Can you believe that it's that time of the year again? The holidays are upon us once again, Halloween is finished and soon we will be feasting on Thanksgiving dinners and starting the frantic rush to buy all the perfect gifts for whatever holiday(s) we are celebrating! If you are like me you try not to think about it until the last possible minute. As if our lives are not complicated and hectic enough, let's just throw in some major holidays and sharing a child or three for those holidays. Handling the holidays can be a challenge in a "nuclear" family and they can be downright disastrous in a stepfamily! Most of us have some form of a parenting plan in place that designates when the children will be with which parent during the holidays. If your stepfamily is like mine though the plan may as well be blank because it is never followed. There always ends up being all kinds of negotiating to figure out how to "fairly" share the child's time. It rarely ends up fair for everyone and ther is always someone who is unhappy with the way things end up. If you are a stepparent this can especially frustrating if your spouse and their ex do not include you in the negotiating.

I will never forget my first Thanksgiving as a stepmom. My husband and his ex decided to split the day with my stepdaughter. My stepdaughter would spend the first part of the day with her mom and the last half with us. I can remember picking her up at the meeting place and it was already dark. We had a full night planned and waiting for us: we would first go to my in-laws for a meal there, followed by a meal at my dad's family, then a meal with my mom's family, last but not least a family meal with my husband, stepdaughter and myself.

Perhaps you can imagine that night, the night that led me to two words: Never Again! On the ride to my in-laws we wanted to have time to have a pleasant chat with the three of us but instead my stepdaughter wanted to talk all about the Thanksgiving that she had already experienced. Then she told us how full she was, that she had never eaten so much in her entire life. We got to my in-laws and the place was buzzing with kids and adults in the holiday spirit. My stepdaughter captivated everyone with her story of the elaborate meal and festivities that she had already had earlier. Not to offend she ate some dinner there. We couldn't stay too long because we still had three other meals ahead of us, everyone whined and complained that we just got there as we left.

We got to my dad's family gathering and everyone there was starving, glad to see us and and even more glad to start eating! Again, we heard the story of my stepdaughter's fabulous Thanksgiving festivities spent at my husband's ex's house. She was so full and didn't want to eat so she talked and talked as everyone else ate. My family pretended to be interested, not wanting to be rude. Then we had to rush off and go to my mom's festivities, which thankfully we didn't have to eat any more dinner because they were making a big deal out Thanksgiving desert that year, we got to hear more stories of festivities earlier that day.

By the time that we got home and warmed up the Thanksgiving meal that we had prepared earlier and warmed up when we got back nobody was even remotely hungry. I think we all ate about three bites, we were so full and so tired that we didn't even care about the great meal in front of us that we had spent so much time preparing to be our first special "family" Thanksgiving meal.

Needless to say I learned a big lesson that day. Even though that was quite a few years ago now, I have not forgotten that lesson. I have learned the value of planning ahead and the value of not cramming everything into six short hours. During the holidays we spread things out. Here are some tips that I follow for every holiday and they are very helpful and reduce the stress so much:

1. We don't go to everyone's house every Thanksgiving. We will either rotate years or will take advantage of the whole weekend and use the other three days for festivities!

2. We don't try to plan everything for when my stepdaughter is with us. Especially with my family, they love it when we bring her but they also understand how difficult it is on us to plan everything in the limited time that we have with her. This is helpful when we rotate years.

3. Breathe, relax, enjoy the holidays. It is no fun when everyone is stressed out trying to get from one place to another. When we can just stop and enjoy the moments it is amazing how much more smoothly everything flows. Focus on the good times.

4. Lower the high expectations. Don't try to make everyone happy because you never will be able to. People will adjust and understand how hard it is for you to gracefully handle the holidays. Don't expect everything to go perfectly, don't expect to make everyone happy. Don't get bent out of shape when things don't go as expected...and believe me, plenty of things will not go as expected!

So, remember to relax and ENJOY the holidays. They aren't meant to be stressful times and if we focus on making them positive we CAN have a good time!