Tips for Stepparents...From Stepparents
These are tips from other stepparents that have been found to be tried and true. Most of these have been found true by a lot of mistakes! Keep in mind that although these tips have been found to be true by many stepparents, no two stepfamilies are alike. Most of this will apply to most situations, but not all of it will apply to all situations. Give these tips a try and see if they don't work!
Note that this is written as if speaking to stepmoms, but the tips can easily be applied to stepdads, too. Biomom refers to the biological mother of your stepchildren. Skids is short for stepkids. Dh refers to your husband.
1. Set personal boundaries and stick to them! Without personal boundaries, you will probably find yourself as an abused member of your own household. Your boundaries will include how you will let people treat you, how you will let people treat your things, how you will let people treat your time. To learn more about setting appropriate boundaries for yourself, check out the books by Cloud and Townsend: Boundaries, Boundaries in Marriage, and Boundaries with Children.
2. Don’t expect immediate support from your husband. If he is supportive from the beginning, count your blessings. Most stepmoms do not find such support, especially at the beginning of the marriage. How do you know if he is supportive? If you stepchild disrespects you, does he jump to your defense? If you and a stepchild are having a disagreement, does he defend you? If the answer to these questions is yes, then you have a supportive husband! If the answer is no, he always defends his kids to you, he is not supportive. If this is the case, you will want to read the disengaging essay to learn more about what you can do.
In order to avoid frustration on your part, do NOT go running to your husband with problems between you and the skids. You know that he will not support you in the problem. You will need have your boundaries set so that you can deal with the skids when there is a problem. Walking away may be the best option. Remind yourself, “Not my kids, not my problem!” The good news is that as you set boundaries and follow the advice in the disengaging essay, your husband will most likely change his ways! Try your best to be patient—we know how hard that is!
3. Remember that when he defends the skids to you, he wants you to love them as much as he loves them. Keep in mind, also, that in his eyes how you treat his children is how you are treating him. If you criticize them, he will take that as a direct criticism of himself. It is usually best to deal with problems that you have with the skids when dh is not present. If the skids are prone to tattling on you, you will want to word criticisms very carefully.
4. Remember that Dh is neither a mom or a stepmom. He has no idea what you are feeling or why. He has no point of reference, he has no experience being either one. All he knows is being a husband and a father. He really needs you to explain what makes you feel loved, hurt, etc. You may need to repeat yourself a lot before he starts to internalize it.
5. Don’t expect an immediate bond between you and the skids. It will take time and it needs to happen naturally. If you try to force it, the skids will feel it and resent it. Also, don’t let dh make you feel pressured to bond with them quickly. Explain why you want to take it slowly.
6. Allow time and affection for dh and skids. Feeling of jealousy are very, very normal. If you won’t allow them to have time alone together or won’t allow them to show any affection to each other, they will all end up resenting you. Kids really need both from their dad. When you are feeling jealous, it is best to remind yourself what an irrational feeling it is, and then feed your mind some truths to replace the jealous thoughts.
7. Know that your husband loves you. Regardless of how you may be feeling or how he may be acting, he does love you and that is why he chose to marry you. You may need to remind yourself of this in many times when you are feeling just the opposite.
8. Focus on the positive. It is way too easy to focus on all of the negative things going on around you. If you focus on what is positive, you will not only be happier but you will see that there are actually quite a lot of things to be happy about! So grab onto whatever little positives you can find and hold onto those. Don't let the situation or these people turn you into a bitter person.
9. Ignore the biomom. You don’t want to be rude to the mother of your skids (or maybe you do!) but you don’t need to be the one dealing with her. If you find yourself in a situation where you are forced to spend time with her, be cordial. Don’t give her any reason to badmouth you or have ill feelings toward you! Let you dh deal with her: repeat this to yourself next time that she is manipulating your dh, “Not my ex, not my problem!” Leave the room if you can.
10. Be honest with dh about your feelings. DON’T bottle up your feelings! That will only lead to serious resentment, and it will come out in other ways. Talk to him in private about your feelings, tell him straight up how you are feeling. Don’t worry if your feelings will make him mad. He needs to know what you are feeling, even if he doesn’t agree right away. You need to get those feelings out! Don’t use manipulation when sharing your feelings.
11. Get support. Find at least one person or source that you can go to when you are frustrated beyond reason. Find a friend, e-mail pal, web forum or message board, read books, find a counselor, pray.
12. Ask yourself: what if this was a nuclear family? How would things be different? Are you just irritated because they aren’t your kids? What would you do differently? Go make those changes! To get a better idea of how things might run differently in a nuclear family, read this.
13. Expect your marriage to become first priority. Don’t expect it to happen right away, but do expect it to happen! Be patient, because it will take dh a little time to adjust his priorities. The marriage will never work in the long run if the marriage doesn’t come first! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Note that this is written as if speaking to stepmoms, but the tips can easily be applied to stepdads, too. Biomom refers to the biological mother of your stepchildren. Skids is short for stepkids. Dh refers to your husband.
1. Set personal boundaries and stick to them! Without personal boundaries, you will probably find yourself as an abused member of your own household. Your boundaries will include how you will let people treat you, how you will let people treat your things, how you will let people treat your time. To learn more about setting appropriate boundaries for yourself, check out the books by Cloud and Townsend: Boundaries, Boundaries in Marriage, and Boundaries with Children.
2. Don’t expect immediate support from your husband. If he is supportive from the beginning, count your blessings. Most stepmoms do not find such support, especially at the beginning of the marriage. How do you know if he is supportive? If you stepchild disrespects you, does he jump to your defense? If you and a stepchild are having a disagreement, does he defend you? If the answer to these questions is yes, then you have a supportive husband! If the answer is no, he always defends his kids to you, he is not supportive. If this is the case, you will want to read the disengaging essay to learn more about what you can do.
In order to avoid frustration on your part, do NOT go running to your husband with problems between you and the skids. You know that he will not support you in the problem. You will need have your boundaries set so that you can deal with the skids when there is a problem. Walking away may be the best option. Remind yourself, “Not my kids, not my problem!” The good news is that as you set boundaries and follow the advice in the disengaging essay, your husband will most likely change his ways! Try your best to be patient—we know how hard that is!
3. Remember that when he defends the skids to you, he wants you to love them as much as he loves them. Keep in mind, also, that in his eyes how you treat his children is how you are treating him. If you criticize them, he will take that as a direct criticism of himself. It is usually best to deal with problems that you have with the skids when dh is not present. If the skids are prone to tattling on you, you will want to word criticisms very carefully.
4. Remember that Dh is neither a mom or a stepmom. He has no idea what you are feeling or why. He has no point of reference, he has no experience being either one. All he knows is being a husband and a father. He really needs you to explain what makes you feel loved, hurt, etc. You may need to repeat yourself a lot before he starts to internalize it.
5. Don’t expect an immediate bond between you and the skids. It will take time and it needs to happen naturally. If you try to force it, the skids will feel it and resent it. Also, don’t let dh make you feel pressured to bond with them quickly. Explain why you want to take it slowly.
6. Allow time and affection for dh and skids. Feeling of jealousy are very, very normal. If you won’t allow them to have time alone together or won’t allow them to show any affection to each other, they will all end up resenting you. Kids really need both from their dad. When you are feeling jealous, it is best to remind yourself what an irrational feeling it is, and then feed your mind some truths to replace the jealous thoughts.
7. Know that your husband loves you. Regardless of how you may be feeling or how he may be acting, he does love you and that is why he chose to marry you. You may need to remind yourself of this in many times when you are feeling just the opposite.
8. Focus on the positive. It is way too easy to focus on all of the negative things going on around you. If you focus on what is positive, you will not only be happier but you will see that there are actually quite a lot of things to be happy about! So grab onto whatever little positives you can find and hold onto those. Don't let the situation or these people turn you into a bitter person.
9. Ignore the biomom. You don’t want to be rude to the mother of your skids (or maybe you do!) but you don’t need to be the one dealing with her. If you find yourself in a situation where you are forced to spend time with her, be cordial. Don’t give her any reason to badmouth you or have ill feelings toward you! Let you dh deal with her: repeat this to yourself next time that she is manipulating your dh, “Not my ex, not my problem!” Leave the room if you can.
10. Be honest with dh about your feelings. DON’T bottle up your feelings! That will only lead to serious resentment, and it will come out in other ways. Talk to him in private about your feelings, tell him straight up how you are feeling. Don’t worry if your feelings will make him mad. He needs to know what you are feeling, even if he doesn’t agree right away. You need to get those feelings out! Don’t use manipulation when sharing your feelings.
11. Get support. Find at least one person or source that you can go to when you are frustrated beyond reason. Find a friend, e-mail pal, web forum or message board, read books, find a counselor, pray.
12. Ask yourself: what if this was a nuclear family? How would things be different? Are you just irritated because they aren’t your kids? What would you do differently? Go make those changes! To get a better idea of how things might run differently in a nuclear family, read this.
13. Expect your marriage to become first priority. Don’t expect it to happen right away, but do expect it to happen! Be patient, because it will take dh a little time to adjust his priorities. The marriage will never work in the long run if the marriage doesn’t come first! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
