You might not think that the person that you are seeing could possibly be a verbal abuser. They don't come with a warning label or have any kind of disfiguring marks that makes it obvious to others. Often you don't find out until you are in a committed relationship with them, when the relationship is at a level where they feel safe that you are not going to leave. For instance when you are married or living together and it almost always happens when you are alone -- although it is not uncommon for them to be verbally abusive in front of children.

Nobody could ever guess all the signs of a possible verbal abuser. But someone who has been there, done that can give others ideas of what to look for. My hope is to help anyone see what they are getting into before they get into something that they don't want to get into.

Remember, these are just some signs that you may be dating a verbal abuser, there are as many signs and symptoms of verbal abuse as there are abusers. Another thing to note is that it is not only men who are verbally abusive, there are a great many women verbal abusers as well. Being verbally abused can often be what causes a person to start being verbally abusive in self-defense.

One sign that doesn't seem so obvious is if the person has a problem with chronic lateness. It's not just a flawed personality trait, chronic lateness is a serious lack of respect. If someone is late once or twice but it is not their habit, that is one thing, but it is something entirely different if someone is habitually late. They always have a good reason (excuse) as to why they are late, it was traffic or the alarm didn't go off or whatever. The problem is that the person does not respect other people's time. They have no concern for anyone else. If they tell you that they will pick you up for your date at 6:30 and you are ready right on time and they show up at 7 or 7:15 (or even later!) do you think that they really care that you were sitting there waiting for them all that time? Sure they might apologize and give you flowers, but the fact is that if they respected you and your time they would make an effort to be on time, and would succeed most of the time.

Watch how your significant other interacts with other people. Is he respectful of them? Does he get irritated easily? Does he lose his temper, complain a lot? Does he work with people or expect everyone else to fall into his line of thinking? When he talks about his interactions with others, does he always find fault and blame on others? Do you ever hear him taking responsibility for his mistakes? Does he even admit that he makes mistakes? I'm not talking generalized statements such as, "I know I'm not perfect" or "I do make mistakes" but actually owning specific circumstances that he made a mistake? Watch especially how he talks about his parents, siblings, and ex's. Believe it or not, someday that's how he will be talking about you. All of the answers to these questions posed point to how you will be treated in the future.

Another important thing to take into consideration is your gut feeling. Was there something that he said that did not sit right with you? Did he react to something in a way that really made you feel uncomfortable because you thought that it was way over the top? Don't ignore your gut feelings, ask questions and find out why they did what is bothering you, even if it seems so petty. If it bothers you, that is your gut trying to tell you that something is not right.

A good way to test the waters and see how they respond is to set up boundaries. If he is chronically late, tell him that you feel like he doesn't respect you or your time because you sit there twiddling your thumbs for 45 minutes because you were ready when he said he was going to pick you up. If he apologizes and changes his ways, then you know that he cares. If he gets angry at you for stating your feelings, he is probably a controlling and verbally abusive individual. If he says something to you that strikes you as being rude or a put-down, tell him that you don't like it and see how he responds. Verbally abusive people do NOT like others setting boundaries and it should be clear by how they respond. They may respond well the first couple of times because they want to look good...they are very good at NOT looking verbally abusive to outsiders. But if you continue to set boundaries and expect to be treated with respect it will become clear what kind of a person you are dealing with.

No matter what signs they may or may not be exhibiting, all verbal abusers have some things in common. If you dig around a little it shouldn't be very difficult to find out if your significant other has these qualities. Verbal abusers are extremely self-focused and typically think that the world revolves around them and the things that are important to them (jobs, children, etc.) They are easily irritated, they will often complain a lot, they may give a lot of self-pitying stories, their problems are never their fault...someone else is always to blame, they have an unrealistic idea of what reality should be like and expect others and circumstances to submit to their ideas of reality. They are experts in looking like a "nice guy" or a "sweet lady" and often their partners are told by outsiders how lucky they are to find such a nice guy or sweet lady. They will often describe their personalities as the opposite of what they really are, a tense and angry verbal abuser may describe himself as laid back and easy going -- it's just that the world won't go his way so he gets angry and verbally abusive when others aren't watching.

If you have cause for concern, do as much research as possible. Visit message boards and share your experiences. Others will be able to give their thoughts on the relationship. A great resource is a book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, you will not regret buying this this book. Whatever you do, be proactive and don't hide yourself from the truth, it will only hurt you later.