One day I had just finished some grocery shopping, I had my cart overflowing with groceries and other needed items. I was anxious to get home because I had a lot to do after I unloaded all the groceries. To my dismay when I got to the line I saw that there were literally ten people in each line and it didn't look like any of the lines were moving very fast at all. I was very frustrated and I felt like everything was out of my control...I thought that everything at home would fall apart if I didn't get home ASAP. As I stood in one of the long lines I was fuming, I was mad at people expecting me to be home at a certain time and mad at all the full lines. Since I was in that line for a long time, I had the chance to think for a while and I realized that I did actually have control over more than I felt like I did. If I really needed to get home, I could just leave my cart and go home. It would have been a waste of the forty minutes I had just spent putting items into the cart, even though it was not ideal it *was* a choice. I also had the choice to make the best of the situation that I was in and I was able to have a nice chat with someone else who was frustrated with the wait. Just knowing that I had choices and making the best of them helped me through the situation. Over the years of being a stepmom I have learned more about control than I ever thought possible. I have learned what I can control and what I cannot control, and knowing the difference between the two is a very valuable life skill. Although not the same as waiting in a long line, it is very beneficial to recognize and use my choices as a stepmom. I have spent too much time not seeing my choices and also getting mad at others because my choices are not the choices I would rather have. When I was in the grocery line, I would have rather had the choice of a short line, but that was not the reality of my choices. I had to make due with what choices I was given, and I have to do that in life as well.

When I was first married, I was blind-sided by all of the stepfamily issues that I never saw coming. I came into the marriage with the same dreams and ideals that many stepmoms do. I thought that because my husband and I loved each other we could get through any difficulty just with our love. I thought that his daughter and the two of us would become a happy little family right off the bat. I thought that my stepdaughter and I would make a great pair, having many great girls-only times. I thought that my husband would support me in helping to raise her and discipline her as needed. I thought that we would start having "ours" children early into the marriage. I didn't think that his ex would give us any problems, I thought that we would be friends and things would run smoothly with her. That's how *my* parents did it and I didn't know anything about a thing called PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) where one parent tries to destroy the relationship between the other parent and the child.

Because I was blind-sided by all of these issues, I had no time and no way to prepare myself for everything that happened the first few months of my marriage. Most of the time I was simply reacting to the situations without thinking. I was angry not only because of what was happening but also because of the shock factor -- I did not sign up for any of this! Nothing that was happening to me was part of the deal and nobody warned me what things would be like. I blamed everyone for what they were doing to me and was pretty content staying stuck in my anger and martyrdome. I didn't know that there was a way out, that I could make the choices to change aspects of my situation. The only two choices that I saw were: divorce or stay married. I did not want to get divorced, so I stayed married but I was miserable...feeling as though I had no choices within my choice to stay married. I made that choice day after painful day.

One day I was introduced to an essay called "Disengaging" by some online friends trying to help me. The first couple of times that I read through it I didn't think that it would help me, I thought that it was great for the author but not something that I could implement in my family. Not too long after that, I had a blow-out with my husband regarding one of the stepfamily issues and I decided that I had had it and I decided that I was going to disengage. I skipped the step of sitting everyone down and explaining what changes were going to take place, I just jumped into disengaging. I suddenly stopped doing anything remotely close to parent my stepdaughter. I didn't fight with her to get her ready for bed or ready for the day in the mornings. I simply stopped everything that I was doing for her that was going unappreciated by both her and my husband. Disengaging was a difficult choice for me, but one that proved very useful. After some time, I found that both of them were happier with me and we were arguing less. Eventually he saw that his lack of parenting was turning his child into a spoiled child (because I was not there dealing with her behavior anymore) and he did start to parent her.

It has helped me to understand what I can and cannot control. At first I was going to make a list of things that I can control and a list of those which I cannot but then it became obvious to me that a list was not necessary. Why? Because the only things that I can control are my thoughts, feelings and actions. The only things that I cannot control are the thoughts, feelings and actions of everyone else: my husband, his child, his ex, our neighbors, etc. Once I accepted the *reality* that I cannot control other people it was actually a big burden off my shoulders. I'm not responsible for the thoughts and actions of anyone except myself, but there are things that I can do to control how others actions affect me. If my stepchild is being rude to me I can leave the room until she decides to be nicer. If my husband's ex calls my home and I answer and she starts screaming profanities, I can hang up the phone. If my husband is stressing out about things going on in life, I can take a deep breath and just be a listening ear. I don't have to get stressed out myself, but if I do start to get stressed out I can tell him that I need a break because I am getting stressed out.

Sometimes it is much more difficult to figure out what I can control, there are things that happen that seem so out of control that I couldn't possibly control anything. For instance the time that my husband's ex was withholding his daughter and denying my husband his court-given visitation and demanding more money from us at the same time. We had to get an attorney and go to court and get into debt over the mess, only to have the judge slap her on the wrist and tell her to start following the court custody papers. It seems like it is especially hard to find what you can control when someone is hitting your bank account. It took us years to pay off that debt from having to go to court, and the ex's behavior did not improve much because all she got was a verbal slap on the wrist. Also, because of the large amount of child support that we have to pay (as well as daycare, medical, extra curricular activities...) we have had to do with a lot less while the ex literally lives a life of luxury because when she remarried she married a very wealthy man and the courts do not look at her new husband's income when figuring child support. For times like that, I really have to work hard not let bitterness, resentment, and anger control me. I have to find peace in the situation somehow or I will go crazy and be angry all the time, which is no way to live. Not only does it literally make me sick but I am allowing that ex to have control over me! No way do I want that, I want to have control over me...when we can be happy despite what she does to us it drives her crazy. Not a bad side effect of taking control of my life! ;) I have found ways to help me feel better when I have very little control: exercise, listening to calm music, online stepparent support groups, meditation, prayer, affirmations for example. A very big part of letting go is simply to accept that I cannot control the situation and to quit trying to control it. It doesn't do much good to try to control something that I can't control, it just makes me miserable. At least I can control myself, many people don't even have that luxury...they think that they are controlled by their circumstances and that's why they act out and try to control others.