1. Remember in dealing with stepkids that they will not always learn as quickly as we would like them to learn. Not having a parent-child bond with them makes me quicker to judge, less protective of skid. I try to counter this by remembering that I (or any adults I know) don't learn lessons the first few times they are presented, it takes repetition and dealing with the consequences to drive a lesson home. 2. It is not your job to save your stepkids from their biological parents. Just because they are not being raised how you would raise them, or their parents are not emphasizing what *you* think is important, they are not being neglected. Manners, eating different types of food, doing laundry a certain way aren't worth the battle, from what I've read here on [a stepparent] board. Learn to let it go, as it simply isn't worth it.

3. Not harping on your spouse about stepkids will help him/her to see the issues that you think need change. Getting critical of their kids will cause him to raise his protective hackles and focus his anger/ yucky feelings on you instead of the issue. Broach the issue with care and from a "what can we do" side instead of "your kid won't ______." This helps your spouse to remember that you are on his/her side, not someone s/he needs to defend his children against.

4. I don't have [to deal with an ex in my situation], but it seems that [stepparents] that have very little to no dealing with their spouse's ex are the happiest.

5. Remember your kids come first. Stepkids already have two parents, make sure not to neglect your own children in caring for skids. Chances are your kids will remember.

6. Unpopular advice warning!!!! No matter how your spouse tries to demonize the ex, remember this is a person s/he once loved enough to marry, enough to have children with. I realize not all of our spouses were married to the ex, but there was something that drew him to her once upon a time. It is very easy to bond *against* someone or something, but recognize your spouse's anger/ fear/ insert negative emotion and try to take it out of the situation. If your spouse really thought the ex was a psycho at the time and knocked her up anyway, a closer look at your relationship may be in order. At the very least, be thankful for the ex, s/he made your spouse who s/he is today.

7. Remember that women identify themselves by their children. Use care when dealing with her children. You are not their mother, as much as you mother them. Don't get in a match regarding a label. Your spouse should recognize your parenting, but antagonizing the ex will cause nothing but trouble in your life. Don't poke a mother bear with cubs, don't purposefully make her feel threatened, even if you are doing *all* of the work (as I am). You are in their lives because you choose to be involved with your spouse.

8. When dating, make sure your foundation with your partner is strong and secure before you meet his kids. I dated my husband a year before I met my stepson, and this is one of the best things I've done for myself. All of the preliminary issues were settled. We were secure enough in each other to add new issues.

9. A good indicator of how your partner will treat your "together" children is how he treats his kids. I've been disagreed with on this, but I believe the best indication of future behavior is past behavior. Look to how he deals with stress and how he treats you when he is stressed. Chances are, the same will hold true after you are married.

10. I've read quite a bit lately about "why should I have to be the bigger person when the ex doesn't?" Bottom line is that you don't. You choose your reaction. Do you want people to see you as you think they see the ex? Between every action and reaction is a choice of what reaction you will choose. This choice is how you define yourself, how others see you. Who do you want to be? Assertive yet forgiving? Or controlled by your negative emotions and unable to choose a rational reaction? Actions speak louder than words, so choose wisely. You can feel however you want! But the action you choose defines you.

11. Think about how wanting to control a situation is influencing your choice of actions. Personally, when I feel insecure, I try to overcontrol. Recognize the insecurity and work through it. The need for control little unimportant things can make you miserable, I know from experience. Recognize what you can and can't control. It's hard to step back from what you can't control. I tell myself over and over, "this is out of my control, not a reflection of me." It gets easier and easier to step back from overcontrol each time you do it. The first few times are a nightmare. Ask yourself, "will this matter in 5 years? 10?" Probably not. Who cares if the stepkids (insert action). It won't matter in the long run. But your sanity will.

Heather Borst Persson is a stepmom from Atlanta, Georgia.