Priorities?
I have heard the argument before (usually from biological parents) that if a single parent gets married then the kids need to be first in the parents life. But usually the same people will also say that the best thing for kids is to see their parents putting each other first. What that logic tells me is this: When a man gets married for the first time he is expected to put his wife first, even after they have children. Then this man and his wife get divorced and suddenly his kids are his first priority. Later the man meets a woman and gets married, he doesn't have to shift his priorities. His new wife is less important than the first was because the husband doesn't have to make this wife his first priority this time around. What's their marriage going to be like once his kids move out? If their marriage is indeed still intact. Statistics show that marriges where the kids are given higher priority than the marriage do not last. Also, I don't see why the second wife is less valuable so that she should have to take second place when the first wife was given first place in this man's priority list. If the new wife is in second place, what happens when they have kids? Are these kids by the second class wife lower on the man's priorities than the children by the first class wife?
It gets so confusing. If the man decided to give his wife first priority he would not be loving his chilren any less, he would be doing them a great favor. He would be giving them a loving home which is made stable by a loving marriage. The children will get to experience seeing a loving marriage first hand. If his wife is in first place she will be more motivated to help him with the children and everyone will be happier. The wife given first priority won't be resentful of her stepkids. I can tell you from personal experience it does a great disservice to a child and your marriage when you put the kids first. My parents are divorced and both put me first. I didn't even WANT to be the first priority in their life!! It made me insecure and I actually acted out because of them telling me that I was their first priority.
I have been on both sides, as a child who has been the first priority of her parents and also a stepmom who was not placed as the first priority in her marriage. I can tell you that from both perspectives it sucks and I was miserable both times. Thankfully, now my husband has me and our marriage as the first priority and I am overall a lot happier. Putting me first doesn't mean that he ignores the needs of his child or always chooses what I want over she wants, nor does it mean that she's being neglected. She's very happy when she is with us and she treats me great, probably because she sees her dad treating me so well. She knows that she is loved and even though she says "Ew!" she loves it that we love each other so much!
When I got married I felt more like it was them (my husband and stepdaughter) and me. They already had their bond, they had all their routines, they had all their memories, they already had their whole life. It felt more like they were a couple and I was an outsider. I came into the home (and we moved into a new place, nobody was infringing on anybody's "territory") and they totally expected that I would just know what all their routines were and just fit neatly into their little world. Surprise, I had my own ideas, my own ways of doing things, my own ideas of how children should behave (ie: not run the house), my own routines...and I did not fit into the cookie cutter that they had been expecting. I was made to feel like a bad person because I was different, I was made to feel that my ideas and the way that I do things were not just different, but WRONG.
It all felt so wrong to me. It felt wrong that my HUSBAND's bond was stronger with his daughter than with me, his wife. It felt wrong that I was constantly being made to feel like a bad person for being different. It felt wrong that my husband let his CHILD have more of a say in household matters than I did. It felt wrong that *I*, his wife, was expected to just go along with what the two of them wanted when he never made *her*, his CHILD go along with any plan that he & I had made. If she said no, then we didn't do it. If I said no, I got scolded. It felt wrong because it was wrong. You aren't supposed to give your child everything that they want while treating your wife like a child!
When we marry a man with kids, the natural order of things is already messed up. The natural order is that the husband and wife spend some time together (nature usually gives at least 9 months!) to get to know each other and to bond and forge a strong relationship. Then when the kids come along, the husband and wife are united and both get to start with the same children at the same time and they are able to help and support each other with the children and the children learn to love and respect the husband and wife at the same time and get to bond while they are babies. (Yeah, I know, in a perfect world.) We stepmoms miss out on all that and our marriages are off balance, at least for a little while, because of this because the order has been messed up. We have to work and fight for our bond and relationship with our husbands and we have to work and fight ten times harder for a bond and relationship with our stepkids...if we even want it!
But the good news is that if we do work hard, if we have outside support, if we can have patience and determination and long-suffering we can get our marriage to be bonded and loving. It's not easy and it's not quick. They say that a normal marriage takes about a year to feel like a family but that it takes stepfamilies FIVE years to feel like a family. I've been married five years and we mostly feel like a family (except that I don't consider my stepdaughter to be "mine") and it has been a long hard road. I have had to grow up a lot (I was still a child when I married fresh out of college) and learn a lot about myself, my husband, my stepdaughter, and stepfamilies in general. I have had to get help to get past my own issues from growing up in a divorced home full of emotional and verbal abuse.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's there, and I finally believe that I will make it out of this tunnel alive and in love with my husband. I went from being head-over-heals in love with him (when we were dating) to all out resentment and hatred (after dealing with all this step-stuff) in the last five years. We have been working through some issues and things have been steadily starting to improve (with valleys thrown in with the peaks) and now we are back to looking lovingly in each other's eyes and grabbing each other's rears. It's okay to tease each other again. He tells me numerous times every day that I am beautiful.
Yes, I have given up a lot. I've been put through a lot. I have put him through a lot. But, it finally looks like there is a pot of gold at the end of this. I'm sure that I will appreciate our love more than if we hadn't had to go through so much stuff to get here. I didn't think that we would ever get to this point. It's just a start, things aren't totally fixed. But it's a start, it's a light at the end of the tunnel, it's hope where there was none before. It's possible! We can still get what we missed even if we have to wait a while.
We've both learned a lot about priorities and have learned to put our marriage in the right spot in order to make the whole family work. It has just taken a lot longer than it would have if we were a "normal" or "nuclear" family.
It gets so confusing. If the man decided to give his wife first priority he would not be loving his chilren any less, he would be doing them a great favor. He would be giving them a loving home which is made stable by a loving marriage. The children will get to experience seeing a loving marriage first hand. If his wife is in first place she will be more motivated to help him with the children and everyone will be happier. The wife given first priority won't be resentful of her stepkids. I can tell you from personal experience it does a great disservice to a child and your marriage when you put the kids first. My parents are divorced and both put me first. I didn't even WANT to be the first priority in their life!! It made me insecure and I actually acted out because of them telling me that I was their first priority.
I have been on both sides, as a child who has been the first priority of her parents and also a stepmom who was not placed as the first priority in her marriage. I can tell you that from both perspectives it sucks and I was miserable both times. Thankfully, now my husband has me and our marriage as the first priority and I am overall a lot happier. Putting me first doesn't mean that he ignores the needs of his child or always chooses what I want over she wants, nor does it mean that she's being neglected. She's very happy when she is with us and she treats me great, probably because she sees her dad treating me so well. She knows that she is loved and even though she says "Ew!" she loves it that we love each other so much!
When I got married I felt more like it was them (my husband and stepdaughter) and me. They already had their bond, they had all their routines, they had all their memories, they already had their whole life. It felt more like they were a couple and I was an outsider. I came into the home (and we moved into a new place, nobody was infringing on anybody's "territory") and they totally expected that I would just know what all their routines were and just fit neatly into their little world. Surprise, I had my own ideas, my own ways of doing things, my own ideas of how children should behave (ie: not run the house), my own routines...and I did not fit into the cookie cutter that they had been expecting. I was made to feel like a bad person because I was different, I was made to feel that my ideas and the way that I do things were not just different, but WRONG.
It all felt so wrong to me. It felt wrong that my HUSBAND's bond was stronger with his daughter than with me, his wife. It felt wrong that I was constantly being made to feel like a bad person for being different. It felt wrong that my husband let his CHILD have more of a say in household matters than I did. It felt wrong that *I*, his wife, was expected to just go along with what the two of them wanted when he never made *her*, his CHILD go along with any plan that he & I had made. If she said no, then we didn't do it. If I said no, I got scolded. It felt wrong because it was wrong. You aren't supposed to give your child everything that they want while treating your wife like a child!
When we marry a man with kids, the natural order of things is already messed up. The natural order is that the husband and wife spend some time together (nature usually gives at least 9 months!) to get to know each other and to bond and forge a strong relationship. Then when the kids come along, the husband and wife are united and both get to start with the same children at the same time and they are able to help and support each other with the children and the children learn to love and respect the husband and wife at the same time and get to bond while they are babies. (Yeah, I know, in a perfect world.) We stepmoms miss out on all that and our marriages are off balance, at least for a little while, because of this because the order has been messed up. We have to work and fight for our bond and relationship with our husbands and we have to work and fight ten times harder for a bond and relationship with our stepkids...if we even want it!
But the good news is that if we do work hard, if we have outside support, if we can have patience and determination and long-suffering we can get our marriage to be bonded and loving. It's not easy and it's not quick. They say that a normal marriage takes about a year to feel like a family but that it takes stepfamilies FIVE years to feel like a family. I've been married five years and we mostly feel like a family (except that I don't consider my stepdaughter to be "mine") and it has been a long hard road. I have had to grow up a lot (I was still a child when I married fresh out of college) and learn a lot about myself, my husband, my stepdaughter, and stepfamilies in general. I have had to get help to get past my own issues from growing up in a divorced home full of emotional and verbal abuse.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's there, and I finally believe that I will make it out of this tunnel alive and in love with my husband. I went from being head-over-heals in love with him (when we were dating) to all out resentment and hatred (after dealing with all this step-stuff) in the last five years. We have been working through some issues and things have been steadily starting to improve (with valleys thrown in with the peaks) and now we are back to looking lovingly in each other's eyes and grabbing each other's rears. It's okay to tease each other again. He tells me numerous times every day that I am beautiful.
Yes, I have given up a lot. I've been put through a lot. I have put him through a lot. But, it finally looks like there is a pot of gold at the end of this. I'm sure that I will appreciate our love more than if we hadn't had to go through so much stuff to get here. I didn't think that we would ever get to this point. It's just a start, things aren't totally fixed. But it's a start, it's a light at the end of the tunnel, it's hope where there was none before. It's possible! We can still get what we missed even if we have to wait a while.
We've both learned a lot about priorities and have learned to put our marriage in the right spot in order to make the whole family work. It has just taken a lot longer than it would have if we were a "normal" or "nuclear" family.
