Sample Expectation List
1. I expect to be treated with respect at all times, even if you are angry or upset. If I feel abused in any way (verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually) I will not hesitate to find someplace else to stay until you can show a change. If I feel threatened I will not hesitate to call the local authorities.
2. I expect our marriage to be an open book. We should both feel free to share any aspect of our marriage with a counselor, church leader, or a trusted friend or relative. If you tell me not to talk about our marriage with anybody that is wrong and I will not stand for it. If you are embarassed about something you are doing you shouldn't be doing it.
3. I want [number] of children. If you cannot agree to this, we really shouldn't be getting married. I don't want you going back on your word about this later, and should you choose to do so don't be mad at me for resenting you severely. I am not joking around about this, I am extremely serious.
4. If I do not feel comfortable seeing your ex, I want that to be respected. I don't want you getting mad at me for this or giving me a guilt trip. If I don't want to go to a drop off or pick up, I want you to respect that. If I don't want your ex in our home, I want him/her to stay out at all times.
5. I expect to have FAR more of say as to what goes on in our home than the following people: your ex, your children, any of our parents, any of our friends or relatives, neighbors, co-workers. I do not want any of these people telling me how to clean my house, do my laundry, decorate, landscape, cook or the like. Nor do I want them telling you and having you tell me to do it their way. Such issues will be discussed and agreed upon between the two of us only.
6. I expect that we will take our vacation time together. I do not want to spend my vacation time alone nor do I want you spending your vacation time without me. I want at least one vacation a year without children.
7. I want us to have one date night a week. I want this to be a time of romance and building our relationship. A date does not count if I have to cook and clean up after you. Nor does it count if we are sitting at home watching a game or a non-romantic tv show. We should both be focused on making the other feel special. If something comes up once in a while and we cannot have a date night, that is okay, but I would like to make a date night the norm and not the exception.
8. I expect to have a certain amount of alone time and also a certain amount of time with my friends and family. If we spend a lot of time with your relatives because of your children, don't be surprised if I take off to spend some time with my family while you are with your family.
9. I am not marrying you so that I can become your maid and nanny. I want to share household responsibilities and I want to agree on this before we get married. I would like do the following chores: (list them here). I would like for you to the following: (list them). I would like to share the following: (list them and how you would like to share). I am not going to do all the dirty work while you are living the easy life with your children at my expense.
10. I expect you to allow me to develop a relationship and bond with your children at a rate that feels natural for both the children and myself. It is not fair if you were to set demands on me about how I should feel about them. It will take time, and I expect you to support all my efforts and be patient. They are not my children and I do not feel the same way about them that you do. Hopefully in time I will grow to love them like my own, but I cannot do that without your support.
11. I expect my personal belongings to be respected. I do not want anyone using anything of mine without asking first. If someone breaks or ruins something of mine, I expect an apology. Just because I bring something into the home does not make it a free-for-all. Respecting my property is a way of respecting me. I am not trying to be selfish, I am only asking for the same respect that anyone else would want.
12. I expect to have an equal say as to how all of our money is spent. If the children need something, we need to discuss this before we purchase anything. We need to discuss how much we will limit ourselves to spending and then stick with it. Anything over $50 definitely needs to be discussed beforehand.
13. If the children are with us and you need to be somewhere, I expect you to discuss this with me first. I expect you to ask me if I can or am willing to watch your children. I am not a built-in baby-sitter and I want my time and space to be respected, I do not want you assuming that I will watch them because you have someplace else to be.
14. When we are having a disagreement, I expect us to work it out and not go to any other person for comfort. It is not okay to give your children a lot of affection because you are frustrated with me. If you think otherwise, check out some information on emotional incest.
2. I expect our marriage to be an open book. We should both feel free to share any aspect of our marriage with a counselor, church leader, or a trusted friend or relative. If you tell me not to talk about our marriage with anybody that is wrong and I will not stand for it. If you are embarassed about something you are doing you shouldn't be doing it.
3. I want [number] of children. If you cannot agree to this, we really shouldn't be getting married. I don't want you going back on your word about this later, and should you choose to do so don't be mad at me for resenting you severely. I am not joking around about this, I am extremely serious.
4. If I do not feel comfortable seeing your ex, I want that to be respected. I don't want you getting mad at me for this or giving me a guilt trip. If I don't want to go to a drop off or pick up, I want you to respect that. If I don't want your ex in our home, I want him/her to stay out at all times.
5. I expect to have FAR more of say as to what goes on in our home than the following people: your ex, your children, any of our parents, any of our friends or relatives, neighbors, co-workers. I do not want any of these people telling me how to clean my house, do my laundry, decorate, landscape, cook or the like. Nor do I want them telling you and having you tell me to do it their way. Such issues will be discussed and agreed upon between the two of us only.
6. I expect that we will take our vacation time together. I do not want to spend my vacation time alone nor do I want you spending your vacation time without me. I want at least one vacation a year without children.
7. I want us to have one date night a week. I want this to be a time of romance and building our relationship. A date does not count if I have to cook and clean up after you. Nor does it count if we are sitting at home watching a game or a non-romantic tv show. We should both be focused on making the other feel special. If something comes up once in a while and we cannot have a date night, that is okay, but I would like to make a date night the norm and not the exception.
8. I expect to have a certain amount of alone time and also a certain amount of time with my friends and family. If we spend a lot of time with your relatives because of your children, don't be surprised if I take off to spend some time with my family while you are with your family.
9. I am not marrying you so that I can become your maid and nanny. I want to share household responsibilities and I want to agree on this before we get married. I would like do the following chores: (list them here). I would like for you to the following: (list them). I would like to share the following: (list them and how you would like to share). I am not going to do all the dirty work while you are living the easy life with your children at my expense.
10. I expect you to allow me to develop a relationship and bond with your children at a rate that feels natural for both the children and myself. It is not fair if you were to set demands on me about how I should feel about them. It will take time, and I expect you to support all my efforts and be patient. They are not my children and I do not feel the same way about them that you do. Hopefully in time I will grow to love them like my own, but I cannot do that without your support.
11. I expect my personal belongings to be respected. I do not want anyone using anything of mine without asking first. If someone breaks or ruins something of mine, I expect an apology. Just because I bring something into the home does not make it a free-for-all. Respecting my property is a way of respecting me. I am not trying to be selfish, I am only asking for the same respect that anyone else would want.
12. I expect to have an equal say as to how all of our money is spent. If the children need something, we need to discuss this before we purchase anything. We need to discuss how much we will limit ourselves to spending and then stick with it. Anything over $50 definitely needs to be discussed beforehand.
13. If the children are with us and you need to be somewhere, I expect you to discuss this with me first. I expect you to ask me if I can or am willing to watch your children. I am not a built-in baby-sitter and I want my time and space to be respected, I do not want you assuming that I will watch them because you have someplace else to be.
14. When we are having a disagreement, I expect us to work it out and not go to any other person for comfort. It is not okay to give your children a lot of affection because you are frustrated with me. If you think otherwise, check out some information on emotional incest.
