the bathroom without hubby needing to come in and shave, church service on Sundays kid is to visit, a feeling of well-being and relaxation replaced by chaos, and general resentment of hubby and problems. Don't get me wrong, I do have my good moments.
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When I met hubby, I had never been married, and had no children of my own. He came with a high-maintenance ex-wife, three children and two grandchildren. But couldn't it be that the majority of the adaptations I made were simply from moving from independent singlehood to being married?
What I didn't give up:
Independence -- that would have happened if hubby had also been single and child-free.
Freely scheduled vacations -- hubby has fewer vacation days than I do, and his job is more restrictive about when they can be taken. Again, a change that would have occurred anyway.
What I did give up:
Financial peace -- I don't really begrudge the kids here (I expected DH/we would help with the youngest's education), but the ex. I married hubby knowing that child support ends at X time, and the "voluntary" alimony he was paying would end at "y" time. His ex is now panicking and is demanding periodic alimony (she wants $650 a month until she marries again). This was NOT what I signed on for.
Now, hubby and I each do fairly well, so that $650 a month (being negotiated now) would not kill us. But it gnaws at me like nothing else! I know that got a bit off track, but I guess the message is that, going in, one expects his kids to always remain a priority/opportunity/burden, but one often doesn't realize that the ex-wife is forever, too.
What the jury is still out on:
Not having my own child -- I'm 38 and he is 51 with a 20-year-old vasectomy. He has said he would get a reversal if I really want a child, but that he is very happy the way things are now. He does have a bit of a "been there, done that" attitude, but is careful not to manifest it much with me. And of course there are always the attendant issues of cost, probability of success of a reversal, my own untested fertility at 38, etc. His main concern is that we -- particularly he -- are really too old to take this on now. I can't really fault that logic. I married him because I love him, I love being with him, and I love the things we can do together. If we have a child -- or children -- it will change the relationship. We'll get the last one out of school and then look to each other for enjoyment in our retiring years. But rather than being in our forties or fifties like a traditional couple, we could be 62 and 75. Even if he had never been married or had kids, he still would have been 49 when I! met him. I can't change the math.
So, some days I am resentful that (because he has already experienced it three times) having a child with me is not something that ever crosses his mind as something HE would like. Other days I am resentful of myself for choices I have made which made me as a never-married and child-free person at age 37. (Note to young women -- great grades, graduate school, community involvement and a big paycheck may not guarantee complete fulfillment).
So who is to blame for this? I don't think every disappointment has to have fault assigned. Sometimes disappointments are just that -- disappointments. And if the wonderful life I have had both without and with hubby also leads to some disappointments, so be it.
How to deal with it all? Just the way I wrote it out above -- by analyzing it. No sense in obsessing over something inevitable. No sense in obsessing over something over which one has no control. And most of all, realizing that his ex and his kids are not the bogeyman. Just like the ex-wife can't always use the new wife as a scapegoat -- we can't always use her or the kids.
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I guess for me, if I had to give-up something that I didn't want to... then I would be resentful. If I had to give-up something that was OK to give... I wouldn't be resentful. So the idea in our relationship is to not give-up anything we don't willingly want to give. (Of course that takes a lot of compromising from time to time!) In that token, I don't really feel like I've "had" to give-up anything. I gave it away with a smile.
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Ya know... the things I willingly gave-up are very few. Guess I'm lucky. In most cases the things I gave-up ...I did so in order to receive even a better deal. For example, I gave-up going to Montana to see my brother/sister-in-law at Christmas ... but hubby has asked them to come visit us this year AT HIS EXPENSE. So I really can't complain!
I suppose the only thing I can really point to giving-up is a bit of my time and patience. But that has nothing to do with the stepkids at all.... it's only with hubby. He's a bulldozer and a very passionate person....It takes a lot of patience and time to get him to listen or understand.
I don't mind it at all, but I've had friends tell me that no one on this earth could "handle him" as well as I do. I really don't think of it as "handling" .... but communicating with him does take more energy than any other person I've met or been with.
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I went from independent and single to married with a stepson.
1. Privacy - ie, from walking around naked to stepson possibly telling his mother about our home and our ways
2. Quiet - especially while I'm sick
3. Peace - ie, drama from stepson's mother
4. Not being able to just lay down after a particularly annoying day at work
5. Eating only one portion of a meal for dinner (ie, just broccoli or noodles)
6. Cooking for one
7. Reading without blah blah blah going on
Ok, here's what I've learned:
1. Just walk around naked in my bedroom and not care what he talks about in his mother's home
2. Get used to noise
3. How to deal with difficult people without turning into one
4. Fly on autopilot for awhile and eat decent meals
5. Cook a decent dinner
6. The joy of no leftovers
7. Being able to read with blah blah blah going on
8. How to be a (quasi) role model for a child
9. How to keep my cool even though a lovely 6-year-old was happy to push my buttons
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First of all... the plan was to have a kid of my own...
I gave up my job (the better to be home for kid and stepdaughter... but if we hadn't had stepdaughter then likely I wouldn't have stopped working until I was actually pregnant)
I gave up my own owned home (if I wasn't working then living where hubby lived would have a lower cost of living and the proceeds from my home sale could go toward a new, theoretically cheaper home).
I gave up my friends (moved in with hubby 75 miles from my old home)
I gave up my family (all my family is long distance and since I wasn't working we no longer had the funds for me to visit as I used to)
I gave up loads of self esteem (this is really due to issues with hubby, but then again if we didn't have my stepdaughter then I wouldn't have moved and quit my job and the balance of power would have been much more fair)
I gave up my gone kitty, the one that died possibly due to lack of medical attention (a money and esteem issue because if I still had a job we'd have had the money for my kitty's care and I've already explained that my self esteem took a beating).
I gave up my dream of having my own biological child (by the time we knew that we couldn't have one without help there was no way I could see myself withstanding the stress that using medical intervention would mean when added to all the other huge stress in my life, esp. given that it would have cost a ton of money which gets back to the money issues caused in part by my not working).
When I look back I gave up almost every single thing that meant anything to me.
And in return I got...
High blood pressure
The self esteem of mushed ant
Depression and anti-depressant medication >br>Memory loss and lack of direction
On the up side, the tide is finally starting to turn maybe... hubby is finally taking steps to make himself a better husband, he's finally allowing me to be the parent he has always claimed he wanted me to be in my stepdaughter's life, and we're talking about adoption.
(Oh, and don't forget that I'm fully financially supporting a kid that isn't mine because her mother is shiftless and hubby doesn't see the point in pursuing child support from someone that has never in her entire life worked a full time job and still at the age of 34 sponges off her parents.)
Even with the tide turning I would never ever do this again... not just with hubby, but with any man.
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Long story short. My stepdaughter's b-day is Valentine's day. At first her mother was not going to be able to make the celebration due to "plans", which we are sure involve new boyfriend. ANYWAY!! I was feeling a bit like this: 9 years ago tomorrow, the skids came to live with us. So, Valentine's Day of 1994 is the last time hubby and I celebrated it in any remotely romantic way. And his ex has plans on her daughters B-day?! Hard for me to swallow!! Go on, ex, have a good time!! I've spent the last 9 Valentine's Day doing what a decent mom would....celebrating YOUR daughter's birthday!! Pay no mind it's a milestone b-day (13!) We got this. You go be romantic. Maybe you can let me know what romance is like! So, I gave up romantic occassions!
I gave up FREEDOM!!
I gave up relaxation.
I gave up MONEY.
I gave up privacy.
I gave up quiet times
I gave up having a second child of my own, which REALLY hurts when I'm in the right mood.
I gave up enjoying my pregnancy...I was miserable during the whole thing, while we all adjusted to the step-family life.
The list is really endless. The one I've always had the hardest time with is the freedom. I always resented that when their mom threw away her kids, she got the freedom that I gave up.
I realize, that having my own child, I would have given up some of these things anyway. But on my own time, and in my own way! It's easier (and cheaper!!) to take one kid to dinner than 4! Less running around with only one. Less money spent on only one. Less energy on one. Wow, it looks like I gave up more than I ever realized! But....they are worth it, and I love them very much. Still, I resent it from time to time.
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All my Skids are grown and moved out, but for a time, I did make many sacrifices. But it has turned out to be worth it. What I gave up:
1. The "honeymoon period"
2. Money. We paid for my stepdaughter's braces, numerous doctor bills, and put her through private school. Not that I'm complaining, hubby and I both agreed on these things.
3. Privacy
4. Not as much time alone with hubby as I would have liked.
5. At times, I felt that I had given up my position as the wife when my stepdaughter was around.
6. Peace and quiet.
7. Looking forward to weekends.
What I delayed:
Buying a house. We could not afford one until my stepdaughter graduated from private school and when we no longer had to pay child support.
What I have gained:
1. Stepchildren who are now adults and are my friends.
2. Grandchildren from a stepson.
3. Wisdom. I have learned how to be discerning in relationships, how to set boundaries. I have learned not to judge people on the surface, but to try to understand their situation first, before I come to a conclusion.
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The biggest thing I've given up is the freedom to openly discuss certain things, whether it be with hubby, a friend, or family member, when my stepdaughter is around. I am not at liberty to do so because my stepdaughter has the HORRIBLE habit of repeating everything to her mother like a parakeet. Anything I talk about isn't "bad," it's just personal, and because she knows many of my relatives and friends, she would know who I'm talking with or about. I also can't discuss personal things such as finances and such when she's around. It bothers me because I feel like I have to "look over my back" to make sure she's not lurking about eavesdropping, like she LOVES to do.
Other times, hubby and I will be discussing something meaningless, like we were two weeks ago, and she'll start butting in. It's so freaking annoying! I was telling hubby that I forgot to invite a certain couple to our SuperBowl Party. My stepdaughter was in her bathroom cleaning her face. She calls out from there, "Who are X and X?" I ignored her and continued talking to hubby about it. I was waiting for her to come out and get in our faces about it so I could say, "This conversation doesn't concern you so don't worry about who X and X are." She is SO nosey, just like her mother. Always wanting to jump into other people's conversations or listen in on what others are talking about. A not so attractive, but very irritating quality they both possess.
In the event I must discuss something I can't wait to talk about, I will talk in Spanish, so she doesn't understand. She hates it when I do that, but she also knows that I do that so she won't understand.
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Plain and simple, I've given up a conflict-free life.
Not that hubby's ex would provide the only source of conflict throughout my entire life...but she certainly has for the past nine years. The stress of having to deal with her, trying to stay one step ahead of her and trying to be the bigger person gets overwhelming at times.
It is important to note that not all of the stepparents said that they resent or regret giving these things up. Quite a few said that they had received much more in return for what they had given up. But, there were stepparents who did resent and/or regret some or even all of what they have given up.
The purpose of this poll is to help future stepparents become more informed on what they will likely be giving up since marrying a person with children has far more factors than marrying someone without children. Only you, as a future stepparent, can decide for yourself if this is the road that you want to take and if giving up certain things in your life is worth it. We want you to make the best informed decision as possible. Too many stepparents feel blind-sided after getting married because they don't understand what they are going to have to give up.
Here is the list. It is not in any kind of order and we have not taken out repeated answers. If you see the same answer over and over again that is because many stepparents have said they have had to give it up. Replies have only been edited for grammatical purposes and readability, not for content.
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I have given up being able to live where I want to live. Not only can I not take a job in another state, I was "coerced" into moving to a place where I am very unhappy so that my 15 year old stepson would not have to change schools when we got custody of him. Two and a half more years and counting...
That is the biggie for me. Other smaller things I have given up... privacy (OK - probably pretty big, too), the comfortable knowledge that things will be wherever I left them, private time with the man I love. I miss sitting outside and having a few cigarettes at the end of a tough day - I think that this would not be a good example to set for my stepson. I miss being able to walk around the house in whatever I want and not having to worry about it being too revealing.
Now that I have mentioned all the things I have given up, I think it is important to talk about the things I have gotten. I admit that I have gotten a lot out of this marriage and my relationship with my husband. But, for the life of me I cannot think of one single positive thing that I have gotten out of being a StepMother. Maybe patience...
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I KNOWINGLY gave up:
-My weekends alone with hubby--we have my stepdaughter nine out of ten weekends.
-The “honeymoon” period…the time to adjust to marriage without kids around.
-All those firsts: first wife, first wedding, first child…
I UNKOWNINGLY gave up:
(Not all of these are still issues, but they are all things that I have had to give up at one time or another.)
-Being able to purchase a larger house.
-Becoming a mommy. When we were engaged, he agreed to have two kids with me, but after we were married he said that he didn't want to have two more kids because he already had one. He said he couldn't remember agreeing to having two more kids!
-A husband that would actually want to have kids with me--because his ex is such a witch and made his life miserable by using their daughter against him at every turn (he’s afraid that will happen to him again). He refuses to even talk about having kids with me!
-A say as to what goes on in my house because a CHILD has more say as to what goes on in my house than I do.
-Peaceful Sundays, we have to drop my stepdaughter off with her mother every Sunday, which is ALWAYS a stressful event that seems to hang over us all day.
-An easy-going first year of marriage because of hubby's ex trying to ruin our marriage for the entire first year, even though she had already been re-married for four years!! She's jealous that I am with hubby, she thinks that if SHE can't have him, nobody should--and she's the one who left him! She's also jealous that I have a relationship with her daughter and she knows that her temper makes her an emotionally and verbally abusive mother.
-Lots of money: hubby told me when we were engaged that his child support was “not much” but in fact is over ¼ of his entire income; his ex won’t follow the parenting plan so we have had to take her to court over that and we are in debt for it, etc.
-My stepdaughter turning against me after the wedding (she absolutely couldn’t WAIT for us to marry when hubby and I were dating!) But to her credit, she did finally come around and we get along really well now after over two years of misery. She was always trying to come between hubby and I, trying to get him to prove to her that she was more important to him than I was.
-My stepdaughter's mother being able to manipulate my husband: he’ll be happy and then all she has to do is say, “I’m going to raise the child support!” or, “I’m going to move our daughter out of the state!” and then hubby is depressed or angry for days and it ruins our time together. She just does it to try to control him. And it makes me so mad!!
-Time with my family: because my stepdaughter is so close to hubby's parents we spend time with them each weekend, but we rarely see my family who also live close by.
-Being treated like a wife when my stepdaughter is around. Hubby guilt parents a lot and tends to shower her with affection, attention and love when she is around and at the same time he is irritable towards me. And he expects that I should want her to live here full-time! Not a chance, why would I want to be ignored ALL of the time?
-Private bedroom time when my stepdaughter is around. It's like he forgets that sex even exists when she is with us. Another reason why I don't wouldn't want her living her all the time!
-A husband who appreciates having me around. He is so focused on how he "never" gets to see his daughter (even though she is with us nine out of ten weekends) so he just takes it for granted that I am always here for him. Every day that she is with us, he tells her at least ten times that he is so glad that she is here. When does he ever tell me that he is glad that I am here? I am the one who is through everything, putting up with a lot from him, his ex, and their child! There is no appreciation. I am just expected to be here and put up with everything and enjoy it.
-Continuing my education (getting my masters degree) because of child support payments and saving for my stepdaughter to go to college.
-Enjoying my weekends. Long gone are the relaxing days of sleeping in past 9:00 and just lounging around the house on Saturdays. Long gone are my 2 hour naps on Sundays. We have to keep busy all of the time so that my stepdaughter doesn't feel bored and wouldn't want to come visit us.
-Privacy. Time alone. Solitude. Peace. Time to sit down and read a good book. Quiet.
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Dreams.
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I gave up being the only one to decide rules/consequences/priviledges.
I give up some Saturdays to watch my stepdaughter while hubby works.
I gave up some freedom of scheduling vacation days to accomodate SD's visitation schedule.
I gave up my cat (found him a good home)...because my stepdaughter is highly allergic.
But I have to say honestly...that anything I gave up was by choice, and I don't really feel like I've given anything up...well, except for the cat....because I get so much in return.
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The biggest thing for me was I gave up having my own kids. Hubby has two and told me right from the start he didn't want any more. Even if we did have an "ours" I wouldn't be able to share that awe of having your first child with him simply because he has already been there, done that.
I gave up having school events be a happy and/or fun time. I go because the stepkids want me there and I try to put on a good face for them, but their mother's presence always has me looking over my shoulder to make sure I am not overstepping my bounds with her.
But I also know I gained a lot more. I have a wonderful Hubby that appreciates me even more because he knows how horrible marriage can be with the wrong person. I get the joy of two stepkids that love me no matter what their mother says or does. And every other weekend I have DH all to myself.
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I had to give up moving down south.
I had to give up the best years of relationship with my own kids while trying to deal with stepkids and their irrational mother.
I had to give up my job as the stress of it all was too much.
But, I have gained a loving hubby.
I have gained the respect of the adult children.
I have learned how to let go of a lot of bitterness and ill feelings through it all, and am a much better and stronger person.
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I came into this marriage with children of my own and an ex who lives nearby. So, hubby and I have brought similar set-ups to the marriage...except my ex is basically absent, his is psycho! Yes, I just complained to someone else about having to pick up my stepdaughter from daycare/school even when I don't want to...yes, that is a sacrifice of sorts, it is also just something parents do...I complain about having to make special trips for my biological daughter...I hate going to her school too because of traffic.
I just don't think about it in terms of "giving something up" because I have gained so much by marrying hubby. I have gained a partner in life, a partner in parenting. I have gained a child to love unconditionally and one who loves me unconditionally back. I have gained all those moments when kids say the darnedest things and you belly laugh at the innocence of a child. I have gained wonderful in-laws who wholeheartedly accepted me into the family.
If I think about what I have given up, I would tend to wallow in the bitterness of things and I can't do that. Actually, I have done it and it was making me miserable. I gave up a life free of dealing with my stepdaughter's mother. I hated the fact that I have to have her in my life. But I can't dwell on that anymore. I want to focus on the positives in my life. Besides, laughing at her is way more fun than being upset with her or viewing her as something negative I have to endure to have hubby and my stepdaughter in my life.
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Let's start with a positive thing:
I gained the most loving, sweet man I have ever known. We get closer every day. I can't imagaine my life w/o him in it.
Hmmmmmm, what I've lost:
*freedom ~ can't move away
*my privacy
*a baby for a few yrs
*a hatefree life
*a wedding
*a baby with someone who is just as excited to have a baby for the first time (he's done it four times now)
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I am going to be the second one when I say that I, too, have gained absolutely nothing positive FOR ME in becoming a stepparent. I dislike my stepkids. I do not enjoy being a stepmom at all. Had I known I would feel this way, I would have waited to marry until they were out on their own, out of my house. The positive? My marriage to my best friend, best lover, best man I have ever met in my life- I am just having the hardest time reconciling that with the fact that I do not like being stepmom to his kids (who, by the way, are nothing like him at all) with the exception of his youngest son. You can have the other two. I would be pleased if I never had to deal with them again. No hatred, just vast indifference........
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I gave up:
- privacy
- control over huge portions of my life
- peace of mind
- quiet time
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Since you've only asked for things that I have given up, I'll only list those things:
Freedom to move
Will never have my own children
My cats (one of my stepkids is "allergic")
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I initially gave up freedom and a honeymoon period with no kids, but because of work schedules, I got those shortly after we married. After I got them, I didn't think they were as big of a deal as I made them out to be in my mind.
I gave up living relatively stress free. Eventually, that changed as well, after my stepson moved out. I wouldn't call my life stress free with three little kids, but it's nothing compared to the chaos of living with a troubled kid who didn't want to be helped.
What did I get? Well, besides a good relationship with hubby, I got great insight into raising kids before mine came along. The actual step relationship I could take or leave, since my stepson isn't an interactive or giving kid, and we don't really get along.
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This one is hard for me! I went into my marriage believeing that a parent (which I threw myself into that role) gives up things, puts childrens needs ahead of their own... I still believe that, and I wouldnt change a thing... Sure I have made sacrifices, but isnt that part of being a parent?
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I UNKNOWINGLY gave up:
*The ability to take a family vacation.
*Any flexibility in our schedule.
*A peaceful life with my stepkids mother.
*The ability to be myself around the girls.
*Financial contentment due to legal fees.
I KNOWINGLY gave up:
*Having a child with a first time dad. (This was much more difficult than I ever imagined.)
*Personal space.
*Having more than one child and a baby girl of my own.
*The ability to move far away (we could but I knew hubby wouldn't)
Although, with all I gave up, I gained a wonderful husband and father to my son which makes up for all of it.
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I, too, dislike being a stepmom. I gave up having my wonderful husband to myself (without ever really having him, since his son and ex-wife came before I did). I gave up many peaceful weekends. I gave up my spare room. I gave up feeling like my church was "my" place now that my stepson goes to Sunday School. And due to recent events, I have now given up peace of mind -- I feel that everything my husband and I do is scrutinized and criticized by his ex, and complained about by his son -- so no vacations, no spending money and/or time on ourselves. NO CONTROL over when the kid is at our house or not -- so I gave up privacy.
I want it to get better, but he's barely 13 years old.
One thing I have reclaimed, however: I had given up drinking alcohol in front of him when he was younger, but now I enjoy a glass of wine at home once in a while. But he's expressed quite an interest in drinking that worries me, so I might have to give this up again.
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Basically I have not given anything up to marry a man who already has children. Age is another factor... did you marry before or after childbearing age. For me getting all hot and bothered because things I do with my husband are not the "first" just don't exist. If that's the type of person you are then just don't marry a man with children.
gosh sorry I'm going off on a tangent here.........
the only thing I cannot do is run around the house in my underware. I almost had an empty nest but then my teenage stepson moved in.....
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I've given up:
- The ability to say that I was my husband's first wife. (But I can say I'm my husband's first LASTING marriage)
- The ability to say that I had a child with him first.
Those two hurt the most.
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I gave up a peaceful, child-free newlywed year but then again I also had to give that up because my brother-in-law lived with us, but that's another story!
I gave up being the first to give hubby a child.
That's really the only two things I gave up to be with hubby. We both want to wait before having another child, so that wasn't an issue. I do give up a lot of self-control over my own life because we have to deal with his ex and her being a control freak - even more of one than I am! LOL
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*I have given up a tremendous amount of independence.
*I have given up the opportunity to be a top priority in my mate's life
*I have given up a tremendous amount of privacy
*I have given up a tremendous amount of solitude
*Most importantly, I have given up a lot of my self-esteem
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I gave up my entire way of life (serenely independent!), the city of my birth, physical proximity to a wide range of friends and support groups to move 500 miles away to a city where the only person I knew was SO.
HE is worth this life-change.
The only positive thing I have gained from his daughters - I found a great group of stepmom friends!!!!!
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I don't even consider myself a stepmom -- I'm nothing to those boys.
But I don't like the step-situation. If this were to ever become a 24/7 kind of thing, he and I would have to separate. I wouldn't do this on a daily basis.
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*I gave up having that "honeymoon" time with hubby....being married with no kids.
*I gave up the flexibility to transfer for my career (if hubby moves out of a two county area, he forfeits custody according to the divorce agreement).
*I gave up the chance to give hubby his first child.
*I gave up peaceful Sunday evenings....that's when we do the exchange, and even though things are for the most part sane, interaction with hubby's ex isn't my favorite thing.
I give up an hours sleep every morning on weeks with the stepkids to get them ready and to daycare before I go to work (ok, maybe this one just seems bad because it's Monday).
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time, scheduling flexibility, emotional wellbeing at times, the ability to parent all children in my house equally, privacy (via hubby's ex and the stepkids), money, space in my home (i.e. a smaller mortgage), time with my husband....
now i don't exactly MIND some of these things, but i have given them up....
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Not much except some privacy and intimacy from time-to-time when stepkids were living with us temporarily.
I was very ready to not be single any longer when I first asked my wife out. I was also very ready to stay single if that's what occurred. One requirement, however, if I was going to get involved in a committed relationship was that whatever woman it was with have no children at home.
Being an empty nester was something I was not going to give up on any long-term basis.
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*I have given up many long, lonely nights.
*I have given up the fact that I'll never have children to raise and inspire and love.
*I have given up a large empty home to one full of love and laughter and the occasional broken something-or-other.
*I have given up being selfish.
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I have given up the ability to move and accept a position in my field. I worked on my degree for 9 years, so it hurts to give that up. I've also given up the ability to go to grad school, with child support, there is no way we could afford it. I have given up respect from other people, because it seems as soon as someone finds out you're a stepmother, they "assume the worst" about you.
Knowing what I know now would I do it again? In a heartbeat. I may occasionally mourn for what I've given up, but I've received so much more from my DH that its worth it.
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i left my family to move closer to ss so that hubby didn't have to worry about when the next time he got to see him again would be. so i guess i gave up my family in some sense.
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I have given up my privacy, and some of my sanity. My 12 year old stepdaughter is very snoopy and we catch her listening her father and I are talking, or she will stop on the stairs when she hears me pick up the phone, it drives me nuts! Her mother is pretty much the same way, except the mother has a screw loose. My boyfriend's brother caught my boyfriend's ex peeking in my windows one day! Now if I want to have a conversation, I lock myself in my room, I can't even talk in my own house!!!
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(In reply to the above): I deal with that, too. Only I have to watch what I say because hubby is deathly afraid of his ex finding out any detail of our lives. I understand that his ex doesn't need to know everything (nor do I want her to!) but sometimes I feel like I can't talk about anything when my stepdaughter is around. Hubby has this list of stuff that he doesn't want her to know about. Not that any of these things are bad, he just doesn't want it getting back to his ex. It's irritating always having to think so much about what I'm going to say. I have to think about whether my stepdaughter is in earshot and I have to think about if this topic is okay or not.
And my stepdaughter isn't even (usually) a nosey girl! She's not a blabber mouth or a gossip. The thing is that she *knows* how her mom is and I know that she wouldn't go blabbing all of our personal stuff to her mom. Oh, well. If it makes hubby feel better...
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I usually try not to think about what I've given up - it makes me sad. And I know that hubby is worth it all - he is truly my soulmate and the man I want to spend my life with. Having said that, I know in my heart that I've given up so much:
Having raised 3 biological kids, I've given up the peace of not having demands from children at home. Instead I gained eight more years of sacrificing what I want and need, to raise a child, only this time the child is not mine and was not raised with my values.
I've given up the right to live with only those I love. I do not love my stepdaughter. I find her irritating and stressful to live with. I'm pretty sure that will not ever change.
I've given up expressing my feelings in reaction to my stepdaughter. Instead, I try to be kind and thoughtful to someone who is immature and attention seeking most of the time. Is this making me a better person? I don't know. I find it very stressful and difficult.
One thing I have not given up is the hope that one day she will move out, and I will be able to enjoy my life with hubby so much more, without the constant demands of his daughter. We will be able to go where we please, when we please, and do WHATEVER we please, in our own home.
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i've given up:
*time- to get all the work, notes, etc of keeping track of hubby's ex and her crap for my husband's money-attorneys, etc
*my ability to be a stay at home mom
*but i have gained a wonderful hubby, a new baby girl, a father for my son, a new home..the positives way out weight the negs
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1st: Most if not all my furnishings. My DH had a fully furnish home and so did I. Since I moved into his home I sold most of my stuff. We did keep my big screen TV.
2nd: My Truck. It was only a few years old in beautiful shape but simply non functional when it cam to driving the family around.
3rd: My dream home. As a result of BM's sabotage and down right mischief they lost everything and had to file bankrupcy. The only home "I" could afford for the family is not my first choice.
4th: as a result of # 3 we could not afford a vasectomy reversal to have our own children and I am getting close to the dangerous age.
5th: We cannot move to a more affordable area.
6th: Piece of mind. I now have an uncontrollable variable in my life that affects me and my family regularly (BM).
Despite all the above: I got a terrific husband and two amazing boys.
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Oh my gosh! I can't think of even one thing! Hey, that's great!
But I came into this relationship with the intent to NEVER be resentful about anything... So whenever I'm upset about something, I'm brutally honest with him. He's the same way back, so nothing is left to fester. Even with my stepdaugher and her issues... I don't feel that I've given anything up...I wouldn't have a relationship with her anyway, so nothing is lost.
And I've gained so very, very, very much with hubby... without having to change myself at all. We're honest to each other and we compromise everyday. As long as we do that, we'll never be giving-up more than we intended.
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I gave up my personal space, peaceful living existence, my car, my gas, my extra money, my weekends of travel and enjoyment in exchange for looking at a bm with a nasty attitude, my mental health, my serenity, my healthy outlook on marriage ( I detest the thought of it), my sex life, my bed, my favorite tv, my favorite movies, dating, singlehood, exercise, movies, dinner with friends, telephone conversations with good old friends unless I take a day off from work to catch up with everybody, days of solitude, being able to use the bathroom without hubby needing to come in and shave, church service on Sundays kid is to visit, a feeling of well-being and relaxation replaced by chaos, and general resentment of hubby and problems. Don't get me wrong, I do have my good moments.
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When I met hubby, I had never been married, and had no children of my own. He came with a high-maintenance ex-wife, three children and two grandchildren. But couldn't it be that the majority of the adaptations I made were simply from moving from independent singlehood to being married?
What I didn't give up:
Independence -- that would have happened if hubby had also been single and child-free.
Freely scheduled vacations -- hubby has fewer vacation days than I do, and his job is more restrictive about when they can be taken. Again, a change that would have occurred anyway.
What I did give up:
Financial peace -- I don't really begrudge the kids here (I expected DH/we would help with the youngest's education), but the ex. I married hubby knowing that child support ends at X time, and the "voluntary" alimony he was paying would end at "y" time. His ex is now panicking and is demanding periodic alimony (she wants $650 a month until she marries again). This was NOT what I signed on for.
Now, hubby and I each do fairly well, so that $650 a month (being negotiated now) would not kill us. But it gnaws at me like nothing else! I know that got a bit off track, but I guess the message is that, going in, one expects his kids to always remain a priority/opportunity/burden, but one often doesn't realize that the ex-wife is forever, too.
What the jury is still out on:
Not having my own child -- I'm 38 and he is 51 with a 20-year-old vasectomy. He has said he would get a reversal if I really want a child, but that he is very happy the way things are now. He does have a bit of a "been there, done that" attitude, but is careful not to manifest it much with me. And of course there are always the attendant issues of cost, probability of success of a reversal, my own untested fertility at 38, etc. His main concern is that we -- particularly he -- are really too old to take this on now. I can't really fault that logic. I married him because I love him, I love being with him, and I love the things we can do together. If we have a child -- or children -- it will change the relationship. We'll get the last one out of school and then look to each other for enjoyment in our retiring years. But rather than being in our forties or fifties like a traditional couple, we could be 62 and 75. Even if he had never been married or had kids, he still would have been 49 when I! met him. I can't change the math.
So, some days I am resentful that (because he has already experienced it three times) having a child with me is not something that ever crosses his mind as something HE would like. Other days I am resentful of myself for choices I have made which made me as a never-married and child-free person at age 37. (Note to young women -- great grades, graduate school, community involvement and a big paycheck may not guarantee complete fulfillment).
So who is to blame for this? I don't think every disappointment has to have fault assigned. Sometimes disappointments are just that -- disappointments. And if the wonderful life I have had both without and with hubby also leads to some disappointments, so be it.
How to deal with it all? Just the way I wrote it out above -- by analyzing it. No sense in obsessing over something inevitable. No sense in obsessing over something over which one has no control. And most of all, realizing that his ex and his kids are not the bogeyman. Just like the ex-wife can't always use the new wife as a scapegoat -- we can't always use her or the kids.
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I guess for me, if I had to give-up something that I didn't want to... then I would be resentful. If I had to give-up something that was OK to give... I wouldn't be resentful. So the idea in our relationship is to not give-up anything we don't willingly want to give. (Of course that takes a lot of compromising from time to time!) In that token, I don't really feel like I've "had" to give-up anything. I gave it away with a smile.
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Ya know... the things I willingly gave-up are very few. Guess I'm lucky. In most cases the things I gave-up ...I did so in order to receive even a better deal. For example, I gave-up going to Montana to see my brother/sister-in-law at Christmas ... but hubby has asked them to come visit us this year AT HIS EXPENSE. So I really can't complain!
I suppose the only thing I can really point to giving-up is a bit of my time and patience. But that has nothing to do with the stepkids at all.... it's only with hubby. He's a bulldozer and a very passionate person....It takes a lot of patience and time to get him to listen or understand.
I don't mind it at all, but I've had friends tell me that no one on this earth could "handle him" as well as I do. I really don't think of it as "handling" .... but communicating with him does take more energy than any other person I've met or been with.
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I went from independent and single to married with a stepson.
1. Privacy - ie, from walking around naked to stepson possibly telling his mother about our home and our ways
2. Quiet - especially while I'm sick
3. Peace - ie, drama from stepson's mother
4. Not being able to just lay down after a particularly annoying day at work
5. Eating only one portion of a meal for dinner (ie, just broccoli or noodles)
6. Cooking for one
7. Reading without blah blah blah going on
Ok, here's what I've learned:
1. Just walk around naked in my bedroom and not care what he talks about in his mother's home
2. Get used to noise
3. How to deal with difficult people without turning into one
4. Fly on autopilot for awhile and eat decent meals
5. Cook a decent dinner
6. The joy of no leftovers
7. Being able to read with blah blah blah going on
8. How to be a (quasi) role model for a child
9. How to keep my cool even though a lovely 6-year-old was happy to push my buttons
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First of all... the plan was to have a kid of my own...
I gave up my job (the better to be home for kid and stepdaughter... but if we hadn't had stepdaughter then likely I wouldn't have stopped working until I was actually pregnant)
I gave up my own owned home (if I wasn't working then living where hubby lived would have a lower cost of living and the proceeds from my home sale could go toward a new, theoretically cheaper home).
I gave up my friends (moved in with hubby 75 miles from my old home)
I gave up my family (all my family is long distance and since I wasn't working we no longer had the funds for me to visit as I used to)
I gave up loads of self esteem (this is really due to issues with hubby, but then again if we didn't have my stepdaughter then I wouldn't have moved and quit my job and the balance of power would have been much more fair)
I gave up my gone kitty, the one that died possibly due to lack of medical attention (a money and esteem issue because if I still had a job we'd have had the money for my kitty's care and I've already explained that my self esteem took a beating).
I gave up my dream of having my own biological child (by the time we knew that we couldn't have one without help there was no way I could see myself withstanding the stress that using medical intervention would mean when added to all the other huge stress in my life, esp. given that it would have cost a ton of money which gets back to the money issues caused in part by my not working).
When I look back I gave up almost every single thing that meant anything to me.
And in return I got...
High blood pressure
The self esteem of mushed ant
Depression and anti-depressant medication >br>Memory loss and lack of direction
On the up side, the tide is finally starting to turn maybe... hubby is finally taking steps to make himself a better husband, he's finally allowing me to be the parent he has always claimed he wanted me to be in my stepdaughter's life, and we're talking about adoption.
(Oh, and don't forget that I'm fully financially supporting a kid that isn't mine because her mother is shiftless and hubby doesn't see the point in pursuing child support from someone that has never in her entire life worked a full time job and still at the age of 34 sponges off her parents.)
Even with the tide turning I would never ever do this again... not just with hubby, but with any man.
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Long story short. My stepdaughter's b-day is Valentine's day. At first her mother was not going to be able to make the celebration due to "plans", which we are sure involve new boyfriend. ANYWAY!! I was feeling a bit like this: 9 years ago tomorrow, the skids came to live with us. So, Valentine's Day of 1994 is the last time hubby and I celebrated it in any remotely romantic way. And his ex has plans on her daughters B-day?! Hard for me to swallow!! Go on, ex, have a good time!! I've spent the last 9 Valentine's Day doing what a decent mom would....celebrating YOUR daughter's birthday!! Pay no mind it's a milestone b-day (13!) We got this. You go be romantic. Maybe you can let me know what romance is like! So, I gave up romantic occassions!
I gave up FREEDOM!!
I gave up relaxation.
I gave up MONEY.
I gave up privacy.
I gave up quiet times
I gave up having a second child of my own, which REALLY hurts when I'm in the right mood.
I gave up enjoying my pregnancy...I was miserable during the whole thing, while we all adjusted to the step-family life.
The list is really endless. The one I've always had the hardest time with is the freedom. I always resented that when their mom threw away her kids, she got the freedom that I gave up.
I realize, that having my own child, I would have given up some of these things anyway. But on my own time, and in my own way! It's easier (and cheaper!!) to take one kid to dinner than 4! Less running around with only one. Less money spent on only one. Less energy on one. Wow, it looks like I gave up more than I ever realized! But....they are worth it, and I love them very much. Still, I resent it from time to time.
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All my Skids are grown and moved out, but for a time, I did make many sacrifices. But it has turned out to be worth it. What I gave up:
1. The "honeymoon period"
2. Money. We paid for my stepdaughter's braces, numerous doctor bills, and put her through private school. Not that I'm complaining, hubby and I both agreed on these things.
3. Privacy
4. Not as much time alone with hubby as I would have liked.
5. At times, I felt that I had given up my position as the wife when my stepdaughter was around.
6. Peace and quiet.
7. Looking forward to weekends.
What I delayed:
Buying a house. We could not afford one until my stepdaughter graduated from private school and when we no longer had to pay child support.
What I have gained:
1. Stepchildren who are now adults and are my friends.
2. Grandchildren from a stepson.
3. Wisdom. I have learned how to be discerning in relationships, how to set boundaries. I have learned not to judge people on the surface, but to try to understand their situation first, before I come to a conclusion.
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The biggest thing I've given up is the freedom to openly discuss certain things, whether it be with hubby, a friend, or family member, when my stepdaughter is around. I am not at liberty to do so because my stepdaughter has the HORRIBLE habit of repeating everything to her mother like a parakeet. Anything I talk about isn't "bad," it's just personal, and because she knows many of my relatives and friends, she would know who I'm talking with or about. I also can't discuss personal things such as finances and such when she's around. It bothers me because I feel like I have to "look over my back" to make sure she's not lurking about eavesdropping, like she LOVES to do.
Other times, hubby and I will be discussing something meaningless, like we were two weeks ago, and she'll start butting in. It's so freaking annoying! I was telling hubby that I forgot to invite a certain couple to our SuperBowl Party. My stepdaughter was in her bathroom cleaning her face. She calls out from there, "Who are X and X?" I ignored her and continued talking to hubby about it. I was waiting for her to come out and get in our faces about it so I could say, "This conversation doesn't concern you so don't worry about who X and X are." She is SO nosey, just like her mother. Always wanting to jump into other people's conversations or listen in on what others are talking about. A not so attractive, but very irritating quality they both possess.
In the event I must discuss something I can't wait to talk about, I will talk in Spanish, so she doesn't understand. She hates it when I do that, but she also knows that I do that so she won't understand.
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Plain and simple, I've given up a conflict-free life.
Not that hubby's ex would provide the only source of conflict throughout my entire life...but she certainly has for the past nine years. The stress of having to deal with her, trying to stay one step ahead of her and trying to be the bigger person gets overwhelming at times.
