One Stepmom answers very honestly...

The only, and I do mean only, way I would even consider getting involved in a relationship with a guy with kids is with all of the following criteria being met:

1. If the biological mother is deceased--not living in a hut in Timbuktu for the rest of her natural days. Nope, if she's alive she has the potential of coming back and trying to ruin our lives. If there is a living BM: FORGET IT!

2. The child/children are under two. If they are still in diapers then chances are they will be far more accepting of me and won't give me a ration of testing me and testing to see if their father will put them first. They are far sweeter and far more accepting at that age--plus it is so much easier to bond with them!

3. No kids over 18!! Sorry, I'm way too young to even consider a guy with kids that old, plus I've seen too many cases where adult children try to tear apart a new marriage and make the stepmom completely miserable.

4. I'd also ask a lot of questions about his previous marriage. If I hear a lot of blaming, whining and self-piting then forget it! If they had a healthy marriage (she's dead, remember?) then I would consider.

5. I would also see how he is around his family. I had heard prior to getting married that how they treat their parents is how they will treat you. If he is always arguing with them, complaining about them and ungrateful for what they have done for him--red flag! But, if he's helping mom clean the dishes, I'll know I have a winner!

6. Of course I'd want to see how he interacts with his children and how he talks about them. If he insists on bringing them on all of our dates...I'm outta there!

7. If it got to the point of getting really serious I would have a good long talk or two about his views on marriage. I'd want to know who has first priority: kids or spouse. What does he think the key to a good marriage is? What worked and didn't work in his previous marriage. I would want to know what he thought his faults were in previous marriage. I would want to know what he thought his late wife's faults were.

8. Of course I would want to know that he had moved on from his last marriage and is ready for another relationship. If he had idealized her then I would know I would be in trouble because I am far from perfect!

If I was satisfied that he met all of those criteria, I would consider a serious relationship. Honestly, I would be very leary of jumping into another stepfamily again.

Another stepmom answers...

I'd look for evidence that he takes responsibility for his choices. That when something goes wrong, his immediate response is not to find someone/something else to blame.

I'd look for healthy boundaries with the ex. And that he's not crying about how she 'done him wrong.' That he understands he had a part in the demise of the marriage.

I'd look for a loving PARENTAL (as opposed to friend, partner, or drill sargent) relationship with kids, along with healthy boundaries.

I'd look for evidence of balanced and responsible money management. Bad tippers, or throwing money around, or spoiling kids/over-the-top giving in to their pleas for goods/services/spending $$--get outta here!

I'd look for evidence that he is ready to have a romantic partner in his life--which would include all of the above, plus putting priority on time spent with me, listening, and respecting my needs and feelings.

I'd find all this out by observing, asking questions, and listening. I have FINALLY learned that most of this information is offered in some form without the person even consciously realizing how much information he's providing just by what he chooses to say.

Another stepmom shares her thoughts on how things changed after marriage...

Believe me, once you get married you will resent all of the stuff that seems odd or even fascinating now. Before I was married, I didn't have any feelings towards the BM (biological mother/ex-wife) either good or bad. For some strange reason, I wanted her approval and for her to like me. After marriage, that changed quick. I have struggled with severe negative feelings toward this woman. I suddenly hated her for being with my husband (in the past), for giving him his first child, for more things. None of these feelings did I have PRIOR to marriage. People are NOT joking when they say that things really do change after marriage. Most BMs freak when their ex gets remarried, even if BM is already married herself. I don't get it, but it always seems to happen--and that WILL have an extreme impact on your life and marriage.

If your fiance is really giving to his ex now--trust me, this will NOT NOT NOT change after marriage. I was amazed at how my husband gives so much to this ex that he supposedly hates. After almost three years of marriage, I still find myself amazed at how giving he is to her. Believe me, once you are married, you will severely resent this. You will hate her for it and possibly even him.

If you are uncomfortable with how giving your fiance is with his or her ex, I would demand some changes happen PRIOR to getting married. See how he takes it. Will he honor your insight and feelings? Will he ignore you? Will he tell you that you are just wrong? That would be a very good indicator of how things will go if you were to get married.

And we haven't even hit the subject of the children and how they may relate to you. Some people say that if you get married before the kids are 8, it will be a lot easier. I don't think those people have ever married a guy with kids under 8! They will still test you and try to pit your husband against you, and many kids win that one. When a parent doesn't have their kids full time, they tend to have a lot of guilty feelings and overlook the flaws in their kids. If you are the stepparent pointing these out, you are the bad guy. No matter how great this guy was before marrying you.

Sorry if this is a little overwhelming. But, most people go into stepparenting with no idea of what they are getting themselves into and ignore many warning signs that they later regret not looking deeper into. I was one of those people. Things have gotten a lot better, I do admit. But it has been one very difficult road and there has been a lot of damage done in our relationship. After almost three years of marriage, my stepdaughter and I finally get along. We have our bumps, but we almost get on better than my husband and I. Actually we probably do. And that is what I don't get. My husband blames me for the time lost with his daughter because we argued for the entire first two years of our marriage. If anything, my stepdaugther should resent me but she doesn't. I don't even know how that happened.

It's my husband and I who are working at repairing our relationship. But he still doesn't see what he did to hurt me so I don't know how we will repair it. See, these men can be incapable of seeing how the way that they drop everything for their manipulative ex really hurts us and is very damaging to the marriage. They are also incapable of seeing how they put their children over the marriage and how damaging that is. They may eventually begin to change, but it takes them a long to change, because even when they change they do not really see the damage that they have caused. They honestly think that the damage done in our marriages are our fault, as the stepparent.

I wish that my story was the exeption, but it is not. I have talked with many other stepparents and what I have experienced and also shared here is practically universal. I do very much reccomend that you take the warning signs very seriously and think very very hard about all of this before you consider marriage.